We all just want to be seen

I need to take a moment and vent a little.  You see, I am a mother of a special needs child.  Luckily my son’s disabilities aren’t “severe” and he is able to function (for the most part) in society, but it hasn’t always been that easy for him.  He’s grown up and his nerve endings have grown and reconnected in his brain just like the doctors said they would, in other words his brain rewired itself.  He was a target all through his school career and all he ever wanted really was for people to just leave him alone because he knew they’d never see him for who he really was.

If you now me you know that I LOVE the Wawa.  I love their Sugar Free Caramel Iced Latte and I treat myself to one whenever I can.  At the particular Wawa that we go to I have figured out that on Tuesdays and Thursdays there is a group home for mentally challenged persons to have an “outing” and they come to the Wawa.  For the most part every time I’ve ever seen them they’ve all be just all smiles and so happy to be on an outing.  They always say hi to everyone with the biggest smiles on their faces and when someone says hi back to them you can literally see them light up from inside their very soul.  Only once have I seen one having a “bad” day and was struggling to hold it together but that is to be expected.  If you have someone like that in your life (my son has Autism) then you know some days just don’t quite work for them.  That is the only time I’ve witnessed any of these beautiful souls not smiling.

Today my husband and I stopped in to get a coffee and as I walked by this young man he smiled so big and said “HI” to me all excitedly.   I of course smiled big right back at him and said ‘Hi to you”.  He just grinned.  It made  him happy to be seen.  About 20 seconds later a man was walking past him and side stepped to make sure he didn’t touch the sweet man as if maybe what he had was “contagious”.  The kind soul smiled and said “HI” to this asshole of a man who shrugged by him and purposely turning his head away so he wouldn’t make eye contact with him.  You could see this angels smile dull a little, but it didn’t stop him.  He turned and smiled at me then told another lady “HI” who said it back to him.  It took all I had to not chase that asshat down and throat punch him!  What would it have hurt for him to take 1 second of his pathetic life and tell this innocent loving soul “Hi”?  It wouldn’t have hurt him at all and it would have made someone else’s day.  Why do people in this day and age still treat these lovely souls like they are contagious and if they even look at them they will be cursed with the same disorders or extra chromosomes or diseases they have?  These people just want to be seen, accepted for who they are.. they just want to hear “hi” back.

Take a moment the next time you see someone like this and just admire their smile, their hope and love they have that shines brightly from them.  Take a moment and learn what true humanity is.  Don’t be a dick like the asshat today, say “hi” back if they say it to you.

Passive suicidal ideation

 

The other night I was watching a paranormal show (yes I watch them) and the lady on was discussing different things and she said “Passive Suicide” is when someone has thoughts of dying but would never do anything to hurt themselves.  I can’t explain the feelings that slammed into me when I heard this but it was like every light bulb came on at once and I wanted to scream out YES… THAT’S IT!  You see, if you follow my blog you know already that I suffer from Bipolar and all that entails.  I’m walking basket case that has learned how to somewhat keep it all together while in public but pretty much lose it when at home and especially when I’m alone.  Those hours between night and day or the worst.  I have anxiety disorder, anger displacement disorder, PTSD and Bipolar, I’m a blast at parties!  For the most part I deal with all of it with sarcasm and humor.  Even my therapist has told me more then once how hysterical I am and how she knows that the funnier I am being the worse off I am in my head.

Anyways, back to my original thought.  Sorry I shoulda added ADD in there to.  So apparently Passive Suicidal Ideation is when the thoughts of death go through the mind.  Like thinking “I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up”.  You’re in essence wishing to die but know you could never do something drastic like pulling the trigger or swallowing that bottle of pills.  I have these thoughts often, more often then I’ll ever admit to anyone.  Sometimes when I’m driving over a bridge or high over pass I’ll have a day dream of going over the side and smiling as I knew the pain would soon be over, but I never act on it.  I know too many would be so upset if I did so I put my mask of false bravado on and go through the motions of getting through the days.

Some days are better then others.  Not every day is bad, and not every day is a time of wishing for death.  Some days are all about living and watching those around you happy and healthy and enjoying life but being Bipolar means you never know when that mood will swing the other way.   When I’m manic I am on top of the world and everything is great. I’m full of energy and ready to take on the world, I’m 10 feet tall and bullet proof.  The problem is I also cannot sleep for days which means when the crash finally comes it’s one of epic proportion.  When I fall from the hilltop down into the valley there is literally nothing that can bring me out of it.  I have to ride the wave until that wave reaches the hilltop again.  During this time I find myself shrouded in the thoughts of death.  I stare at my endless supply of pills the doctors keep throwing at me for the many different ailments I have that they can’t figure out and fix so they just throw a band-aide on it in hopes that it’ll shut me up.  I have those day dreams of my car veering off the road and hitting a tree, or just going to sleep and having some kind of a massive heart attack and never waking up.  Anything to stop the hurting and the pain.  I thought I was the only one who had these thoughts, well not the only one I realize others with mental illness have these thoughts to but when I heard the name of it I was happy to know that it’s common enough that they named it.  I mean, I’m not happy that enough people suffer from it that they named it but happy that I’m not even crazier then I already think that I am.  Does that make sense?

