Have you ever thought about your own funeral?

The last few months have been just emotionally and physically exhausting.  It’s brought out deep dark seeded thoughts that I had thought were gone forever, but apparently they aren’t.  I had to run to the store today to buy crickets and worms for Draco when a song came on the radio and my mind went down that dark road… I started thinking of my funeral.  How it’s going to happen, where, who will come, who will even care.  I mean I know my husband will, and my kids will be devastated, and a few family members and friends.. but I doubt I’ll fill an entire funeral home, like my mother and father did. It’s not that I’m not as nice as they were, maybe I’m just not as well known. Maybe it’s because I suffer from severe depression and anxiety disorder and people can’t understand it and just discard me like yesterday’s trash because “I’m so negative”.  You’d be amazed at how many times I’m told “JUST GET OVER IT”… yeah if it were only that easy. Anyways, the song was..

Anyways, I got to thinking “Does my husband know everything I want for my funeral”.  I mean I know he knows I want to be cremated and I know he knows a couple of the songs I want so I figured, hey this would be a good blog.  This way when the times come not only does my husband and children know, my family knows.

First off, I don’t want a funeral.  I want those who come to say goodbye to me to be the opposite of how I’ve lived.  I want them to be happy.  To be worry free about me. To know that finally I have found peace and serenity.  I want them to have a party, if I were Irish I’d say have a Wake instead.  Celebrate the things I did manage to accomplish and forget the thing I failed on.

There are a few songs I want played, the first one is the video I posted earlier.  Here is my list for the rest.

1> Don’t you cry tonight .  Guns and Roses

2> November Rain.  Guns and Roses again

3> Don’t fear the reaper . Blue Oyster Cult

4> Dust in the wind.  Kansas

5> Home Sweet Home.. Motley Crue

That’s it… There are a hundred more I could list but I don’t think people will want to be there for hours so.. just those.  If anyone wants to request a song that reminds them of me, let em.  I mean they are there to celebrate my life so whatever makes them happy, let them have it.

There are a few people I do not want there.  I have thought about it and have decided that if they can’t be in my life while I am alive, they can’t celebrate my life after.  First off, I do not want my mothers other daughter there.  Now mom had 3 girls, and Michelle had better be there!!! As for that other one, no.  Absolutely not.  And my husband has direct orders to remove her should she show up, which I doubt she would anyways.  ANYONE who has unfriended me on facebook.  Fuck them.  If they couldn’t handle my “posts” they don’t get to celebrate my life.

I want to be cremated.  Don’t you dare put me in a box in the ground.  I will come back and haunt the shit out of anyone who puts me in the ground.  I really like the idea of having my ashes mixed in with soil and a tree planted.  I’d like to be a Weeping Willow if possible.

http://bigthink.com/design-for-good/this-awesome-urn-will-turn-you-into-a-tree-after-you-die

Let my kids and husband decide where to plant my tree.  My husband and kids get my possessions.  They get to decide what they want to do with them, as I don’t have much.  My son knows he gets my cross and necklace, Shelby gets my rings and earrings.  My clothes I want donated to a foundation that helps women who have manged to escape an abusive marriage/man and have to start all over again with nothing.

I don’t want anyone to give a Eulogy.. naw.. that’s a lot to put on one person.  I want everyone who wants to to tell a story about something we did.  Some craziness from our pasts together.  I want to look down and see everyone laughing at the stupid shit I managed to get away with.

So there ya have it. That’s what I want and now it’s forever written into universe.  Oh, and if my husband puts any pictures of me up, he’d better use the flattering one’s.

Kitty Jail…

A few weeks ago out of nowhere our cats started fighting.. like seriously fighting.  We thought for awhile we were going to have to get rid of one of them, but they worked it out and started getting along again.  Until tonight when all hell broke loose between them again.  We have no clue what set them off tonight but they are growling and hissing and trying to kill each other again, so I’ve put the meaner one in “kitty jail”.   It’s so funny to sit here and watch her in the cage because she keeps trying to unlock the door…

She’s definitely trying..

