Land of Confusion
I guess I should start with the definition of the word confused to make sense of what I’m going to write about. Webster defines it as a) being perplexed or disconcerted or b) disoriented with regard to one’s sense of time, place, or identity. My entire life has been closely regarded to the b definition of that word and it only seems to get worse with age. Most people talk about how with age comes clarity, but I’m not that lucky. For as long as I can remember I’ve been confused about so much, like why my dad had to die so young, why my mom had to work so hard and was always gone, why I never seem to fit in anywhere, why I was never happy deep inside even when I had no reason to be unhappy. My mind is so full of mazes and intricate questions and entangled thoughts that I sometimes fear if anyone ever saw them I would surely be institutionalized for my own safety, or the safety of others.
Lately I’ve had a very hard time dealing with some of these thoughts in my head. They seem to be taking over my mind, gaining control and refusing to relinquish that control for anything. I’m sitting here trying to write about the confusion and I can’t even figure out where to start, that’s how damn confused I am. It’s really rather annoying. I guess I’ll start by telling you all that I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and psychotherapist for the last few months to help me deal with my anger and depression and confusion. At first my psychiatrist diagnosed me as bi-polar but then my psychotherapist said she didn’t believe that was my true diagnosis. She believed that because of the trauma’s I’ve lived through that I really suffer from something called Anger displacement disorder and of course Anxiety disorder. I already knew about the anxieties as I’ve been suffering from them and panic attacks for about 25 yrs now, so that was nothing new to me. The anger displacement was new. She explained to me that it was because I never dealt with things from my past so now when something happens that has the slightest resemblance to something from my past that caused me any anger/unhappiness it will instantly trigger anger and I will throw that anger at the wrong person now. It’s my way of dealing with it and sadly the person who gets the anger is usually the closest person to me. And looking back it’s been that way my whole life. Right now it’s Rob, in the past it’s been ex lovers that I cared deeply for, close friends and family members. I’ve pushed them most all of them away at some point because of it, I watched myself do it. Those few that stuck with me did so until the end of their lives however there are a couple that are still here… holding on tight knowing how much I love them and need them, but also knowing that I never feel or felt worthy of their love and devotion.
Last week my psychiatrist told me that my anxieties and anger have not gotten any better since she first saw me at the beginning of the year, that in fact they seem worse. She went over the list we made of things that were upsetting me back in January that I specifically said were causing my anger and anxieties. My weight being so high was number 1 on my list followed very closely by the fact that I was out of a job and had been for months and that Rob was fixing to retire and had not even started looking for a job even though I had told him too and I knew he’d be out of work for months. She said look Shannon, it’s 6 months later, your weight is over 60lbs lighter, you’ve had a job making great money for over 3 months and now your husband has a start date finally for his job and your more angry and more anxious then ever! CONFUSION BIG TIME. I sat there dumb founded and crying. She was right. How was that possible? The 2 biggest things or at least the 2 biggest things I thought were in my life that changed so much for the positive had no positive effect for me. WTH was going on in my messed up head? Am I really this crazy? See, more entangled questions!!! She asked me why I was so angry at Rob. I told her several things, mainly because of the broken promises that I know are out of his control but still. She said so it makes you feel unworthy of those things he promised you. Yes, it does. It makes me feel like every other man has made me feel, like it was all lies just to get what they wanted. I know in my heart Rob is different. I know he loves me and I know he desperately wants to give me all those things and it makes me feel like a materialistic spoiled horrible person to feel this way but I can’t help it, it’s how I feel. So she asks what is it you want to do now. I want to leave, like I’ve always done.
Then she starts pointing out things like, by Rob not fulfilling his promises he’s in essence abandoning me and leaving me to take care of myself, kind of like my dad did. WHOA… HOW THE HELL DID SHE GET THERE FROM HERE? Wait, what? Back up lady, CONFUSION AGAIN. She tells me that I’m angry because my dad left me, that that’s what’s started all of it. NO I’m not. I don’t remember him, how can I be angry at someone I don’t remember? I had a great mom and a great childhood with great siblings (at least then, one of them has lost her damn mind since then). Yeah, I was always sad inside, but I really don’t think it was at the loss of a father I hardly remembered. I honestly think if it was at anything it was because I was missing my mother who had to work so hard and it was because I lived in fear of her dying, not because he died. Am I wrong about that? I just don’t know anymore.
Here’s where the confusion really gets me. Is she right? I mean up until Rob my track record in men has been horrible. I always dated older men, some much much older. Was I looking for the daddy I never had? Most were mean and some were viciously mean. Was that because I never had a proper male role model, or am I just one of those crazy chicks who like bad boys? Why did I and do I always feel so unworthy? Was it because my dad left so suddenly leaving me to feel that because I didn’t have a dad growing up I didn’t deserve anything? How does a person get past all this and stop blaming the new people in their lives, especially when they mess up?
So now you’ve all had a peak into my head and just a little bit of what I think about on a daily basis. Trust me when I say this is just a small tidbit. Now you why sometimes my statuses get down or angry or why I’ll post I didn’t sleep… I never get to shut my brain down.. ever and it’s annoying. I’ve always said that silence is deafening to me and the other day my son said to me “I hate it when it’s silent, I can’t handle it”… oh great, I’m raising another crazy person! I guess I should have known, if I live in the land of confusion then there was no way I could have raised kids without at least one of them visiting there!