Right now is a valley.  Last week was an escape from reality.  I was in NYC and there was no “normality” around me.  I got to be someone else for a few days which was fantastic, but now that I’m home and my family has gone home and life is back to normal reality has set in and it fucking sucks!  I’m stuck.  Literally stuck.  I can’t go anywhere or do anything because of financial reasons, I can’t get a job because of medical reasons, I can’t work on my book because of crappy equipment reasons, I can’t paint because I can’t afford the material to do so… you see… I’m stuck.  I get to watch TV.  I had planned on getting out and start walking and enjoying the sunshine and trying to help my hip but I had to have a Biopsy last Monday and they said “don’t get sweaty until this is healed up” so there goes that… stuck.  and I hate it.  So the thoughts are back.  The logical side of my brain realizes this is the mental illness talking but the illogical side of my brain is telling that logical side to shut the hell up and the anger and hatred and self loathing is taking over.  I hate being stuck, which makes me hate this life I live.. if that’s what you call what I do is living… I hate it all…and I want the pain to stop.. I want to disappear… just poof.. be gone.

I’m not writing this for your pity, I don’t want that.  I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want a “You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, you have it so much better then some” lectures.  I’m writing this to let people know and understand that mental illness isn’t always that person who goes on a shooting spree, or a serial killer, or even that really strange kid in high school that ended up committing suicide.  Mental Illness is me.. it’s the estimated 57.7 million people in the USA who manage to make it through every day without hurting anyone except themselves.  You may not know this or realize it but someone in your life, someone you are close to suffers from some form of mental illness.  You’ll never know until they either lose their handle on life or they ask for help before that happens because we are excellent at hiding it when we need to.

Even though there is still a debate on whether or not Passive suicidal thoughts are as dangerous as “real” suicidal thoughts I will tell you from personal experience that they are.  I know this because I have held the gun to my head and pulled the trigger (playing Russian Roulette) and I’ve taken the bottle of pills and had to have my stomach pumped.  If the thoughts are there, the thoughts on how to carry it out are there to.

“An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older or about one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. When applied to the 2004 U.S. Census residential population estimate for ages 18 and older, this figure translates to 57.7 million people.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New York.. Oh how I loved thee!

Last week my best friend in the world treated me to 4 day of fun and an escape from reality.  She took me to New York City, the Big Apple.. the city that never sleeps.  Some place I have always dreamed of going, but believing I would never get to.  Last Monday we loaded the truck and headed off to have our adventure.  Our first stop along the way was in Philadelphia!  As her and I are true foodies, we had to decide for ourselves which had the better cheese steak sandwich, Pats or Geno’s.

Geno’s won hand’s down!   The bread was buttery and soft, the cheese gooey, the meat was tender.  Oh we enjoyed every single bite of them.  I even have a “grease” stain on my pants from where it drained through the paper towels!   Now that’s how you know it’s good!

After she navigated through those extremely tiny car filled claustrophobic one way streets we were back on the highway heading north… singing “In west Philadelphia born and raised.. on the playground is where I spent most of my days”…  C’mon now, y’all sing it with me.  You know the words.

After several hours we made it to our hotel in New Jersey and I have to say… omg what a dump.  We couldn’t help but laugh!  The beds were hard as the ground, the carpet was obviously the same carpet they put in when they built the hotel and it has NEVER been cleaned.  The outlet in the bathroom didn’t work which meant no hair dryer because that was bolted to the wall in the bathroom.  The toilet had those stains down the sides that you could tell were not hard water stains.  Yeah, it was bad, but that’s okay because we didn’t plan on being in the room much.  We got there later in the afternoon so we figured we’d save Manhattan for Tuesday and instead decided to head to Carlo’s Bakery in Hoboken New Jersey.  12923187_10153333752425870_2609251800372207978_n

If you ever get the chance to go to one of his shops… go!  The Lobster Claw is to die for!  We got Lobster Claws, Cookies, an Eclair (there were 3 of us), a Macaroon… And we gobbled every bit up!  Yeah, we are greedy.  We spent the evening in the room, enjoying our goodies and chatting.. the excitement growing for NYC the next day.  I was finally going to see the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island and who knew what else.

Tuesday morning found us up and on the way to Liberty State Park where we caught the Ferry to Ellis Island then over to the Statue of Liberty.

12936744_10153333753650870_4679762462411527333_n

Words cannot do justice the emotions that come over you seeing lady liberty in all her glory in person.

