White Fur by Jardine Libaire review

So several months ago a friend asked me if I would be interested in joining her online book club, and after thinking on it for a while I decided why not!  It’s an opportunity for me to a) read!! OMG how I have missed reading and now that I’m “obligated” to read every week my family has to give me the time to do so! and b) give me an hour to log into Zoom and hang out with some really fun ladies and chat about the book and anything else we want.. trust me when I say NOTHING is off the table..lol.

White Fur was the first book I read in the club.  Now normally all I read is horror, paranormal, zombie stuff.  On very rare occasions I’ll read a romance novel but honestly those just irk me so I tend to stay away from them.  I knew this going in to the club and even discussed my concerns and the ladies assured me that they chose very different books each time someone chooses.. there was really no set genre.  Ok, cool…

Now let me start off with.. this is MY opinion and review of the book.. If you enjoyed it, great!  If you hated it.. so sorry you wasted your time reading it then.  This is just my opinion as will be for every review I do.  No need in arguing my opinion of something… it’s my opinion..  I know the internet is full of trolls who just love to argue for no other reason than arguing.

This is pretty much the same retold story of a boy meets girl.. boy is from the wealthy elite side of the tracks.. the girl is dirt poor.  She trades a girl on a bus for this used white rabbit fur coat and she cherishes it!

Jamey is the Yale boy from seriously old money who realizes he’s bored with life when he meets his neighbor Elise.  The attraction to her is both intense and disgusting to him at the same time.  She is so beneath him and that tantalizes him.  He shows her off to her family putting her in situations she is not familiar with or comfortable with, but on the flip side she does the same thing to him.  Their sexual escapades grow and as time goes on (and his family and friends protest as in true 80’s movie fashion with these story lines does) they decide to move in together after their summer whirlwind romance!

So off to NYC they go, but at first she is a hidden secret.  Of course it’s discovered that she is staying with him and now he has to choose her or the money.. Well of course he gives up his millions to be with her.  His millions upon millions upon millions so he can wear sweatshirts they find tied to fences.  Hmm, yeah sounds legit.

They get married, damn the world!  They are going to show them all!  So they go to a dinner party that his friends throw when all hell breaks loose, they’ve spiked the drinks with LSD!  Now Jamey is dying.  DYING I SAY!  He’s only got days left on this planet.. he can feel his body rotting from within because he’s already dead inside..  he wants Elise to kill him, even though she’s pregnant with his child.  All of this because he drank a drink laced with LSD!  OH THE DESPAIR!

Ok.. here is my real issues with this entire book.  I mean I have issues’ with him being disgusted by her..yet still leading her on.  I have issues with the way he went about “falling in love” with her.  I have issue’s with their entire relationship in general.. but my REAL problem is….  that whole LSD scenario.  I mean come on.  Has this author never tried it?  Did this author not research it?  Ask someone what it was like?  I mean hell… I’ve done acid a few times back in the day and had a couple of really bad trips!  Spent one night holding the walls up because they were breathing and collapsing.  Spend another time having a conversation with my father, who had died 15 years earlier!  Never once did I or anyone I knew who did LSD ever.. I MEAN EVER think that they had actually died.  That they were walking around dead inside.  To the point they were in the hospital.. they’ve stopped eating for weeks.. they want someone to shoot them in the head because they are rotting.  I would say “I’m sorry but this was just stupid” but I’m not sorry for saying this was just stupid!  It felt like the author was trying desperately to come up with a quick ending to a story that had no ending.

Anyways.. I’ll give it 3 stars.  It’s not bad, it’s just not good either.  It’s in the mneh pile for me.

White Fur

The BiPolar Pendulum

When you tell people that you’re Bi Polar you get the look, followed by the questions.  “Are you sure you’re Bi Polar?  Have you been diagnosed by a doctor or self diagnosed?  Maybe you aren’t really Bi Polar, maybe you’re just really stressed out because of everything you’ve been going through and you just need a break”.   I just love those questions!  I just want to say “Yeah.. and maybe you’re just really stupid but don’t realize it yet.. maybe you should go get diagnosed by a doctor for it”.

If someone tells me that they have a mental health disorder my first response is never “Naw.. you don’t have one of those.. you’re just stressed and need a break!”  If you knew how extremely hard it is for a person to not only be diagnosed with a disorder but accept it and learn to live with it you wouldn’t say such stupid things.  No one wants to go through life knowing there is a problem with the chemistry in their brain and we damn sure don’t want to be questioned about it either!  It’s hard enough to just say we have it, and live through our daily lives trying to deal with the massive mood swings.  Don’t make us defend ourselves to it too.

I want to try to explain to my readers what it’s like to have a Bi Polar pendulum mood swing.  We all know that women can be a little moody when they are suffering from PMS.  No I’m not being sexist, I am a woman and I know what it’s like to have a period, be bloated and miserable wanting to cry one minute and scream and yell the next.  We’ve all gone through it.  A pendulum swing is not the same thing.  The best way I can think of to explain it is a visual explanation.  Did you ever see the movie “The Conjuring”?  If not you need to it’s a really good movie.. but that’s neither here nor there.. Anyways.. if you did then you remember the scene where the witch picks up Nancy by her hair and swings her around from one side of the room to the other, but at this point no one can actually see the witch so it appears as if she’s just being thrown around like a rag doll.  Well when you have that Bi Polar swing you are flying across the room, only its in your head and there’s nothing you can do about it.


