Where are you Christmas?

Growing up my mother did everything she could to make our Christmas’s the best ever.  As a single mother of 4 kids it was hard work to make sure there were plenty of gifts under the tree and amazing meals to look forward to with family and friends.  As we all grew older she still managed to pull us all together to celebrate with laughter in our conversations and love in our hearts.  I grew up and moved away and had children of my own, and even though I was 1000 miles away she still made me feel like I was there.  After she was gone and my family kind of just disappeared I did my best to make sure my kids had the best Christmas’s possible.  Through a horrible 2 yr divorce, a new marriage and step dad, a move 1500 miles away from everything I still tried to give them great Christmas memories.

This year however, I’m having a hard time mustering up the energy to even bother.  I just want to shrink away.  Medical issue’s have made this the hardest year physically ever.  I’m mentally worn out and physically exhausted and I just don’t have any Christmas spirit.  I don’t even want to put out the decorations and lord knows I have no desire to stand in the kitchen all day cooking and baking.  I’m just going through the motions waiting patiently for January to hurry up and get here.

I realize that I suffer from BiPolar disorder and Anxiety Disorder and these things are making it worse for me.  I try to fight the voices in my head telling me how nothing is going to make this holiday season worth celebrating.. but I’m losing this battle.    I’m not writing this blog for pity or “cheer up” messages… I’m writing this so that people who have their lives together, people who don’t suffer from depression and are full of the Christmas and Holiday spirit can hopefully understand that not everyone feels that way.  For some this is the hardest time of the year.  My mothers birthday is November 22 which always makes Thanksgiving hard for me and a dear friends birthday was December 5 and with him gone.. well it just adds to the rest of the things that are going wrong.

So if you see someone who appears to be anxious, or depressed.. maybe they just look lonely please don’t pity them.  Don’t give them some obnoxious “It’ll be okay” speech and whatever you do please don’t tell them “Just chose to be happy”…Just be understanding, patient and caring.  Not everyone looks forward to the “cheer” this time of year.. some of us just want to disappear until it’s all over.

Some of the thoughts in my head….

Last Thursday I had my fifth surgery in just over 4 yrs.  This one wasn’t as bad at the previous ones, it was more superficial.  In other words they didn’t go as deep into my body as they have been so I wasn’t put under as deep as they normally put me under.   This time was more like I just went to sleep, no tube down my throat, no tape over my eye’s pulling my eyebrows out (yeah that happened), no just took a nap and woke up with incisions and pain.

As I was sitting here this morning scratching around one of the incisions (not the actual incision but I’m still pulling the stuff off around the tape) I got to thinking about all the surgeries I’ve had.. and just how many people have seen me naked?  I mean, when you are on the operating table they take your gown off, you know that gown that you have to be naked under when you go in.  So just how many people are in the room while you are having your surgery?  You have the surgeon(s) and if it’s a teaching hospital like where I go there’s a lot of student doctors involved.  Then you have the nurse(s).  Add in the Anesthesiologist (and the students for that department) and I’m thinking that at least 12 people saw me naked last Thursday.   If you know me, you know I don’t like anyone seeing me naked, hell I don’t even like seeing myself naked!

Then my thoughts went to the previous surgeries.  If there were at least 12 people in each of those surgeries then in total of at least 60 people I don’t know have seen me naked!  MIND BLOWN….

Now my next random thoughts were, what were they talking about during each of those surgeries?  Were they strictly business and discussing the surgery they were doing?  Or were they discussing their personal lives, the things they had done the previous weekend or what they had planned for the next one?  Or were they talking about me and how fugly my body is?  Now before you get all “You should love your body”.. I do.. My body has been through hell and back and is still working… but because it’s been through so much it’s not the prettiest body ever.  I have excess skin from weight loss, I have many many scars from surgeries and battles.. I have little boobs (was kinda ripped off in that department!!)  and well my ass is lower then it used to be.  So needless to say it’s not pretty… so are they making fun of it?  Are they pointing out my flaws and cracking jokes?  Or are they feeling pity for me and talking about how badly the first surgeon botched me and the hell I’ve gone through since?