Yup, that’s me with the New York Skyline behind me ( I have no clue who the rugrat is, he photo bombed my pic).  There was the Statue of Liberty.  I’d seen her a million times in movies and photos but never in person.  She is stunning!  Walking through the inside, seeing the different things inside, how she stands.. just amazing.  We didn’t have the crown pass so we only got to go to the platform.  After touring around we hopped on to the New York Ferry and headed over to NYC.  It was so cold, and so windy but that wasn’t going to stop us.  After a few minutes we were in New York.  I couldn’t believe it.  Me, standing in New York’s Financial District.  After a few moments of walking we saw the Raging Bull.  I wanted to get my picture with it but there was a very long line and frankly, it was cold and we didn’t want to wait.  We made our way up to the 9/11 Memorial.  You can feel the pain, the fear.  The tears fall no matter how hard you try to hold them in.  You find yourself hurting for thousands you never even knew.  Knowing so many are reposed behind a wall because they could not be identified is truly heartbreaking.

After seeing the memorial then the Museum we realized we needed to head towards the ferry to make our way back to the car, problem was it was now 7:30 and the water taxi’s stopped at 5:15.  Oh the fun we had trying to figure out the subway system to get us to the metro to take us to the Path Train so we could get on the light rail.  Then when we FINALLY make it to the train platform in Jersey… but our car is about 2 miles away!  AND WE ARE OFF.. 3 women in the dark trying to find our way to the park to get to the car before the park closes.  LOL.  My best friend has an oxygen tank but that did not stop her from almost out right running to make it on time!  Somehow she managed to get to the car in time and we headed back to the hotel.  By this time all we had to eat was Subway.. yes, we make it all the way to NY and we eat Subway.

The next morning we all get up and head back into the city!  This time parking at the train platform so we had until 11:59 pm to make our way back.  Plenty of time!  We decide to go uptown this day, check out the Museum section of the city.  Our first stop was the Guggenheim.  If that is your idea of “art” then I can honestly say I don’t understand you at all.  This museum was less then interesting to say.

12670488_10153333767630870_7212177879992066772_n

After our pretty much run through of this waste of our time museum we decided to head up to the Met.  Now this is a Museum.  It’s absolutely stunning!  I wanted to spend days in it.  I could spend days in it.  I want to go back and see every single piece of art in there.  I stood in awe of some of the most amazing art pieces in the world.  Before we made it to the Met we stopped by Central Park to take a quick picture.  You can’t go to NYC and not at least see Central Park, right?  We didn’t go through it because there just wasn’t enough time to do it all.  Before we crossed over to the park my bestie made me try a New York Hot Dog…..

 

Now to understand this you must understand that I a) do not like Hot Dogs and b) am disgusted at the thought of hotdogs sitting around in nasty water all day long.. but when in Rome.. so here we are.. me holding it getting ready to try it.. and me trying very hard to not gag and throw it up… lol.  She made me eat that bite!  So gross.. she however enjoyed the rest of it.

12963396_10153333767915870_786553458625323806_n She loved it!  🙂

 

Off to Central Park…

12936609_10153333768860870_2833405484269963825_n

Now the Met!  There’s no slowing down in NYC.. even for someone using a cane and someone with an oxygen tank.  Okay, so we walked slowly… but that doesn’t slow the city down.  This is so beautiful…

12974359_10153333770660870_5673150847170548539_n

After the met we hopped on a bus and headed up to the Empire State Building.  WOW.. what a beautiful building.  When we got to the top one side was nice.. the other two were so cold!  The wind was blowing so hard you could almost be blown over.

12718037_10153333786305870_5035280035965064328_n

After this we hopped on a subway and headed to Time Square.  This was everything I’ve ever imagined.  The lights, the smells, the sounds.. the PIZZA.. the people.. It’s everything TV has made it out to be. Famous Ray’s Pizza.. yeah.. I’m going back there one day!

Believe it or not… we ended up doing a mad dash to find the right train to make it back in time again..lol.  Making it back at 11:56 pm!  Three minutes to spare!  We laughed so much our stomachs hurt!  I had a true NY experience.  The only thing I didn’t see, was a NY rat.. you always see them on TV.  We didn’t see one!  We got in a pee soaked elevator, twice.  We had Pizza and  Hot Dog, saw the sights… but nope.. no rats.

Thursday had us exhausted and hardly able to walk!  Our feet hurt, our backs hurt.. everything hurt! Sleeping on those hard mattresses didn’t help at all.  We decided to just take our time going home instead of going back into the city then trying to find our way back home.  Of course we had to stop back by Carlo’s Bakery, ya know get some goodies for the road and some cupcakes for the kids.  We laughed and enjoyed our slow ride home..