Most people stay in the “normal” range pretty much all the time, only ever swinging when something bad or good happens.  Say the death of a loved one, or maybe winning a large prize.  When we lose someone we swing to the depressed side, which is logical.  You expect to be depressed or have people depressed when a loved one passes away or because of an accident, house fire something that happened to swing them in that direction.  Just like you’d expect someone to be manic if say they won the lotto, or maybe found out they were going to have a baby or become a grandparent.  For someone like me, those mood swings happen for no reason, other than we are alive and breathing.  Sometimes the mood swings come on gradually, slowly creeping up on us a little more every day.  Sometimes we are thrown across the room into either depression or manic.  The massive quick swing is worse for me, because I have no time to process it.  This is what I am going through right now.  I felt the swing happen yesterday and it literally feels like I’ve been picked up and thrown against a wall.  I feel it happening but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.  Like I told my therapist today, I feel like I am plugged into the electrical outlet and the current is swimming through my veins and if I try to just hold those electrical impulses in I will explode but if I let them out I may end up in a hospital wearing a nice coat that makes me hug myself.  I want to lunge out at people, telling them every bad thought I’ve ever had about them.  I want to throat punch complete strangers.  I want to run a marathon.  I want to get in my car and drive off into the night leaving everyone and everything behind.  But I’m one of the lucky one’s, because I can recognize that I’ve been swung into the manic phase.  Or in my case the Hyper Manic Phase.. because ya know.. just being plain ol manic isn’t enough..nooo we gotta add hyper to it!  Because I can recognize it and put into words what and how I am feeling I can somewhat control my actions keeping the general public safe.  I can not however control my feelings, meaning I will continue to feel angry, and hyper and alone.  I will feel like the smallest problem is now the worlds biggest.  Like a mosquito bite is equivalent to a King Cobra strike.  There is no in between when you are manic and that is truly miserable.  I don’t want to hurt or stress my family, but being alone in my head will and can hurt me.  I suppose I should be thankful though, because manic is so much better than depressed.  Especially when you’ve become depressed for no reason what so ever.

All I can do is continue to take my weight gaining, diabetic causing medicine and hope for the best.  I already exercise, watch what I eat.  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke.  I see my therapist.. I do all the things people will tell you to do to help control the mood swings but they don’t last.  I just keep praying that one day my family and friends will truly understand that I loved them deeply, even when my mood kept me from showing them.

Some may wonder why I’m blogging about this today.  I am because I want to help spread awareness  Not everyone can just “get over it” or “chose to be happy”.  Some of us need a little more love and understanding in our “swing times”.


Generic VS Name Brand

I’ve always been the type of person who tries to save money any way I can.  I only buy things I need that are on sale or second hand, I try not to impulse buy anything and I buy generic brand groceries instead of those higher priced name brand foods, for the most part.  There are a few things however that I just cannot use the generics because they tastes just so bad!  I figured i’d give a list of a few things that in my opinion, the name brand is worth the extra money.

5) Tuna.  I just can’t deal with the cheaper brands anymore.  It has to be Bumble Bee or Starkist for me, the store brands are so discolored and just tastes so blah!  I have gotten to the point where I buy the Albacore only now.

4) Potato Chips.  I generally don’t eat potato chips, but on occasion I get a hankering for a good old salty crunch chip.  Every time I try generics I am completely let down.  They have burned ones in it, ones that are so hard you can’t hardly eat them.  Some are so salty it feels like you’re mouth is drying up and cracking or completely on the other end of the spectrum and no salt at all.  So I splurge and get me a bag of Ruffles or Lays.

3) Soda’s.  Now I haven’t had a soda in 8 years and I don’t miss them at all, but when I did drink them they had to be Coca Cola or Dr. Pepper!  No Dr. Perky, no Mt. Lion.. bleck.


2) Peanut Butter.  Give me Jif or none at all! The store named peanut butters just seem so sugary and kinda tastes like cardboard disguised as peanut butter.  I’m finicky, what can I say!

And the number 1 thing that I just cannot do in generic brands is..

1)  Macaroni and Cheese!  About 6 months ago or so I decided to stop using boxed mac n cheese altogether and just spend the extra making it from scratch.  That powdered cheese stuff is kinda grossing me out.  I used to love Kraft mac n cheese but as I get older I’m finding more and more foods that I used to love now hate.. like Fast Food.. I’m down to Chick Fil A.. that’s it!  The rest are just gross to me.. but that’s a different blog..lol  Anyways.. have you tried the store bought mac n cheeses?  I have yet to find one that tastes even remotely close to Krafts!  None compare to my homemade but in a pinch.. it’s gonna have to be Kraft! (Velveeta is great but expensive!)


So.. how about you?  Is there anything that’s not on my list that you just have to have the name brand only?  Let me know.


Through the bad comes the good

2016 was not a good year!  The USA has been so divided and fueled with anger and rage.  Riot after riot, protest, fake news and so much more.  The Celebrity world was rocked over and over again, right up to the last hours on the last day of the year with death after death.  For me personally, it was a very long year because of our financial situation.  Even though we were finally at the 12 yard line at our own goal.. it was still going to be a very long very hard year.   I’ve been out of work for almost 2 yrs now due to medical issue’s and this was the last year of our financial obligation.  The two mixed together has been impossible.  We barely made ends meet when I was working, when I had to stop those ends got further and further apart.  We have had to let every credit card go to the creditors (and those were only used to buy groceries and put gas in the cars).  We had a repossession and so many other things thrown on us that it just seemed like it was destined to be a year of heartache and failures… but it wasn’t.  Even through all the hell, heaven showed through.  So hear is my year in a nut shell.

The beginning of the year started out like the last 10, us at home ringing in the new year with lots of food and sitting at the table playing games, listening to music or whatever.  The only difference was my daughter went to her friends for the night.  They get older and suddenly sitting at home with the parents isn’t as much fun as it used to be!  So it was a quiet beginning.

