Have you ever thought about your own funeral?

The last few months have been just emotionally and physically exhausting.  It’s brought out deep dark seeded thoughts that I had thought were gone forever, but apparently they aren’t.  I had to run to the store today to buy crickets and worms for Draco when a song came on the radio and my mind went down that dark road… I started thinking of my funeral.  How it’s going to happen, where, who will come, who will even care.  I mean I know my husband will, and my kids will be devastated, and a few family members and friends.. but I doubt I’ll fill an entire funeral home, like my mother and father did. It’s not that I’m not as nice as they were, maybe I’m just not as well known. Maybe it’s because I suffer from severe depression and anxiety disorder and people can’t understand it and just discard me like yesterday’s trash because “I’m so negative”.  You’d be amazed at how many times I’m told “JUST GET OVER IT”… yeah if it were only that easy. Anyways, the song was..

Anyways, I got to thinking “Does my husband know everything I want for my funeral”.  I mean I know he knows I want to be cremated and I know he knows a couple of the songs I want so I figured, hey this would be a good blog.  This way when the times come not only does my husband and children know, my family knows.

First off, I don’t want a funeral.  I want those who come to say goodbye to me to be the opposite of how I’ve lived.  I want them to be happy.  To be worry free about me. To know that finally I have found peace and serenity.  I want them to have a party, if I were Irish I’d say have a Wake instead.  Celebrate the things I did manage to accomplish and forget the thing I failed on.

There are a few songs I want played, the first one is the video I posted earlier.  Here is my list for the rest.

1> Don’t you cry tonight .  Guns and Roses

2> November Rain.  Guns and Roses again

3> Don’t fear the reaper . Blue Oyster Cult

4> Dust in the wind.  Kansas

5> Home Sweet Home.. Motley Crue

That’s it… There are a hundred more I could list but I don’t think people will want to be there for hours so.. just those.  If anyone wants to request a song that reminds them of me, let em.  I mean they are there to celebrate my life so whatever makes them happy, let them have it.

There are a few people I do not want there.  I have thought about it and have decided that if they can’t be in my life while I am alive, they can’t celebrate my life after.  First off, I do not want my mothers other daughter there.  Now mom had 3 girls, and Michelle had better be there!!! As for that other one, no.  Absolutely not.  And my husband has direct orders to remove her should she show up, which I doubt she would anyways.  ANYONE who has unfriended me on facebook.  Fuck them.  If they couldn’t handle my “posts” they don’t get to celebrate my life.

I want to be cremated.  Don’t you dare put me in a box in the ground.  I will come back and haunt the shit out of anyone who puts me in the ground.  I really like the idea of having my ashes mixed in with soil and a tree planted.  I’d like to be a Weeping Willow if possible.

http://bigthink.com/design-for-good/this-awesome-urn-will-turn-you-into-a-tree-after-you-die

Let my kids and husband decide where to plant my tree.  My husband and kids get my possessions.  They get to decide what they want to do with them, as I don’t have much.  My son knows he gets my cross and necklace, Shelby gets my rings and earrings.  My clothes I want donated to a foundation that helps women who have manged to escape an abusive marriage/man and have to start all over again with nothing.

I don’t want anyone to give a Eulogy.. naw.. that’s a lot to put on one person.  I want everyone who wants to to tell a story about something we did.  Some craziness from our pasts together.  I want to look down and see everyone laughing at the stupid shit I managed to get away with.

So there ya have it. That’s what I want and now it’s forever written into universe.  Oh, and if my husband puts any pictures of me up, he’d better use the flattering one’s.

You only miss them when they’re gone…

A few years back I started having these pains in my left shoulder.  They just continued to get worse and worse and after almost 2 years I was finally diagnosed with frozen shoulder.  It’s a horrible thing to live through and I don’t wish it on anyone.  Since the start of this journey I have lost more then 50% of the mobility of my arm.  Here is a link to see what it is http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/frozen-shoulder/basics/definition/con-20022510.  Now this link will tell you that it usually only lasts 1-3 years, but that’s not true in my case.  Of course since I’ve been diagnosed it’s also been figured out that I have a bulging disc in my neck and I have Ulnar nerve damage.

Anyways this posts really isn’t about the actual “Frozen Shoulder”, but more a list of things I miss the most about not having 2 fully functioning arms.  Everyone loves lists, right?

So in no definitive order… here it is..

5)  Being able to do my hair!  Do you know how hard it is to curl or straighten your hair when you can’t get one of you’re hands up to the top of your head!  I seriously have to tilt my head over to the side to try to reach my hair!  It’s quite the site actually.

4) Being able to pick anything up with it.  Seriously, there have been times I can’t even pick up simple things, like a stapler!  I have lost pretty much all muscle in this arm.  I feel like an old lady.

yeah, this is how my arm feels with any weight in my hand.