10403636_10153333819890870_1554757270524780392_n

TWINS!!!  She is my sister.. my best friend.. my soul mate (in friends).. I thank God for her every day… She’ll never know just how thankful I am for her.. for her friendship and her love… she’s my anchor when my waters are rough.. my sunshine when it rains…and my blanket when I’m cold.  I love her and.. I LOVE NEW YORK!!!  I can’t wait to get back!

12990954_10153334668825870_7419450904550098543_n

 

 

 

 

Poltergeist Remake Review

7909

So over a year ago my husband and I were at the theater when we saw a preview for the new Poltergeist movie coming out.  Oh I was so excited.  I kept thinking “Oh.. they better make an awesome clown scene.  With today’s special effects they could do Amazing things.    So we waited patiently for it to come out.  Finally… it was here.. We joyfully handed over our bazillion dollars for two tickets and some popcorn and drinks (soda for him, water for me) and settled in to watch it.  I was completely pissed off and disappointed when it was over.  They completely ruined their chance at greatness with this remake!  The clown scene was stupid, there was this tiny closet in the boy’s room filled with clowns but they never explained why.. yeah I was mad.

So today I’ve decided since it’s on demand for free I will watch it again to see if I’ve missed something.  I’m going to review it as it goes along.

Right out of the starting gate… the realtor is telling them the tree has been there longer then anything else in the neighborhood… it’s a weeping willow… UH NO.. the original tree was an oak.. A mighty oak with solid branches, at least that’s what kind it looks like to me.  I’ve been unable to find the exact kind online.  They only threw this line in there to make the “tree scene” understandable later on in the movie.  Also, it’s the middle child who has the “abilities”.. but the main point in the original is Carol Ann was born in the house and had the physic connection with the house.  If you aren’t going to somewhat follow the concept of the movie, then it shouldn’t be a “remake” but a “sequel”.

The little girl in the movie (kinda has the same eye’s as Carol Ann) does have some abilities, as she talks with unseen people.  They play with her to lure her and her brother in.  So they are using the littlest one to get to the middle child who has the abilities.  If you remember, Robbie (who is the middle child in the original) actual leaves to go stay with his grandma to get away from it because he’s terrified.  Also…. if it’s a remake, why do they all have different names?  I swear this should have been a sequel and not a remake.  The boy “Griffin” is laying in his bed when he hears some music playing.  He goes to investigate when he finds a hidden little cubby and pulls a string and all these clowns fall down.  Why?  Why were all those clowns hidden in there?  What’s the back story to that?  There is none.. they just threw those in there so they could have the clown scene later.  The dad,  “Eric” just tells the son “people collect weird things”… and son after a squirrel tears off out of the closet and around the room.

The whole concept of the original movie was the spirits wanted Carol Ann’s life force.  Carol Ann and her mother were sensitives, which is why they were affected and not the men (or the oldest sister).  This movie makes it seem as though it’s just a mean poltergeist trying to hurt them.. for no other reason then to hurt them.

The dad in this one… well he’s kind of an ass.  He’s not the fine upstanding family man that the original one was.

Now the dinner scene.. they are telling the family that back in the 90’s they had family that lived there and they wouldn’t go see them because of the whole “cemetery” thing.  They go on to explain that the builders moved the cemetery and built the houses.. and the Bowen’s tell them the realtor never mentioned it.  So wait.. is this a remake or a sequel?  If it’s a remake then they shouldn’t know the house was built on a cemetery.. but if it’s a sequel why was it billed as a remake?

Now had this been an original film.. it might have been pretty good… but this was a remake and in my opinion not a very good one. Yes they paid homage to the original in many different ways but there are just too many “put there on purpose” things to make you realize this is a remake.. because with out them you wouldn’t know.

Madison walks into the closet on her own accord to get her stuffed animal… that’s not how it’s supposed to be.  They take her to get her life force, she doesn’t just offer it to them. The parents are very “calm” after they discover her in the TV, especially the father.  Remember I said he’s an ass.. I stand by that.

Now we get into the really stupid part of this remake.  They bring in the TV personality to “clean the house”.  In the original they are filming the process but for research purposes.  In this movie after they go to the college to get the help of the paranormal researchers (the mother went to that college, that’s how she knew to go there) the main researcher brings in her ex husband.. who happens to be a famous “ghosts hunter”.  Instead of the infamous steak and chicken scene followed by the face tearing off scene, this time we get the father vomiting worms and seeing black ooze coming out of his eye’s and nose in the reflection of the faucet.  Man.. they could have done some amazing effects w/ the whole face falling off scene… so disappointed.

I will say the closet scene where the jerk researcher almost had his head drilled into.. that was pretty cool.  He got what he deserved.

In this version, we actually see the girl (well her shadow) in the house.  It’s not just her voice through the TV.  Of course when the dad follows it upstairs, it’s not really her, it’s a scary demon like child that attacks him.

