Yeah.. I really am this crazy…

Have you ever heard a song that made you stop in your tracks with a memory of a different time and place?  Did it make you sad, or happy?  Maybe not a song, maybe a sight, or a conversation with someone, a sound, a smell?  Now imagine if you will, these things triggering almost uncontrollable anger at times, more often then not.  Anger that makes you shake inside, cry on the outside, want to make the people closest to you hurt just because you are hurting so badly. Anger that makes you want to say “Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry,” and mean it knowing full well your about to morph into some psychotic green animal that’s going to pummel them into oblivion.  It’s not their fault that your angry, but something they said or did triggered a memory of something someone in your past did to hurt you so.  This is called “Anger Displacement Disorder” and I have it.  Oh and it sucks.  It’s an emotional roller coaster that is physically and mentally draining.  Some days it feels like it’s sucking the life right out of me.  

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Some times when an episode hits me it makes my heart hurt so badly that I honestly believe that death would be better then life.  It is very hard to go from perfectly content and happy to mind boggling angry in mere seconds.  To be depressed already at life and then to have something trigger a memory that’s now got you so depressed and angry that you want to shut yourself off from your husband, your wife, your kids, your friends, your family… everyone.  It’s a disorder that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, well wait.. yeah maybe her.. but that’d be it!  It’s debilitating to try to conceal the anguish your going through and put on your “I’m ok” face and go to work, school, wherever and hold your temper and your tears in when all you want to do is fall to the floor in a crumpled mess and cry, while praying that this you finally get absorbed into the floor to disappear forever.  No more pain, no more anger, just peace.  Peace.. that’s a word that I don’t think I’ll ever fully know the meaning.   I mean, I know the Websters Dictionary meaning of the word, but for my own personal knowledge, I’ve never known it.   

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Maybe I should tell you a few things that’s happened to me in my past for you to understand why I suffer the way I do.  The first thing that happened to me would be my fathers untimely death.  He was 32, I was 6.  He was murdered, even though no one was ever held accountable for his death.  Because of his death it led to the next thing, my mom always working, hardly ever home.  My brother and sisters really raised me.  I don’t blame my mom for not being there.  She had no choice, she had 4 kids ages 6-13 to feed and clothe and put a roof over our heads.  She was awesome and I loved her dearly.  I put her on a pedestal so high that no one would ever be able to get anywhere near where she resided in my heart.  Which led up to another tragedy for me.  Her untimely death at 56, I was 29.  Cancer claimed her.  This woman who I thought was the strongest woman in the world was defeated by a damn disease.  She was my protector, my strength, my love, the essence of what made me me.  After my first husband beat me and raped me (that last part she never knew about) she was there for me.  She helped me move my stuff out of our apartment and even tried to run him over with her car! God I loved her.

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 That was another tragedy that I never dealt with.  My first husband was pure evil.  I refer to him as Satan.  My second husband wasn’t any better.  He was always kind of mean but he was a verbal and mental abuser, until his accident in 2002. He was never the same after that.  His most favorite thing to do to me EVERY SINGLE TIME HE WALKED BY ME would be pinch my nipples then tell me “You should be THANKFUL that I even still find you attractive”!   For the last 3 yrs of our marriage I lived in fear of being murdered in my sleep, my kids being tortured and abused.  He’s one who really messed me up.  After I left him and found my strength to stand on my own I started seeing how little things would really just blow me up!  If people gave me a one word answer I would be angry.  If they touched any part of my body without my permission I would have to resist the urge to beat the hell out of them.

It wasn’t until 3 yrs after I left my second husband and one misdiagnosis of being Bi-polar did I hear the term “Anger Displacement Disorder”.  And when my therapist explained to me with everything I’ve lived through and never dealt with is now resurfacing with anger, it made sense.  She’s doing everything she can to help me deal with it, to find my triggers and to take a minute and breath and actually think about whats got me so upset.  Is it really my current husband (who usually gets the brunt of my anger) or that innocent person who doesn’t realize they just touched my shoulder without my permission or is it a memory of something that happened in the past?   It’s a learning process for me.  I  now paint, write this blog and short stories/books/poetry, exercise or whatever I have to do to bring my anger level down.  I suffer from chest pains and anxiety.  I’ll probably die young myself from a heart attack, I know this.  That is why I’m working on learning to control my anger.  I hope that one day I’ll get the hang of it and be able to get over all that has happened.  Until then, I get to write about my rants, my paranormal experiences and anything else I want for you to read.. 🙂

I figured I’d tell you all about this so you’d understand me a little better.  And maybe someone who has the same problems will read this and know they are not alone, because feeling like you are the only one in the world who has this issue really does make you feel like your alone.  Even in a room full of family and friends.

 

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I’m sure this is EXACTLY how my husband feels about me!  I actually giggled when I saw this and I’m going to post it on my FB page.  It is a conversation we have had.. lol

 

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4 thoughts on “Yeah.. I really am this crazy…

  1. Again very well written. I think it is good to get these things out. Not just for yourself but others who have the same issues. As frustrating as it may be at times even for myself, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here to help you through to the end. On a final note I loved the pictures and the last one is definitely a conversation we have had many times.

  2. Pingback: You made me do it you fool! « HOW TO MAN UP

  3. Pingback: the common roots of anguish, angst, anxiety, anger, and arrogance « power of language blog: partnering with reality by JR Fibonacci

  4. Pingback: You made me do it you fool!

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