3) Being able to scratch my back!  Yeah, it’s not happening.  Now I have the claw…

2) Kinky sex.  Yeah I went there.  You can’t get freaky if you can’t not only use your arm but it’s severe pain if you move it in the wrong direction.  No 50 shades of grey for me.. 😦

1)  Putting my bra on the right way.  Just slide it on, reach behind and hook it.  And to take it off you just reach back and unhook and slide it off.. but I can’t do that!  No… alas.. I have to do the hook and twist.  It’s a pain in the ass.

Oh how I wish I could still this!

 

Before anyone suggests it.. I do have front clasps bra’s.. but they are all T Backs.. sometimes you need a bra that doesn’t have a sporty T Back.. ya know what I mean?  LOL

Hippie Tree

Feel a little better today… so I spent the afternoon painting…I need to start writing again.. maybe I’ll get motivated to do that soon.

My latest paintings

So I painted a couple more things… and guess what.. I SOLD ONE!!!  Well.. I’m actually going to repaint it in her chosen color scheme.. but still.. I sold one.. woot woot.. go me..

 

The butterfly one isn’t complete yet..  I got a little more to do on it.

My goal for Old Age!

• 

28 Days Til Spring

 

I ask myself this question every winter!!! Every winter I say I’m moving back south…. so I’ll say it again.. I’m moving back down south.

 

Here works for me!

My Crush of the Month for October 2014

What better way to celebrate the month of Halloween and spoke than with my crush of the month being someone who plays the part of character that is synonymous is with Halloween.  This particular story is one that as children we couldn’t wait for October to roll around so we could see this cartoon in school, and sometime on TV.  This months crush is the actor who plays Ichabod Crane

okay.. not him.. but him.. Tom Mison

Don’t recognize him?  How bout this one…

Yeah.. now you know who he is!  Tom Mison plays Ichabod Crane on the hit show “Sleepy Hollow”.  He is the whole package, tall, fit, handsome.. and his character is a true gentleman.  If you don’t watch the show, you really should!  So for this month…

24 Things only Anxious People Will Understand.. to true.

I came across this article from BuzzFeed today and had to giggle.  You see I suffer from anxiety disorder and I completely agreed with every single thing they said.  Here is the link to the article for you to check out.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jennaguillaume/things-only-anxious-people-will-understand?bffb&utm_term=4ldqpgp#18wtwae

I decided to go down the list and let you know how I agree from my perspective… give you some glimpse of the craziness that goes on in my brain!

1. You have a constant feeling of unease..

.  YES and those days where you have this feeling that something horrific is going to happen you walk around thinking the phone is going to go off at any moment and it’s going to be the absolute worse thing ever!  Or, God forbid something good happens because then you walk around waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop on your head!

2. Your anxiety causes actual physical discomfort and pain.

This is the absolute truth.  I constantly have headaches, my shoulders hurt, my neck hurts.  There are days I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.

3. Which at its worst turns into a full-blown panic attack.

Luckily as I’ve gotten older the panic attacks have become fewer and fewer.  I remember the worse one I ever had was after my son was born.  He was lets say a handful to handle when he was younger (severe ADHD, ODD, Aspergers, OCD traits, it wasn’t easy) and we were at the grocery store one day.  The stimulation was too much for him and he lost it, screaming and crying, throwing things out of the cart onto the floor.  The entire store watching my every move, judging me as the worst parent ever, not knowing if I should ignore the behavior, spank him or what.  I couldn’t get out of the store fast enough and ended up dropping to the floor and crying and feeling like I was having a heart attack.  Luckily there was this older woman who must have known what I was dealing with because she ran up to me (butting through the people screaming I was having a heart attack call 911 which just made it worse) and told everyone to get back and give me air.  She gave my son a piece of candy and talked calmly and quietly to me telling me to just breath through it. After I regained my composure she walked me to my car and told me “Just remember honey.. that baby is a precious gift.  He may try you at times but his love for you will be deep as yours for him”… she hugged me and I went on my way.  I rarely took my son to the store w/ me again.

4. Your mind is constantly racing.

Imagine my brain is like a NASCAR race going 200 mph around the track, then for shits and giggles, through in oh 10 or 15 other cars heading in the opposite direction weaving in and out of the racers.. yeah.. that’s my brain.  24/7.  It never stops.

5. And you’re always second-guessing yourself.

Oh lord.. this can range from life changing decisions to “I turned off the stove, didn’t I?”.

6. Seriously you question EVERYTHING.

Not only do I question everything.. I’ve taught my kids to question everything and I usually turn those questions into “What if” questions.  Which drives my husband utterly insane.

7. You have zero ability to switch off.

Even on sleeping pills I find I wake up in the middle of night thinking about things that I did, have to do, didn’t do, need to do ect.  Watching TV or listening to the radio I have those pesky thoughts in the back of my head going “You really need to go do this”.. Hell, sitting here writing this I’m thinking of 5 other things!

8. Feel like watching a funny movie? NOPE.

Now I guess I’m a little different here because I truly enjoy a good funny movie.  It takes my mind off the self loathing thing for a little while.