Now, when the “cleaner” comes in, Carrigan goes up to the room and opens the door… where were the flying toys?  Yeah yeah I know that they didn’t have to put every scene in but c’mon.. that was a classic scene.  Carrigan tells the family that he doesn’t think they did move the bodies when they moved the headstones.  That’s not how the family was supposed to find out.. bodies were supposed to pop up out of the ground!

When they start the process to getting Maddy back they give everyone a GPS tracker… umm how is that going to help if you go into purgatory?  I mean my GPS loses signal in the dead zone down the street from here.. how the hell are they going to get a signal there if I can’t get one in the middle of a huge city?  Then they decide to get the drone the father bought for the son, even though they are broke and he’s been out of work (I’ll touch on this more in a few minutes) into the closet.  Now how are they going to control the drone in another dimension?  I’m pretty sure the one’s you can buy at Target aren’t quite as good as the military ones.  I do like the special effects though when they are looking through the drone into purgatory.  That’s pretty cool.  As they are all fighting over who goes into get get Maddison, Griffin decides to go in.  He grabs the rope and in he goes.  The parents just stand there screaming.. oh hell no.. I’d have gone in after him.   Okay, when I saw this in the theater I thought maybe I missed a part.. maybe went to the bathroom or my kid called and I stepped out to answer the phone, but watching it again right now… nope.. I didn’t miss any part.  They messed up!  The scene where Eric tells Amy that everything is going to be alright and to go downstairs and wait at the rope, after she leaves he tells Carrigan this better work.  He tells Carrigan to tell them to let Maddy go since he can talk to them.  It shows Carrigan talking to them, telling them (into the closet) to let the child go, she’s done no harm.  Next they show Griffin in purgatory with Maddy who is telling him they will never let her go, it’s then we see the ghostly figures grabbing the rope and tearing at it.  It goes back to the bedroom where Eric and Carrigan are and the rope is coming out of the wall and Carrigan is laying on the floor beside Eric as if maybe the giant face from the original one jumped out and threw him backwards??? Except in this version, they don’t explain or show how he ended up on the floor behind and to the side of Eric when he was originally in front of Eric at the opening of the closet.  Good to know I didn’t go crazy there thinking I was just missing something.

Okay.. so the family gets out.. they are in the car getting ready to leave when the oldest daughter asks Carrigan to say the line “the house is clean”.. thats when the Maddy says the house isn’t clean… that they didn’t go into the light because she didn’t go into the light. The SUV they are in suddenly gets battered and flung upside down into the house.  The realize Maddy isn’t in the car when they see her on the floor where she’s picked up and flung upstairs.  The special effects fo the bodies coming out of the closet to get her are wickedly awesome.  Carrigan is outside telling the spirits to release their hold on the family.. makes me think of the Omen.  Carrigan admits to Brook (a researcher who happens to be his ex wife) that he’s tired of faking it for the camera’s and goes in to save the family.  Eric manages to get his family out when the window shuts on him.  AS the house is caving in on itself he see Carrigan in the house who tells Eric he has a job to do and evaporates into the closet.  They start to get into Brooks car to leave and that’s when the house explodes and the bodies start coming out of the ground and all hell starts breaking loose in the neighborhood.  As the researchers are looking the camera they see the GPS lighting up.

Now they are looking at a new house and the realtor says “There’s lots of closet space” when Maddy says “Our last closet ate me”.. as the realtor is talking about the house and mentions the tree she turns to see that the family is gone.

Okay, so let me touch on the part of the father like I said I would.  He’s been out of work for months since he was fired from the John Deere factory.  The mother is a stay at home mom (writer who says she isn’t writing) and they have no income coming in. He goes to the store to buy stuff to make squirrel traps where 2 credit cards are over the limit before the third one finally works.  That day he comes home with a new phone for the teen daughter because hers fried (she blamed Griffin but you know it’s the poltergeist even though they never say it) and the drone for the boy and pizza for Madison and a Pandora Jewelry for the mom.  First off, how?  How did he afford to get all of this when he already had 2 credit cards that were maxed out and a third that barely worked for the squirrel traps.  Secondly, Why?  Why would anyone go on a shopping spree if you’re out of money and out of work?  I am currently not working due to medical reasons and my husband’s pay barely pays our bills after the court ordered alimony and child support comes out.  There are many times I’d like to just go buy my kids things, but a) I can’t because we have no credit and b) I wouldn’t even if we did have the credit because I think things like rent and electric and groceries are more important then phones, drones and jewelry!  That part made no sense to me.

The movie ends with Brook and Carrigan are now working together to film their show.

The original movie is supposedly haunted as many people were injured or died shortly after the making of it.  The role of Carol Ann was played by Heather O’Rouke who died at just 12 years old.