Jan/Feb/March were all quiet.  Just us at home trying to survive.  The cold had me indoors most of the time.  Then in April I was given a fantastic surprise!  My sister.. my best friend in the whole wide world came to visit me… and she whisked me away to NYC.  I blogged about it so ummm.. you shoulda read it by now.  🙂  It was amazing.  I fell in love with the city and I can’t wait to go back and explore some more! I wish I could live there!  At least have a place that I could go stay whenever I wanted to!  1 thing off my bucket list!  And honestly it was something I never thought I would get to mark off.

May brought on my son’s 19th bday and my 7th wedding anniversary.  Both very low key because of that whole no money thing.  But we were alive and healthy so that was reason enough to celebrate.

June saw another thing I’d never been a part of before.. I got to witness the birth of my great nephew ( I blogged about it too).  Both of my kids were CSections so I never actually saw the births.  It was truly a miracle to see.  I stayed in tears with the biggest grin.  Such a blessing to be a part of it.

July took my babies to Texas to visit their family.  My son got to go this time, it’d been years since he went so he was very excited to go.  He really misses his poppy and grandma and Aunts and Uncles and cousins.. so he was in heaven to see them again. The rest of summer was pretty quite.  Most days at the pool trying to get slim and tan, neither was accomplished!  Got a lil red sometimes but managed to avoid the intense lobster red I’m so accustomed to turning into it.

August found us in the ER with a facial wound!  My daughter was cleaning and rearranging her room when she accidentally hit the light with her mattress and looked up just in time to see the glass falling down.. right into her face!  Luckily she got clocked in the nose, a half an inch in either side she’d have gotten her eye!  She got a couple of stitches and worried constantly about the “scar” she was going to have.  I kept telling her it’s character but she kept freaking out about it.  She’s better now, even though she still complains that it sometimes hurts.  My birthday came and went in August too… I’ve decided I don’t wanna go up in age anymore..lol.  So from now on every birthday will be my 40th!

September was back to school and back to doing nothing for me!  The pool closed so I just stayed in.  I know.. I’m exciting.

October found us back in the ER.  Yup, my daughter again.  She’s very athletic, she is on the cheer squad, track team and basket ball team.  She’s always said he knee’s hurt some but you’d have to see her to understand why I never overly worried about it.. she’s all knee’s and elbows so I just thought she’d grow into her body.  Except she came home one day and her knee was super swollen.  The doctor came in and looked at me then looked at her and said “You’re just like your mother.. see how she’s weird shaped from the hips down? Well, you’re weird shaped to”.. she was being truthful but in a funny teasing way. She said “Your mother is knock kneed and pigeon toed.. you can see it clearly just by looking at her.. and you’ve inherited those qualities”.  Poor thing.  Not to mention she’s hyper extended so she looks like a Flamingo when she’s standing.  So as soon as I was discharged from my PT because there was nothing else they could do for me, she was sent!  They only thought they were rid of me! HA!   I also dressed up this Halloween.. something I haven’t done in years!  I decided to go as Negan and I think I did a pretty good job on my costume!  I even made my bat!


November came and found us trying to prepare for the holidays as well as our daughters birthday.  Having a baby born in December makes parties difficult.  If you wait til after Thanksgiving everyone is busy and no one show’s up so we started doing her parties before Thanksgiving even though her birthday is mid December.  And because she’s such a spoiled diva this means she has multiple parties… lol.. I indulge when I can.  So we had her bday party and everyone showed up!  Which is always good and the kids had a blast.  Then we had Thanksgiving at home, very quiet.  Which leads us to December..

December was the FINALLY moment of the year.  We had made it!  10 years of purgatory was finally over!  The court ordered garnishment was done!  Everyone keeps asking us how it feels to be rich now.. but we are so far from that!  The first, second and third paychecks with out those payments were just in time to have Christmas, Birthday and rent!  So there’s been no extra money, but I’m not complaining.  Quite the opposite actually.  For the first time in more than 10 yrs we were able to finally have a good Christmas on our own.  Everyone always says “it’s the thought that counts” or “Christmas isn’t about giving gifts” but unless you are a parent who cannot do for your kids you don’t understand the feeling of failure that comes from not being able to do those things.  We’ve been graced with great friends who have helped us out many many times.. and I’ve been so thankful for those angels.. but I’ve wanted to be able to finally be at a place where I could buy the things my kids wanted on my own.. with no help and this year we did!  They didn’t have hundreds of gifts.. or the most expensive things in the world but they were happy and that filled my heart up!  Plus… my step son came to visit.  Y’all have no idea how happy that made my husband.  I don’t think his feet have touched the ground yet!  The fact that his son bought his own tickets and chose to spend the holiday with him was the greatest gift he could have ever gotten, other than if his daughters did the same thing!  It truly was a perfect Christmas.  My baby girl had her birthday and her sleep over party and she got the boots she wanted.  Well kind of.. she wanted Uggs but ain’t nobody got money for those! So instead we got her a really good pair from Kohls (with them on sale and Kohls 20% off with $10 Kohls cash!) so she was super excited!

So through a year of hardships and tragedies this year was really pretty good for us.. the most amazing thing of all.. My sister, the one who took me to NYC was diagnosed with cancer again this year.  It is her 5th time fighting this horrible disease.. she never let it get her down.. staying positive through everything.. she got her results from her pet scan the other day.. SHE IS CANCER FREE!!!! THANK YOU JESUS.  she is my rock.. my soul mate among friends.. she deserves so much good to come her way.. and getting those results is hopefully the start of good fortune windfall for her.


So happy new year all.  I hope 2016 wasn’t bad for you.. and if it was.. I hope 2017 will be so much better!


The Greatest Gift

Today is a day I will never forget… my heart is so filled with love that there aren’t adequate words in the English language to convey what I am feeling right now.  To explain just how great this gift I received today was I must first tell you a little about why this day has been plagued for more than 30 yrs of my life.