9. Want to catch up on some sleep? NOPE.

Not without medication, and as I stated early even that doesn’t keep me snoozing!I take a sleeping pill with a muscle relaxer and sometimes pain pill and I’ll still wake up seven times a night!

10. Having an interesting conversation with a friend? NOPE.

I have no problem w/ this one either.  I love having conversations with my friends. Of course they have to be able to keep up with me.

11. You get anxiety about anxiety.

Oh yes!  If everything is going smoothly I will start to worry something is fixing to happen.  It’s that whole other shoe dropping thing.  My husband tells me all the time I find things to worry about, and I do.

12. You are never really ~in the moment~.

What is this living in the moment thing?  I have no clue what that is!  None..

13. Trying to make a decision is excruciatingly painful.

Naw.. I’m good with making decisions.  I’m a Virgo and crave control so it’s nice and easy for me to tell people what we are doing!

14. And even when you make a decision you immediately worry if it was the right one.

Now this one is true.  Oh crap, what if I chose the wrong place to eat and we all get food poisoning.  If we buy this here I’m sure we’ll find it cheaper somewhere else!  Now I won’t be able to pay my rent since I bought this $39.00 pair of shoe’s!

15. It takes forever for you to do anything because you’re frequently lost inside your own head.

Nope.. I get shit done!  I stress on it until I have it done.

16. You’re exhausted. All. The. Time.

God yes!  My favorite saying.. “I’m much to young to feel this damn old”… some days I feel like I could sleep for a month.  Of course I can’t but it would be nice.

17. You find yourself in the bizarre situation of not being able to trust your own brain.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve ended up somewhere thinking.. how the hell did I get into this mess.

18. Then you’re faced with the difficult prospect of trying to combat your anxiety with the very thing that is causing it.

I’m in therapy for this!

19. Well-meaning people try to help, but sometimes make it worse.

YES.  My husband especially.  He’ll say things like “Just don’t worry” or “it’ll work out, I don’t know how it just will”.. you can’t tell someone like me these 2 things.. you just can’t.

20. People who DON’T mean well make it a lot worse.

Both of my ex’s.  “Only an idiot wouldn’t be able to get this done”.. or “You are the worst ever”.. heard all of it.

21. You really worry about being a burden on the people you love.

This one is really difficult because I have days where I find myself literally trying to push my loved ones away from me.  I’ve had more days where my brain has told me that if I just killed myself everyone I loved would be so much better off.    Just recently on one of my bad days I held the tip of a knife to my wrist and wondered would it hurt?  would it be quick?  Would they miss me if I was gone?  It’s truly a horrible thing to feel.

22. You want nothing more than to just stop worrying but you literally can’t.

My new years resolution this year was to just be happy.  I’m still working on that.

23. You know there are things that could help your anxiety, but you feel anxious about trying them.

I can sum this up for you.  All medications for this are WEIGHT GAINING MEDICATIONS.. I won’t take them!

24. Finally, there’s the relief of being able to talk to someone about your worries and knowing they totally understand.

I have my therapist, but honestly sometimes I feel like even she’s getting tired of me.

If you need to talk to someone, you can call Beyond Blue Australia on 1300 22 4636, Anxiety UK on 08444 775 774 or Hopeline America on 1800 784 2433.

My Crush of the Month for September 2014

For September I thought I’d surprise my husband and make my crush of the month someone that he just seems to adore.. You see he has been watching “How I met your mother” for a couple of months now and he is constantly walking around quoting this actor.  It’s cute really.  He loved him the Harold and Kumar movies and he loves him in this show.  Yes, it’s none other than NPH himself Neil Patrick Harris.

If you were a kid of the 80’s then you tuned in every week to see what Doogie Howser would do.  You couldn’t wait to see what he would type into his computer journal.  You couldn’t imagine what it was like to be a doctor at 14 years old.  It was just baffling to think about.

My husband refuses to believe that he is in fact a gay man.  He thinks that NPH is just like the characters he plays in that he is always banging women.  I keep telling him that I’m sure his boyfriend wouldn’t like that, but he just can’t believe it.  LOL

So there he is.. My crush of the month.  He is a cutie, isn’t he?  And I’m so glad that he didn’t grow up to be one of those child actors who just completely lose it as an adult.  Keep doing what your doing NPH!

My Crush of the Month for June 2014

I’m so excited for this months crush.. .why you ask?  Because it’s a NEW crush.  It’s not someone who has been around for years and years… and it’s not someone that makes me feel like cougar for crushing on him.  I discovered his hotness when my husband got me interested in the TV Series Grimm, which is amazing in case you haven’t started watching it.. you should! This man speaks different languages in real life and on the show.. his body is AMAZING… he’s tall.. oh I could keep going on but I’ll stop now.. I’m at work!!

 

So here ya go.. enjoy

Sasha Rioz is a rising star… According to IMDb he’s been acting since 2001.. and I really hope he has a very long and successful career.  And of course.. is in ANYTHING that takes his shirt off and has him speak Russian/French whatever!