“When filming was completed in June, Heather and her family went on a road trip from Chicago, to New Orleans, to Orlando and all the way back to Lakeside where they lived at the time. Heather was well until January 31, 1988, Super Bowl Sunday. She was unable to keep anything in her stomach and crawled into bed with her parents that night, saying that she didn’t feel well. The next morning, February 1, sitting at the breakfast table, she couldn’t swallow her toast or Gatorade. Her mother noticed her fingers were blue and her hands were cold. Kathleen called the doctor’s and was getting ready to put her clothes on when Heather fainted on the kitchen floor. When the paramedics came in, Heather insisted that she was “really okay” and was worried about missing school that day. In the ambulance, Heather suffered cardiac arrest and died on the operating table at 2:43 p.m. at the tender age of 12. Of all her achievements, Heather was proudest of being elected student body president of her 5th grade class in 1985.”

The role of Dana Freeling was played by Dominique Dunne who was strangled to death by her boyfriend at the age of 22.

“Then, at a party she met John Thomas Sweeney, the chef at popular LA nightspot Ma Maison. The two began a relationship, which turned stormy. Sweeney was uncontrollable and abusive (so abusive that Dominique did not need makeup to play the role of an abuse victim on Hill Street Blues (1981)). Dominique ended the relationship on October 30, 1982. That same night, a distraught Sweeney raced to her house, where she and actor David Packer were rehearsing a scene from V: The Final Battle (1984), dragged her outside, and strangled her, leaving her brain dead. Five days later, she was removed from life support and died, cutting short a brilliant career and leaving behind scores of shocked and angry loved ones.”

This movie is really their legacy.  They both died so very young that they didn’t get a chance to make more of a mark in this world, which is very sad.  The original Poltergeist to this day still gets me, especially knowing so many died that were in it or in the making of it.  I feel this remake failed them and did not do justice to what could have been.

If you liked this remake.. I’m happy that you did.  My husband enjoyed it.  I however did not, and that’s my opinion that I have a right to.  I mainly wrote this for those who haven’t seen it yet to let them know about it.  I’m not saying don’t see it.. I”m just saying go in knowing its nowhere near as good as the original.  And on that note.. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY… PLEASE… STOP MAKING REMAKES.  They are now in the works of remaking “Dirty Dancing” “Roadhouse” “Ghostsbusters” (not the all female version, that’s a sequel) and I’ve heard maybe even Grease… really Hollywood… can’t you come up with any new ideas?   We see how well the remakes are doing, any body remember “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?”  (btw.. Charlie now plays Norman Bates on Bates Motel)…

 

 

 

Have you ever thought about your own funeral?

The last few months have been just emotionally and physically exhausting.  It’s brought out deep dark seeded thoughts that I had thought were gone forever, but apparently they aren’t.  I had to run to the store today to buy crickets and worms for Draco when a song came on the radio and my mind went down that dark road… I started thinking of my funeral.  How it’s going to happen, where, who will come, who will even care.  I mean I know my husband will, and my kids will be devastated, and a few family members and friends.. but I doubt I’ll fill an entire funeral home, like my mother and father did. It’s not that I’m not as nice as they were, maybe I’m just not as well known. Maybe it’s because I suffer from severe depression and anxiety disorder and people can’t understand it and just discard me like yesterday’s trash because “I’m so negative”.  You’d be amazed at how many times I’m told “JUST GET OVER IT”… yeah if it were only that easy. Anyways, the song was..

Anyways, I got to thinking “Does my husband know everything I want for my funeral”.  I mean I know he knows I want to be cremated and I know he knows a couple of the songs I want so I figured, hey this would be a good blog.  This way when the times come not only does my husband and children know, my family knows.

First off, I don’t want a funeral.  I want those who come to say goodbye to me to be the opposite of how I’ve lived.  I want them to be happy.  To be worry free about me. To know that finally I have found peace and serenity.  I want them to have a party, if I were Irish I’d say have a Wake instead.  Celebrate the things I did manage to accomplish and forget the thing I failed on.

There are a few songs I want played, the first one is the video I posted earlier.  Here is my list for the rest.

1> Don’t you cry tonight .  Guns and Roses

2> November Rain.  Guns and Roses again

3> Don’t fear the reaper . Blue Oyster Cult

4> Dust in the wind.  Kansas

5> Home Sweet Home.. Motley Crue

That’s it… There are a hundred more I could list but I don’t think people will want to be there for hours so.. just those.  If anyone wants to request a song that reminds them of me, let em.  I mean they are there to celebrate my life so whatever makes them happy, let them have it.

There are a few people I do not want there.  I have thought about it and have decided that if they can’t be in my life while I am alive, they can’t celebrate my life after.  First off, I do not want my mothers other daughter there.  Now mom had 3 girls, and Michelle had better be there!!! As for that other one, no.  Absolutely not.  And my husband has direct orders to remove her should she show up, which I doubt she would anyways.  ANYONE who has unfriended me on facebook.  Fuck them.  If they couldn’t handle my “posts” they don’t get to celebrate my life.