Way back in 1978 we received the news that my father had died on this day.  He left behind 4 young children with a young wife to raise us alone.  Now before you feel bad for me, know I had the greatest mother ever so I rarely ever felt like I was missing out on something.  Only on occasion, such as the father daughter dance that I was told I couldn’t attend because I didn’t have a father is really the only time I can remember feeling like something was missing.  So after that every year this day reminded me that there was something missing, even if I didn’t feel like it most of the time.

Today though, exactly 38 years later I was given a gift that has changed this day forever for me.  A gift so great that I feel so loved and feel so much love.  My best friend in the world Nekita.. well she’s my sister now.. I adopted her more than 20 yrs ago and she’s proven that she is more family to me than 95% of my blood family called me through the Facebook app so that I could be a part of and a witness to the birth of my great nephew Sebastian Dixon.  I watched with tears in my eye’s and love in my heart as my niece did an AMAZING job delivering him.  She was a real trooper, no screams, not even a moan.  She just concentrated and pushed this little new life out into the world.

Now why is this the best gift ever?  Well even though I’ve had 2 children of my own they were both C Sections so I’ve never actually witnessed someone give birth.. and to be included in this most precious most personal moment is something that just can never be topped.  The only thing that could have made it any better would be if I could have been there in person.  Thankfully we have the technology today that I could be there to witness it all.  I’m so proud of them all and feel so loved, I only hope they all know how much I just adore and love them!

So thank you Nikki and Luis and Jaquetta for including me in this event.. thank you for giving me the greatest gift I’ve ever gotten.  Thank you for calling and making me a part of the baby shower and the proposal since I couldn’t be there in person.  Thank you for making me feel so much love.  Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy.. I love you all so much… Welcome to the world baby Sebastian.  Auntie Shannon will spoil you every chance she gets to.

It’s time to say “I forgive you”

When we hold onto anger and hatred and disappointment in someone who has wronged us, we steal some of our own joy away.  We are not harming that person by staying angry at them (in most cases that is). Fact is that person probably doesn’t know or care that they’ve hurt you, even if they destroyed you to your core.  So you have to get to a point where you just say “I forgive you”.  Not so that they can come back into your life and either make it better or possibly screw you over again making the wound come back even worse than the first time… no you say so that you can let it go.  You have to get to a point where you mean it though, it’s easy to say “You’re forgiven” and not mean it.

So after many many many years… You are forgiven.  The Bible says “Do unto others as you would have done unto you”… I don’t believe that is always the truth.. sometimes you just don’t wan’t to do anything to the other and you pray they don’t want to do anything unto you again so that you can both live your lives free and clear of each other.

So I have to say it again.. You are forgiven.. I wish you well.. I wish you joy and happiness… but I wish you a life without me.  I may have forgiven you but I can and will never forget the pain you caused me, the scars will remain forever and I just can’t take the chance of you opening the wound again…so, again I say.. You are forgiven.. and farewell.

We all just want to be seen

I need to take a moment and vent a little.  You see, I am a mother of a special needs child.  Luckily my son’s disabilities aren’t “severe” and he is able to function (for the most part) in society, but it hasn’t always been that easy for him.  He’s grown up and his nerve endings have grown and reconnected in his brain just like the doctors said they would, in other words his brain rewired itself.  He was a target all through his school career and all he ever wanted really was for people to just leave him alone because he knew they’d never see him for who he really was.

If you now me you know that I LOVE the Wawa.  I love their Sugar Free Caramel Iced Latte and I treat myself to one whenever I can.  At the particular Wawa that we go to I have figured out that on Tuesdays and Thursdays there is a group home for mentally challenged persons to have an “outing” and they come to the Wawa.  For the most part every time I’ve ever seen them they’ve all be just all smiles and so happy to be on an outing.  They always say hi to everyone with the biggest smiles on their faces and when someone says hi back to them you can literally see them light up from inside their very soul.  Only once have I seen one having a “bad” day and was struggling to hold it together but that is to be expected.  If you have someone like that in your life (my son has Autism) then you know some days just don’t quite work for them.  That is the only time I’ve witnessed any of these beautiful souls not smiling.

Today my husband and I stopped in to get a coffee and as I walked by this young man he smiled so big and said “HI” to me all excitedly.   I of course smiled big right back at him and said ‘Hi to you”.  He just grinned.  It made  him happy to be seen.  About 20 seconds later a man was walking past him and side stepped to make sure he didn’t touch the sweet man as if maybe what he had was “contagious”.  The kind soul smiled and said “HI” to this asshole of a man who shrugged by him and purposely turning his head away so he wouldn’t make eye contact with him.  You could see this angels smile dull a little, but it didn’t stop him.  He turned and smiled at me then told another lady “HI” who said it back to him.  It took all I had to not chase that asshat down and throat punch him!  What would it have hurt for him to take 1 second of his pathetic life and tell this innocent loving soul “Hi”?  It wouldn’t have hurt him at all and it would have made someone else’s day.  Why do people in this day and age still treat these lovely souls like they are contagious and if they even look at them they will be cursed with the same disorders or extra chromosomes or diseases they have?  These people just want to be seen, accepted for who they are.. they just want to hear “hi” back.

Take a moment the next time you see someone like this and just admire their smile, their hope and love they have that shines brightly from them.  Take a moment and learn what true humanity is.  Don’t be a dick like the asshat today, say “hi” back if they say it to you.

Passive suicidal ideation


The other night I was watching a paranormal show (yes I watch them) and the lady on was discussing different things and she said “Passive Suicide” is when someone has thoughts of dying but would never do anything to hurt themselves.  I can’t explain the feelings that slammed into me when I heard this but it was like every light bulb came on at once and I wanted to scream out YES… THAT’S IT!  You see, if you follow my blog you know already that I suffer from Bipolar and all that entails.  I’m walking basket case that has learned how to somewhat keep it all together while in public but pretty much lose it when at home and especially when I’m alone.  Those hours between night and day or the worst.  I have anxiety disorder, anger displacement disorder, PTSD and Bipolar, I’m a blast at parties!  For the most part I deal with all of it with sarcasm and humor.  Even my therapist has told me more then once how hysterical I am and how she knows that the funnier I am being the worse off I am in my head.