Yeah… I know I’m weird.  I never said I wasn’t, in fact I do believe that I’ve said many times that I am weird.

Man found with 30 EYEBALLS in his anus!



I just don’t know where to even start with this…. I’m at a loss for words..  Okay.. lets see here.  First he likes the tastes and texture of eyeballs… (I just threw up in my mouth a lil thinking about that)!  I can only imagine they would be slimy and squishy.  Escargot comes to mind on that, which I’ve had and didn’t like.  Second he says it helps with ED issues (Erectile Dysfunction) which he is battling.  Now I know that Viagra and Cialis are expensive as all get out.. but c’mon dude.. really??? Eyeballs???  Just go to the local XXX store and buy some of those pills from there.  They are still expensive but hell… they gotta tastes better and they never ever ever have to be in your ass at any time!  Third.  They’ve estimated he’s stolen thousands of eyeballs over the years…. how much sex is that man having?  And if these eyeballs really do help… then I think maybe someone should figure out a way to make them into a pill to sell.  They’ll be millionaires, nay billionaires within a year!

The police are investigating some knives found in his car (he works at a slaughter house) but they also don’t know what to charge him with on the eyeballs so they are talking to his employers on whether they want to press charges against him.  You’d kinda hope that they would just let it go (not like they were using the eyeballs anyways) and just let this man live w/ his embarrassment for the rest of his life because you know his friends will never ever ever let him forget this.  Ever.

My only true question is…. did he at least put them in baggies before shoving them up his ass, or did he just bring them home, shit them out and wash them off and cook em up?  GAG.. I just threw up in my mouth again…  Excuse me but I must now go brush my teeth for about an hour and hope to get that thought out of my head!

I’m back!

Hello fellow bloggers… I’m sorry I’ve been MIA for awhile… My laptop died and my desktop is a dinosaur that is on it’s last leg of life… so I had no way to post.. but I am back!  I am planning on working on Lacy’s Journal now that I can and turning it into a full novel.  I hope all is well with you…

Glad to be back!

Happy Fathers Day… Mom!

On June 25, 1978 my mother had to step into the shoe’s of both mom and dad after my dad was killed.  I was young and have very few memories of him so please don’t feel sadness for me.  My mother was the greatest!  She loved us with every ounce of her being.  She worked extremely hard and managed to open 2 successful business and owned multiple properties.  She was and always will be my inspiration to be and do better every day!  I always thought she would be here forever, that she was the strongest woman in the world and nothing would ever stop her.  Sadly the one thing that could was cancer.  I know that this day is for the dad’s out there but some of us didn’t have dad’s in our lives growing up, instead we had very strong women who stepped up and did the job of both parents.  So for those of you who have felt the sting of having no male role model, know you are not alone and its okay.  No, really it is okay.  Just because we didn’t have the “traditional” families doesn’t mean we are strange or were “denied” anything.  If you were as lucky as I was to have such an amazing mother or grandmother or aunt or whoever raised you in your life… then you are whole and complete.

I remember the first time I gave my mom flowers for Fathers Day.  I was 16 and it dawned on me that she was my mom and dad so I bought her some flowers and a card with my money from my paycheck and I drove out to her bar and gave them to her.  She started crying and my heart sank.  I thought I had done something wrong.  She had to step into the back to gather herself up and get her composure back.  After a few moments she came out with a huge smile on her face and hugged me so tightly and kissed my cheek and told me how much she loved me.  Looking back now I can see those tears in a totally different light.  She wasn’t upset with me, she was flooded with emotions of love and pride and felt like someone noticed how much she was doing.  Maybe it was the first time someone had said something or done something like that for her.  I know I was the first of us kids to do it so it probably just really took her by surprise.  I have had to be both parents to my kids.  After I left and divorced my ex he stopped having anything to do with his kids, but luckily I met and married a man who has stepped up and has been a great step father to my kids.

So to my mother who also played the part of my dad… HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO YOU IN HEAVEN DEAR MOTHER..  Words cannot express how grateful I am for having those short 29 years with you, or how angry I am that I was denied so many more that I should have had.  Growing up my biggest fear was losing you, now it’s losing the memory of you.

mom and me