I want to be cremated.  Don’t you dare put me in a box in the ground.  I will come back and haunt the shit out of anyone who puts me in the ground.  I really like the idea of having my ashes mixed in with soil and a tree planted.  I’d like to be a Weeping Willow if possible.

http://bigthink.com/design-for-good/this-awesome-urn-will-turn-you-into-a-tree-after-you-die

Let my kids and husband decide where to plant my tree.  My husband and kids get my possessions.  They get to decide what they want to do with them, as I don’t have much.  My son knows he gets my cross and necklace, Shelby gets my rings and earrings.  My clothes I want donated to a foundation that helps women who have manged to escape an abusive marriage/man and have to start all over again with nothing.

I don’t want anyone to give a Eulogy.. naw.. that’s a lot to put on one person.  I want everyone who wants to to tell a story about something we did.  Some craziness from our pasts together.  I want to look down and see everyone laughing at the stupid shit I managed to get away with.

So there ya have it. That’s what I want and now it’s forever written into universe.  Oh, and if my husband puts any pictures of me up, he’d better use the flattering one’s.

So Woman Who Give Birth Naturally are Superior to Those of Us Who Don’t???

I was on Facebook this morning scrolling through and seeing what my friends had been up to when I came across a post a friend had shared that made me furious. He only shared it because it made him so mad.  We both couldn’t believe that some people actually believe this way!  Of course they call themselves “Christians” which gives me even more reason to despise the word (not the concept).  Here is the actual photo with the status they had with it.

 Disciples of the New Dawn March 29 · Edited ·     · Good advice from Matriarch Graber on behalf of The Circle of Matriarchs. They have delivered many babies over the years, NATURALLY and not once has needed a C-Section or pharmaceutical toxins. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing as it is the zenith of a woman's role in a moral Christian society. If God has decided to call you home, it is not up to you or a doctor to reject Him. You may find yourself cast into the lake of fire for doing so. God's Peace.


Disciples of the New Dawn
March 29 · Edited ·
·
Good advice from Matriarch Graber on behalf of The Circle of Matriarchs. They have delivered many babies over the years, NATURALLY and not once has needed a C-Section or pharmaceutical toxins. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing as it is the zenith of a woman’s role in a moral Christian society. If God has decided to call you home, it is not up to you or a doctor to reject Him. You may find yourself cast into the lake of fire for doing so. God’s Peace.

For ANYONE to say that if a woman has a child by C-Section is a) less of a woman ad b) going to hell is just completely baffling to me. How can people, in 2015 still believe this way?  I myself had to have an emergency C-Section with my first born.  It was then the doctors discovered that because I had a small pelvis and tilted Uterus that I would never be able to give birth naturally, so when my daughter came around we picked a date and planned her delivery.  I had no other option, well other then dying!  I realize that in “Biblical” days they believed that modern medicine was the devils work and they also believed that God would heal them and if he didn’t then it meant it was just your time to go.  Well that was then.. and this is now.  We have modern medical advances for a reason!  And thank God that we do or I’d had been dead by 3 months old!

Seriously though… how the hell do people still think like this?  Do they really think that if you chose to save the life of you and your child you’ll be thrown into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Mr. Postman.. please deliver this to Heaven for me

Dear Mom…

Tomorrow makes 15 years ago that you left us.  Some days it feels like just yesterday when you left, other days it feels like you’ve been gone forever.  You’ve missed so much in our lives and I wish I could talk to you and tell you about it all!  I know you see it from where you spend your days, but I still wish I could just sit and talk to you about it.  Oh how I miss you..

Jonathan is going to turn 18 in a month!  Can you believe that?  He’s a senior in High School getting ready to graduate.  His dream of joining the military he has realized will not come true because of the medicine’s he takes every day so now he has decided he wants to be a police officer.  I won’t lie, it’s scary because it’s scary times right now for Law Enforcement, but I will support him in whatever he wants to do with his life.  The last time you saw him he was a chubby cheeked cherub who was running non stop and driving me crazy!  You only got to see him two times, once when he was just 12 weeks old and then again when he was a year old.  I managed to snap a picture of you holding him that last time we ever got to see you.  Do you remember this day?  I do, but sadly Jonathan does not.