Anyways, back to my original thought.  Sorry I shoulda added ADD in there to.  So apparently Passive Suicidal Ideation is when the thoughts of death go through the mind.  Like thinking “I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up”.  You’re in essence wishing to die but know you could never do something drastic like pulling the trigger or swallowing that bottle of pills.  I have these thoughts often, more often then I’ll ever admit to anyone.  Sometimes when I’m driving over a bridge or high over pass I’ll have a day dream of going over the side and smiling as I knew the pain would soon be over, but I never act on it.  I know too many would be so upset if I did so I put my mask of false bravado on and go through the motions of getting through the days.

Some days are better then others.  Not every day is bad, and not every day is a time of wishing for death.  Some days are all about living and watching those around you happy and healthy and enjoying life but being Bipolar means you never know when that mood will swing the other way.   When I’m manic I am on top of the world and everything is great. I’m full of energy and ready to take on the world, I’m 10 feet tall and bullet proof.  The problem is I also cannot sleep for days which means when the crash finally comes it’s one of epic proportion.  When I fall from the hilltop down into the valley there is literally nothing that can bring me out of it.  I have to ride the wave until that wave reaches the hilltop again.  During this time I find myself shrouded in the thoughts of death.  I stare at my endless supply of pills the doctors keep throwing at me for the many different ailments I have that they can’t figure out and fix so they just throw a band-aide on it in hopes that it’ll shut me up.  I have those day dreams of my car veering off the road and hitting a tree, or just going to sleep and having some kind of a massive heart attack and never waking up.  Anything to stop the hurting and the pain.  I thought I was the only one who had these thoughts, well not the only one I realize others with mental illness have these thoughts to but when I heard the name of it I was happy to know that it’s common enough that they named it.  I mean, I’m not happy that enough people suffer from it that they named it but happy that I’m not even crazier then I already think that I am.  Does that make sense?

Right now is a valley.  Last week was an escape from reality.  I was in NYC and there was no “normality” around me.  I got to be someone else for a few days which was fantastic, but now that I’m home and my family has gone home and life is back to normal reality has set in and it fucking sucks!  I’m stuck.  Literally stuck.  I can’t go anywhere or do anything because of financial reasons, I can’t get a job because of medical reasons, I can’t work on my book because of crappy equipment reasons, I can’t paint because I can’t afford the material to do so… you see… I’m stuck.  I get to watch TV.  I had planned on getting out and start walking and enjoying the sunshine and trying to help my hip but I had to have a Biopsy last Monday and they said “don’t get sweaty until this is healed up” so there goes that… stuck.  and I hate it.  So the thoughts are back.  The logical side of my brain realizes this is the mental illness talking but the illogical side of my brain is telling that logical side to shut the hell up and the anger and hatred and self loathing is taking over.  I hate being stuck, which makes me hate this life I live.. if that’s what you call what I do is living… I hate it all…and I want the pain to stop.. I want to disappear… just poof.. be gone.

I’m not writing this for your pity, I don’t want that.  I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want a “You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, you have it so much better then some” lectures.  I’m writing this to let people know and understand that mental illness isn’t always that person who goes on a shooting spree, or a serial killer, or even that really strange kid in high school that ended up committing suicide.  Mental Illness is me.. it’s the estimated 57.7 million people in the USA who manage to make it through every day without hurting anyone except themselves.  You may not know this or realize it but someone in your life, someone you are close to suffers from some form of mental illness.  You’ll never know until they either lose their handle on life or they ask for help before that happens because we are excellent at hiding it when we need to.

Even though there is still a debate on whether or not Passive suicidal thoughts are as dangerous as “real” suicidal thoughts I will tell you from personal experience that they are.  I know this because I have held the gun to my head and pulled the trigger (playing Russian Roulette) and I’ve taken the bottle of pills and had to have my stomach pumped.  If the thoughts are there, the thoughts on how to carry it out are there to.

“An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older or about one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. When applied to the 2004 U.S. Census residential population estimate for ages 18 and older, this figure translates to 57.7 million people.”








New York.. Oh how I loved thee!

Last week my best friend in the world treated me to 4 day of fun and an escape from reality.  She took me to New York City, the Big Apple.. the city that never sleeps.  Some place I have always dreamed of going, but believing I would never get to.  Last Monday we loaded the truck and headed off to have our adventure.  Our first stop along the way was in Philadelphia!  As her and I are true foodies, we had to decide for ourselves which had the better cheese steak sandwich, Pats or Geno’s.

Geno’s won hand’s down!   The bread was buttery and soft, the cheese gooey, the meat was tender.  Oh we enjoyed every single bite of them.  I even have a “grease” stain on my pants from where it drained through the paper towels!   Now that’s how you know it’s good!

After she navigated through those extremely tiny car filled claustrophobic one way streets we were back on the highway heading north… singing “In west Philadelphia born and raised.. on the playground is where I spent most of my days”…  C’mon now, y’all sing it with me.  You know the words.