Losing Faith

I’ve been tested and retested over and over again over the last few years, especially the last few months and frankly.. I’m tired of it.  There comes a time in one’s life where they just don’t want to go through yet another test!  I keep hearing “God is testing you, preparing you for a better life.   Blessings are coming your way, you just have to keep the faith”.. well… guess what.  I don’t HAVE to keep anything.  All I HAVE to do is pay taxes and die, and guess what.. right now I don’t even have the money needed to file my taxes so I can’t pay them which means I’ll end up most likely audited and thrown in jail over it (if not jail then just the legal system which I’ve seen first hand how screwed up that is), so there is no faith.  There, I said it.. I have no faith.  I’m not saying I don’t believe in God or miracles or Heaven and Hell.. I’m just saying for myself.. I have no faith left in me.  It’s been all tested out of me.

A friend of mine tried to explain to me that God is just like parents.  When you are a parent you will ask/tell your kids to do something and they don’t do it.  So you raise your voice a little and they still don’t do it until you get to a point where you are screaming at them like a crazy person to do whatever it is you’ve told them to do.  She said “Maybe God is screaming at you to do something but you aren’t hearing him”… well I’ve done EVERYTHING I can possibly think to do so if he is yelling at me either I’m deaf or he’s screaming it in a different language and that’s why I can’t understand him.  Maybe if he showed me just a small break for us.. something to show me that we aren’t spiraling out of control to the earth getting ready to crash and burn, that he see’s how hard we are working and trying to survive and do the right thing and be good people then maybe.. just maybe I might have a little more faith.  But he hasn’t done any of that, instead he keeps throwing up road blocks and sending more test from every direction and I’m just burned out!  So screw it.  I don’t pray for myself anymore and I really don’t think anyone needs to pray for me.  He isn’t listening.  He’s mad at me.  Maybe I sacrificed small children and nuns in a past life?  Or if it’s “Children pay for the sins of their parents”… well both my parents are dead so I can’t ask them if they were Satan worshipers and now I’m paying for it. (BTW.. my parents weren’t Satan worshipers).

So for right now I’m just surviving.  I’m going through the motions of everyday.  Get up, make sure I remember to shower and brush my teeth, get the kids ready and off to school or for this week (it’s Spring Break here) make sure they shower and brush their teeth and eat once in awhile and wear my mask of false bravado and get through the day until I can medicate and go to bed and say “fuck you reality” for a little while.   And you know what?  I”m okay with this.  It’s being numb to everything, and right now numb is good.

Anyways.. this isn’t what I wanted to write about but I just had a conversation with someone I love dearly and I could hear the sadness in her voice when I said don’t pray for me, God doesn’t hear those prayers.  I don’t want anyone sad for how I am right now. I just want to survive long enough to get through each day until I no longer have to.

I’m in the mood…

It’s 9 am and I’m the only one up.  Gotta love spring break, and a hubby working nights so he sleeps during the days.  There’s so much in my head I want to write about, it’s like someone flipped the switch in my head that had been turned off for so long.  I want to write about sex, about travel, about the weather warming up (finally).. about anything but the hell I have been going through for months.

I am still working on turning my Lacy’s Journal into a full book I just haven’t been too motivated to write lately.  Hopefully that is changing.  I’m also thinking of starting a new short story, it would be “Craig’s Journal”.  My idea is to write 3 books about the same story but from the 3 main characters points of view.  What do you all think?

Anyways… be on the lookout for new stuff.  I’m trying to get back into writing more and I hope that you will all enjoy what I have in the works.

So Woman Who Give Birth Naturally are Superior to Those of Us Who Don’t???

I was on Facebook this morning scrolling through and seeing what my friends had been up to when I came across a post a friend had shared that made me furious. He only shared it because it made him so mad.  We both couldn’t believe that some people actually believe this way!  Of course they call themselves “Christians” which gives me even more reason to despise the word (not the concept).  Here is the actual photo with the status they had with it.

 Disciples of the New Dawn March 29 · Edited ·     · Good advice from Matriarch Graber on behalf of The Circle of Matriarchs. They have delivered many babies over the years, NATURALLY and not once has needed a C-Section or pharmaceutical toxins. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing as it is the zenith of a woman's role in a moral Christian society. If God has decided to call you home, it is not up to you or a doctor to reject Him. You may find yourself cast into the lake of fire for doing so. God's Peace.


Disciples of the New Dawn
March 29 · Edited ·
·
Good advice from Matriarch Graber on behalf of The Circle of Matriarchs. They have delivered many babies over the years, NATURALLY and not once has needed a C-Section or pharmaceutical toxins. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing as it is the zenith of a woman’s role in a moral Christian society. If God has decided to call you home, it is not up to you or a doctor to reject Him. You may find yourself cast into the lake of fire for doing so. God’s Peace.