558304_10150609706770870_1459534091_n

You left this Earth 2 years before Shelby graced us with her presence.  I’m positive you hand picked her out and sent her to me.  She has been my saving grace so many times.  Uncle Keith got to meet her a few years ago and he said she looked exactly like you did at that age.  In fact, he repeated it several times because he just couldn’t get over how much she resembled his lost sister.  I have to laugh at times when she’s talking non stop (I swear without stopping to breathe) because I can hear you saying “I hope you have a kid one day that talks as much as you do”!  Well you got your wish mom, because she never shuts up.  She hopes to one day be a famous actress.  Now who does that sound like?  She made the cheer squad this year!  I cried when she told me she made it because I was so happy for her.  She has so much more self esteem then I ever did especially at that age!  She’s on the honor roll every semester and she’s in the gifted program.  She defiantly takes after her me-maw. I really wish you would have gotten to meet her!  I know she would have adored you!

064

The past few months have been extremely hard for me and I wish more then anything that I could pick up the phone and call you up.  I’d give anything to just hear your voice.  The last two weeks alone have been enough for me to wish I could just lay down and go to sleep and wake up in your arms.  I have a very long hard battle ahead of me and I really need you here more then ever.  I am trying to channel your strength to make it through it all, but I’m exhausted.

Rob is doing good.  He’s doing everything he can to help me heal and keep my anxieties down.  He keeps reminding me that right now I need to concentrate on my health and let him worry about everything else.  You would really like him.  He’s a good guy and he loves your baby girl with all his heart.

Sadly Jodi and I are no longer speaking.  Things just couldn’t work out so I cut her loose.  Sometimes you have to let someone go even if you love them.  I wish her well but I can’t have her in my life.  I’m truly sorry for it, I feel as though I have failed you but I gave it my honest all.  She just refuses to meet me in the middle and I can’t worry about her and take care of myself.  To bad you can’t come down and smack her!

This year you got to bring your best friend home with you.  Please tell Linda hi for me, and that I love her and I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore.  Tell grandma hi and let her know that Aunt J is doing well!

There’s so much more I’d like to tell you, but there just isn’t enough time to write it all down!  Keep your ears open for me because I’ve been talking to you a lot lately.  I love you so much and I miss you more and more.

“You are my sunshine.. my only sunshine.. you make me happy when skies are grey.. you’ll never know dear, how much I love you… please don’t take my sunshine away”….

Love forever and always,

Brat!

61950_10151088498845870_633585786_n

In memorandum of the greatest mother ever.. Virginia Lee Underwood (aka Ginger Lee) 11.22.1945 to 03.31.2000.

A Split Second…

It only takes a split second… that’s it.  Everything can change in just the same amount of time that it takes for you to blink your eyes.  Think about it.  Think about the times in your life when something happened or something that was said changed your path forever. Your first love telling you “I’ve met someone else” or “Maybe we should see other people”.  It only took a second to say the words but it changed you.  It changed your heart an your mind.  Later on in life you may have heard “Will you marry me” and you said “yes”, and all in the matter of seconds.

Maybe it was something wonderful like “You’re expecting”… or “its a girl/boy”.  or how about even “it’s twins”.  I myself have been blessed twice hearing “You’re pregnant” and once hearing “It’s a boy” then “it’s a girl”.  Sometimes in a split second life can change in ways you never really expected, and was better then you ever dreamed.  Those are the moments that we all hold onto to get us through those other moments that change things for the worse.

Maybe, sadly someone in your life or even maybe yourself heard a word that forever changed you.  Cancer.  I’ve heard that word in my life to many times.  I’ve lost 3 people I loved dearly to cancer, one just last week and I currently have one person fighting since 2008 to beat it.

Maybe the phone rang one day..and the voice on the other end was letting you know there had been an accident or someone you loved couldn’t handle life anymore and didn’t reach out for help.  That split second they made a choice that impacted your life forever.

We’ve all had split seconds in our lives that changed it and us forever.  We’ve all had split seconds in our lives where we have made decisions in split seconds that changed everyone else around us.  It only does take a split second….

I guess we all just have to remember that when things get really bad that it could all change in that split second… and when things are going good to cherish it, because that to can change in that same exact split second.

Some more completed Art work.. that are for sale BTW

I’ve been working on a few projects lately.  A friend wanted me to paint her an angel… and omg.. AACCKKK.. I can’t paint people… so I’ve spent over a week drawing and painting and practicing angels.  1908219_10152596958420870_4790740801240071620_n 10404189_10152599519690870_6618460671384954130_n3.19.15 10930168_10152597036090870_2039118690210753349_n angel 03.11.15

 

These are just a few of my attempts… but the time came to put it on canvas.  This is how it ended up looking when I finished it today.

 

Going home 03.20.15I’ve titled this one, going home.  I worked really hard on this one.. and I hope she truly loves it and isn’t just being nice because she’s my friend…

Yesterday a lady I considered a second mother growing up lost her battle to cancer.  I painted this one this morning for her.. it’s titled Saying Goodbye..

saying goodbye tree 03.20.15  Linda Shelton

 

The only other two I don’t think I’ve posted here are..

-acrylic-painting-acrylic-sunset-priyanka-rastogi unnamed (1)