After several hours we made it to our hotel in New Jersey and I have to say… omg what a dump.  We couldn’t help but laugh!  The beds were hard as the ground, the carpet was obviously the same carpet they put in when they built the hotel and it has NEVER been cleaned.  The outlet in the bathroom didn’t work which meant no hair dryer because that was bolted to the wall in the bathroom.  The toilet had those stains down the sides that you could tell were not hard water stains.  Yeah, it was bad, but that’s okay because we didn’t plan on being in the room much.  We got there later in the afternoon so we figured we’d save Manhattan for Tuesday and instead decided to head to Carlo’s Bakery in Hoboken New Jersey.  12923187_10153333752425870_2609251800372207978_n

If you ever get the chance to go to one of his shops… go!  The Lobster Claw is to die for!  We got Lobster Claws, Cookies, an Eclair (there were 3 of us), a Macaroon… And we gobbled every bit up!  Yeah, we are greedy.  We spent the evening in the room, enjoying our goodies and chatting.. the excitement growing for NYC the next day.  I was finally going to see the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island and who knew what else.

Tuesday morning found us up and on the way to Liberty State Park where we caught the Ferry to Ellis Island then over to the Statue of Liberty.


Words cannot do justice the emotions that come over you seeing lady liberty in all her glory in person.

Yup, that’s me with the New York Skyline behind me ( I have no clue who the rugrat is, he photo bombed my pic).  There was the Statue of Liberty.  I’d seen her a million times in movies and photos but never in person.  She is stunning!  Walking through the inside, seeing the different things inside, how she stands.. just amazing.  We didn’t have the crown pass so we only got to go to the platform.  After touring around we hopped on to the New York Ferry and headed over to NYC.  It was so cold, and so windy but that wasn’t going to stop us.  After a few minutes we were in New York.  I couldn’t believe it.  Me, standing in New York’s Financial District.  After a few moments of walking we saw the Raging Bull.  I wanted to get my picture with it but there was a very long line and frankly, it was cold and we didn’t want to wait.  We made our way up to the 9/11 Memorial.  You can feel the pain, the fear.  The tears fall no matter how hard you try to hold them in.  You find yourself hurting for thousands you never even knew.  Knowing so many are reposed behind a wall because they could not be identified is truly heartbreaking.

After seeing the memorial then the Museum we realized we needed to head towards the ferry to make our way back to the car, problem was it was now 7:30 and the water taxi’s stopped at 5:15.  Oh the fun we had trying to figure out the subway system to get us to the metro to take us to the Path Train so we could get on the light rail.  Then when we FINALLY make it to the train platform in Jersey… but our car is about 2 miles away!  AND WE ARE OFF.. 3 women in the dark trying to find our way to the park to get to the car before the park closes.  LOL.  My best friend has an oxygen tank but that did not stop her from almost out right running to make it on time!  Somehow she managed to get to the car in time and we headed back to the hotel.  By this time all we had to eat was Subway.. yes, we make it all the way to NY and we eat Subway.

The next morning we all get up and head back into the city!  This time parking at the train platform so we had until 11:59 pm to make our way back.  Plenty of time!  We decide to go uptown this day, check out the Museum section of the city.  Our first stop was the Guggenheim.  If that is your idea of “art” then I can honestly say I don’t understand you at all.  This museum was less then interesting to say.


After our pretty much run through of this waste of our time museum we decided to head up to the Met.  Now this is a Museum.  It’s absolutely stunning!  I wanted to spend days in it.  I could spend days in it.  I want to go back and see every single piece of art in there.  I stood in awe of some of the most amazing art pieces in the world.  Before we made it to the Met we stopped by Central Park to take a quick picture.  You can’t go to NYC and not at least see Central Park, right?  We didn’t go through it because there just wasn’t enough time to do it all.  Before we crossed over to the park my bestie made me try a New York Hot Dog…..


Now to understand this you must understand that I a) do not like Hot Dogs and b) am disgusted at the thought of hotdogs sitting around in nasty water all day long.. but when in Rome.. so here we are.. me holding it getting ready to try it.. and me trying very hard to not gag and throw it up… lol.  She made me eat that bite!  So gross.. she however enjoyed the rest of it.

12963396_10153333767915870_786553458625323806_n She loved it!  🙂


Off to Central Park…


Now the Met!  There’s no slowing down in NYC.. even for someone using a cane and someone with an oxygen tank.  Okay, so we walked slowly… but that doesn’t slow the city down.  This is so beautiful…


After the met we hopped on a bus and headed up to the Empire State Building.  WOW.. what a beautiful building.  When we got to the top one side was nice.. the other two were so cold!  The wind was blowing so hard you could almost be blown over.


After this we hopped on a subway and headed to Time Square.  This was everything I’ve ever imagined.  The lights, the smells, the sounds.. the PIZZA.. the people.. It’s everything TV has made it out to be. Famous Ray’s Pizza.. yeah.. I’m going back there one day!

Believe it or not… we ended up doing a mad dash to find the right train to make it back in time again..lol.  Making it back at 11:56 pm!  Three minutes to spare!  We laughed so much our stomachs hurt!  I had a true NY experience.  The only thing I didn’t see, was a NY rat.. you always see them on TV.  We didn’t see one!  We got in a pee soaked elevator, twice.  We had Pizza and  Hot Dog, saw the sights… but nope.. no rats.

Thursday had us exhausted and hardly able to walk!  Our feet hurt, our backs hurt.. everything hurt! Sleeping on those hard mattresses didn’t help at all.  We decided to just take our time going home instead of going back into the city then trying to find our way back home.  Of course we had to stop back by Carlo’s Bakery, ya know get some goodies for the road and some cupcakes for the kids.  We laughed and enjoyed our slow ride home..


TWINS!!!  She is my sister.. my best friend.. my soul mate (in friends).. I thank God for her every day… She’ll never know just how thankful I am for her.. for her friendship and her love… she’s my anchor when my waters are rough.. my sunshine when it rains…and my blanket when I’m cold.  I love her and.. I LOVE NEW YORK!!!  I can’t wait to get back!