For ANYONE to say that if a woman has a child by C-Section is a) less of a woman ad b) going to hell is just completely baffling to me. How can people, in 2015 still believe this way?  I myself had to have an emergency C-Section with my first born.  It was then the doctors discovered that because I had a small pelvis and tilted Uterus that I would never be able to give birth naturally, so when my daughter came around we picked a date and planned her delivery.  I had no other option, well other then dying!  I realize that in “Biblical” days they believed that modern medicine was the devils work and they also believed that God would heal them and if he didn’t then it meant it was just your time to go.  Well that was then.. and this is now.  We have modern medical advances for a reason!  And thank God that we do or I’d had been dead by 3 months old!

Seriously though… how the hell do people still think like this?  Do they really think that if you chose to save the life of you and your child you’ll be thrown into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Mr. Postman.. please deliver this to Heaven for me

Dear Mom…

Tomorrow makes 15 years ago that you left us.  Some days it feels like just yesterday when you left, other days it feels like you’ve been gone forever.  You’ve missed so much in our lives and I wish I could talk to you and tell you about it all!  I know you see it from where you spend your days, but I still wish I could just sit and talk to you about it.  Oh how I miss you..

Jonathan is going to turn 18 in a month!  Can you believe that?  He’s a senior in High School getting ready to graduate.  His dream of joining the military he has realized will not come true because of the medicine’s he takes every day so now he has decided he wants to be a police officer.  I won’t lie, it’s scary because it’s scary times right now for Law Enforcement, but I will support him in whatever he wants to do with his life.  The last time you saw him he was a chubby cheeked cherub who was running non stop and driving me crazy!  You only got to see him two times, once when he was just 12 weeks old and then again when he was a year old.  I managed to snap a picture of you holding him that last time we ever got to see you.  Do you remember this day?  I do, but sadly Jonathan does not.

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You left this Earth 2 years before Shelby graced us with her presence.  I’m positive you hand picked her out and sent her to me.  She has been my saving grace so many times.  Uncle Keith got to meet her a few years ago and he said she looked exactly like you did at that age.  In fact, he repeated it several times because he just couldn’t get over how much she resembled his lost sister.  I have to laugh at times when she’s talking non stop (I swear without stopping to breathe) because I can hear you saying “I hope you have a kid one day that talks as much as you do”!  Well you got your wish mom, because she never shuts up.  She hopes to one day be a famous actress.  Now who does that sound like?  She made the cheer squad this year!  I cried when she told me she made it because I was so happy for her.  She has so much more self esteem then I ever did especially at that age!  She’s on the honor roll every semester and she’s in the gifted program.  She defiantly takes after her me-maw. I really wish you would have gotten to meet her!  I know she would have adored you!

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The past few months have been extremely hard for me and I wish more then anything that I could pick up the phone and call you up.  I’d give anything to just hear your voice.  The last two weeks alone have been enough for me to wish I could just lay down and go to sleep and wake up in your arms.  I have a very long hard battle ahead of me and I really need you here more then ever.  I am trying to channel your strength to make it through it all, but I’m exhausted.

Rob is doing good.  He’s doing everything he can to help me heal and keep my anxieties down.  He keeps reminding me that right now I need to concentrate on my health and let him worry about everything else.  You would really like him.  He’s a good guy and he loves your baby girl with all his heart.

Sadly Jodi and I are no longer speaking.  Things just couldn’t work out so I cut her loose.  Sometimes you have to let someone go even if you love them.  I wish her well but I can’t have her in my life.  I’m truly sorry for it, I feel as though I have failed you but I gave it my honest all.  She just refuses to meet me in the middle and I can’t worry about her and take care of myself.  To bad you can’t come down and smack her!

This year you got to bring your best friend home with you.  Please tell Linda hi for me, and that I love her and I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore.  Tell grandma hi and let her know that Aunt J is doing well!

There’s so much more I’d like to tell you, but there just isn’t enough time to write it all down!  Keep your ears open for me because I’ve been talking to you a lot lately.  I love you so much and I miss you more and more.

“You are my sunshine.. my only sunshine.. you make me happy when skies are grey.. you’ll never know dear, how much I love you… please don’t take my sunshine away”….

Love forever and always,

Brat!

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In memorandum of the greatest mother ever.. Virginia Lee Underwood (aka Ginger Lee) 11.22.1945 to 03.31.2000.