Vulnerable? Not this chick!
If you’ve followed my posts you know that I am seriously screwed up in the head, but that I’m working on getting it all straightened out. Last week I had to go see a psychiatrist at the request of my pain management doctor. He wanted me to see this guy because he specializes in dealing drugs out to people who live w/ chronic pain. I didn’t realize that he was the Chief of Psychiatry when I went so when I got there and found out I wasn’t sure what to think about it, I mean.. am I so crazy that I need the CHIEF of the entire department at Walter Reed? Or, is it just this guy see’s everyone who is referred there. Either way I was there and had to tell my life story in the abbreviated version to explain why I had chronic pain and needed his help. Let me start by saying I was already very annoyed when he called me back into his office a full 50 mins after my appointment time. Lets just say that waiting is number 1 on my list of pet peeves. It always has been and the older I get the more I realize, it’s always going to be! Within the first 3 minutes of the visit he flat out said “You are very stressed out, I can see it in your eye’s”. Well yeah, I drove through the winter hell for 2 and half hours to get here to sit and wait almost an hour to see you. Ya think! D’uh.
Anyways, after an hour in there he started asking me to do these breathing techniques with him. Oh, I forgot to tell you that he found me so interesting that he a) asked if I could be a teaching case and then b) called in two of his students to hear my story. So back to the breathing, okay so he had me look up at the ceiling, then slowly close my eye’s (which was very hard to do) then he had me breathe deep, hold my breath while he counted down from 5, then again from 10 then again from 5. He asked how that made me feel, I told him it made my head hurt. He asked if I was prone to migraines, well of course I am. So then he had me do it again, this time without looking up at the ceiling. While I had my eye’s closed he was steady talking.. “take a deep breath, make yourself feel vulnerable”.. SHRIEKKKKK…that just made me cringe.. he kept telling me.. “open yourself up, let yourself feel vulnerable”… After he counted down from the 5 then 10 then 5 again he had me open my eye’s and asked me “how did that make you feel”… I am an honest person so I said “Anxious”. His reply was “Why does THAT make you feel anxious? Is it because there are three grown men in here staring at you while your eye’s are closed?”. So I told him point blank “No, that’s not it.. its just, Why on earth would anyone want to feel vulnerable?” He found this very interesting.
So it got me to thinking, something I do all the time to the point it drives me insane sometimes. Why is feeling vulnerable such a bad thing? There’s nothing wrong with it, it doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make you anything but human, right? Well to me, it makes you weak. Kinda like crying, it makes you weak. After going through everything I’ve gone through, it only makes since that I would find these things completely terrifying. I guess it’s something more I need to work on. Maybe one day, I’ll have it all figured out. Until then, it gives me things to write about.