Poltergeist Remake Review


So over a year ago my husband and I were at the theater when we saw a preview for the new Poltergeist movie coming out.  Oh I was so excited.  I kept thinking “Oh.. they better make an awesome clown scene.  With today’s special effects they could do Amazing things.    So we waited patiently for it to come out.  Finally… it was here.. We joyfully handed over our bazillion dollars for two tickets and some popcorn and drinks (soda for him, water for me) and settled in to watch it.  I was completely pissed off and disappointed when it was over.  They completely ruined their chance at greatness with this remake!  The clown scene was stupid, there was this tiny closet in the boy’s room filled with clowns but they never explained why.. yeah I was mad.

So today I’ve decided since it’s on demand for free I will watch it again to see if I’ve missed something.  I’m going to review it as it goes along.

Right out of the starting gate… the realtor is telling them the tree has been there longer then anything else in the neighborhood… it’s a weeping willow… UH NO.. the original tree was an oak.. A mighty oak with solid branches, at least that’s what kind it looks like to me.  I’ve been unable to find the exact kind online.  They only threw this line in there to make the “tree scene” understandable later on in the movie.  Also, it’s the middle child who has the “abilities”.. but the main point in the original is Carol Ann was born in the house and had the physic connection with the house.  If you aren’t going to somewhat follow the concept of the movie, then it shouldn’t be a “remake” but a “sequel”.

The little girl in the movie (kinda has the same eye’s as Carol Ann) does have some abilities, as she talks with unseen people.  They play with her to lure her and her brother in.  So they are using the littlest one to get to the middle child who has the abilities.  If you remember, Robbie (who is the middle child in the original) actual leaves to go stay with his grandma to get away from it because he’s terrified.  Also…. if it’s a remake, why do they all have different names?  I swear this should have been a sequel and not a remake.  The boy “Griffin” is laying in his bed when he hears some music playing.  He goes to investigate when he finds a hidden little cubby and pulls a string and all these clowns fall down.  Why?  Why were all those clowns hidden in there?  What’s the back story to that?  There is none.. they just threw those in there so they could have the clown scene later.  The dad,  “Eric” just tells the son “people collect weird things”… and son after a squirrel tears off out of the closet and around the room.

The whole concept of the original movie was the spirits wanted Carol Ann’s life force.  Carol Ann and her mother were sensitives, which is why they were affected and not the men (or the oldest sister).  This movie makes it seem as though it’s just a mean poltergeist trying to hurt them.. for no other reason then to hurt them.

The dad in this one… well he’s kind of an ass.  He’s not the fine upstanding family man that the original one was.

Now the dinner scene.. they are telling the family that back in the 90’s they had family that lived there and they wouldn’t go see them because of the whole “cemetery” thing.  They go on to explain that the builders moved the cemetery and built the houses.. and the Bowen’s tell them the realtor never mentioned it.  So wait.. is this a remake or a sequel?  If it’s a remake then they shouldn’t know the house was built on a cemetery.. but if it’s a sequel why was it billed as a remake?

Now had this been an original film.. it might have been pretty good… but this was a remake and in my opinion not a very good one. Yes they paid homage to the original in many different ways but there are just too many “put there on purpose” things to make you realize this is a remake.. because with out them you wouldn’t know.

Madison walks into the closet on her own accord to get her stuffed animal… that’s not how it’s supposed to be.  They take her to get her life force, she doesn’t just offer it to them. The parents are very “calm” after they discover her in the TV, especially the father.  Remember I said he’s an ass.. I stand by that.

Now we get into the really stupid part of this remake.  They bring in the TV personality to “clean the house”.  In the original they are filming the process but for research purposes.  In this movie after they go to the college to get the help of the paranormal researchers (the mother went to that college, that’s how she knew to go there) the main researcher brings in her ex husband.. who happens to be a famous “ghosts hunter”.  Instead of the infamous steak and chicken scene followed by the face tearing off scene, this time we get the father vomiting worms and seeing black ooze coming out of his eye’s and nose in the reflection of the faucet.  Man.. they could have done some amazing effects w/ the whole face falling off scene… so disappointed.

I will say the closet scene where the jerk researcher almost had his head drilled into.. that was pretty cool.  He got what he deserved.

In this version, we actually see the girl (well her shadow) in the house.  It’s not just her voice through the TV.  Of course when the dad follows it upstairs, it’s not really her, it’s a scary demon like child that attacks him.

Now, when the “cleaner” comes in, Carrigan goes up to the room and opens the door… where were the flying toys?  Yeah yeah I know that they didn’t have to put every scene in but c’mon.. that was a classic scene.  Carrigan tells the family that he doesn’t think they did move the bodies when they moved the headstones.  That’s not how the family was supposed to find out.. bodies were supposed to pop up out of the ground!

When they start the process to getting Maddy back they give everyone a GPS tracker… umm how is that going to help if you go into purgatory?  I mean my GPS loses signal in the dead zone down the street from here.. how the hell are they going to get a signal there if I can’t get one in the middle of a huge city?  Then they decide to get the drone the father bought for the son, even though they are broke and he’s been out of work (I’ll touch on this more in a few minutes) into the closet.  Now how are they going to control the drone in another dimension?  I’m pretty sure the one’s you can buy at Target aren’t quite as good as the military ones.  I do like the special effects though when they are looking through the drone into purgatory.  That’s pretty cool.  As they are all fighting over who goes into get get Maddison, Griffin decides to go in.  He grabs the rope and in he goes.  The parents just stand there screaming.. oh hell no.. I’d have gone in after him.   Okay, when I saw this in the theater I thought maybe I missed a part.. maybe went to the bathroom or my kid called and I stepped out to answer the phone, but watching it again right now… nope.. I didn’t miss any part.  They messed up!  The scene where Eric tells Amy that everything is going to be alright and to go downstairs and wait at the rope, after she leaves he tells Carrigan this better work.  He tells Carrigan to tell them to let Maddy go since he can talk to them.  It shows Carrigan talking to them, telling them (into the closet) to let the child go, she’s done no harm.  Next they show Griffin in purgatory with Maddy who is telling him they will never let her go, it’s then we see the ghostly figures grabbing the rope and tearing at it.  It goes back to the bedroom where Eric and Carrigan are and the rope is coming out of the wall and Carrigan is laying on the floor beside Eric as if maybe the giant face from the original one jumped out and threw him backwards??? Except in this version, they don’t explain or show how he ended up on the floor behind and to the side of Eric when he was originally in front of Eric at the opening of the closet.  Good to know I didn’t go crazy there thinking I was just missing something.

Okay.. so the family gets out.. they are in the car getting ready to leave when the oldest daughter asks Carrigan to say the line “the house is clean”.. thats when the Maddy says the house isn’t clean… that they didn’t go into the light because she didn’t go into the light. The SUV they are in suddenly gets battered and flung upside down into the house.  The realize Maddy isn’t in the car when they see her on the floor where she’s picked up and flung upstairs.  The special effects fo the bodies coming out of the closet to get her are wickedly awesome.  Carrigan is outside telling the spirits to release their hold on the family.. makes me think of the Omen.  Carrigan admits to Brook (a researcher who happens to be his ex wife) that he’s tired of faking it for the camera’s and goes in to save the family.  Eric manages to get his family out when the window shuts on him.  AS the house is caving in on itself he see Carrigan in the house who tells Eric he has a job to do and evaporates into the closet.  They start to get into Brooks car to leave and that’s when the house explodes and the bodies start coming out of the ground and all hell starts breaking loose in the neighborhood.  As the researchers are looking the camera they see the GPS lighting up.

Now they are looking at a new house and the realtor says “There’s lots of closet space” when Maddy says “Our last closet ate me”.. as the realtor is talking about the house and mentions the tree she turns to see that the family is gone.

Okay, so let me touch on the part of the father like I said I would.  He’s been out of work for months since he was fired from the John Deere factory.  The mother is a stay at home mom (writer who says she isn’t writing) and they have no income coming in. He goes to the store to buy stuff to make squirrel traps where 2 credit cards are over the limit before the third one finally works.  That day he comes home with a new phone for the teen daughter because hers fried (she blamed Griffin but you know it’s the poltergeist even though they never say it) and the drone for the boy and pizza for Madison and a Pandora Jewelry for the mom.  First off, how?  How did he afford to get all of this when he already had 2 credit cards that were maxed out and a third that barely worked for the squirrel traps.  Secondly, Why?  Why would anyone go on a shopping spree if you’re out of money and out of work?  I am currently not working due to medical reasons and my husband’s pay barely pays our bills after the court ordered alimony and child support comes out.  There are many times I’d like to just go buy my kids things, but a) I can’t because we have no credit and b) I wouldn’t even if we did have the credit because I think things like rent and electric and groceries are more important then phones, drones and jewelry!  That part made no sense to me.

The movie ends with Brook and Carrigan are now working together to film their show.

The original movie is supposedly haunted as many people were injured or died shortly after the making of it.  The role of Carol Ann was played by Heather O’Rouke who died at just 12 years old.

“When filming was completed in June, Heather and her family went on a road trip from Chicago, to New Orleans, to Orlando and all the way back to Lakeside where they lived at the time. Heather was well until January 31, 1988, Super Bowl Sunday. She was unable to keep anything in her stomach and crawled into bed with her parents that night, saying that she didn’t feel well. The next morning, February 1, sitting at the breakfast table, she couldn’t swallow her toast or Gatorade. Her mother noticed her fingers were blue and her hands were cold. Kathleen called the doctor’s and was getting ready to put her clothes on when Heather fainted on the kitchen floor. When the paramedics came in, Heather insisted that she was “really okay” and was worried about missing school that day. In the ambulance, Heather suffered cardiac arrest and died on the operating table at 2:43 p.m. at the tender age of 12. Of all her achievements, Heather was proudest of being elected student body president of her 5th grade class in 1985.”

The role of Dana Freeling was played by Dominique Dunne who was strangled to death by her boyfriend at the age of 22.

“Then, at a party she met John Thomas Sweeney, the chef at popular LA nightspot Ma Maison. The two began a relationship, which turned stormy. Sweeney was uncontrollable and abusive (so abusive that Dominique did not need makeup to play the role of an abuse victim on Hill Street Blues (1981)). Dominique ended the relationship on October 30, 1982. That same night, a distraught Sweeney raced to her house, where she and actor David Packer were rehearsing a scene from V: The Final Battle (1984), dragged her outside, and strangled her, leaving her brain dead. Five days later, she was removed from life support and died, cutting short a brilliant career and leaving behind scores of shocked and angry loved ones.”

This movie is really their legacy.  They both died so very young that they didn’t get a chance to make more of a mark in this world, which is very sad.  The original Poltergeist to this day still gets me, especially knowing so many died that were in it or in the making of it.  I feel this remake failed them and did not do justice to what could have been.

If you liked this remake.. I’m happy that you did.  My husband enjoyed it.  I however did not, and that’s my opinion that I have a right to.  I mainly wrote this for those who haven’t seen it yet to let them know about it.  I’m not saying don’t see it.. I”m just saying go in knowing its nowhere near as good as the original.  And on that note.. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY… PLEASE… STOP MAKING REMAKES.  They are now in the works of remaking “Dirty Dancing” “Roadhouse” “Ghostsbusters” (not the all female version, that’s a sequel) and I’ve heard maybe even Grease… really Hollywood… can’t you come up with any new ideas?   We see how well the remakes are doing, any body remember “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?”  (btw.. Charlie now plays Norman Bates on Bates Motel)…