The trouble with me, is, well me of course!
I’ve read and heard over and over again, how can someone love anyone if they don’t love themselves first? Easily. I do it everyday of my life. I love my children so much sometimes my heart hurts from it. I love my husband, my family and my friends, hell some of my friends more then family. I love my cats, my few pieces of jewelry that hold sentimental value, things with no value at all to anyone but me. The one thing I don’t love is me, and I don’t know why. I’m not a bad person; in fact I’m really a good person. I help others when I can, I donate to the food bank, and I’m always dropping my change into any little box or can on counter tops. I don’t purposely set out to hurt people, in all honesty I go out of my way to make sure people and their feelings aren’t hurt. This gets me hurt all the time because people don’t seem to care if they hurt my feelings or me.
Last night when I got home Rob and I got into it. About money of course, what else would we fight about? It’s always about money, or the lack there of. He was getting more and more upset with me because I won’t ever put myself first, and rarely spend money on myself. I buy the majority of my clothes from the thrift store, or from them cheap stores where shirts are like $5. My purse is over a year old and looking raggedy, my tennis shoe’s are almost 2 yrs old, you get the point. I was getting my nails done (against my wishes I might add) but Rob bought me a gift certificate for them a few months ago and my therapist said it would be good for me to do it because a) it would make Rob feel good that he was doing something for me and b) I would be doing something for myself. A little piece of me died every time I had to pay to get them re-done. Well yesterday 3 of them popped off and I got mad because we can’t really afford for me to get them done again until the first. (this is where the argument came into play) I told him if I couldn’t get them done whenever they needed to be done and had to wait til paycheck days and they are popping off in between then I was never going to do them again. It hurts when they come off!! Well he got angry saying we had the money and I needed to do something for myself on occasion. After a 30 minute fight he left to go to work, I laid down and cried for another half hour. While the tears started falling the anxiety started rising and the thoughts started going on in my head… I’m not worthy of being top. I’m not worthy of a nice house, a nice car, a nice anything! I wasn’t blessed with kids that are the sports jocks, the geniuses, the top of everything they do. I was blessed with a child with mental health issues, and another one who thinks she is the princess like we call her.. (and I want her to continue thinking that because I never want her to feel like I do). I wasn’t blessed with a tight nit family, most of my family deserted me after my mom died, except a few.. I wasn’t blessed with beauty queen looks, big boobs, small waist or big butt. I’m average from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.. and honestly the feet are a lil below average as I have funky bent toes. Everytime I’ve ever tried to put myself first, something has always happened to knock me down hard. I tell Rob all the time, if you kick a dog enough times, well that dog’s gonna stop coming around you. Life’s kicked me down enough that I know where I stand in it, and that would not be on top.
I once had a chance to have more, be more. I said no to it, to the lifestyle to all of it simply because I didn’t feel equal to that life, like I wouldn’t fit in. There’s hindsight now on that one! D’oh. But I know that even if I would have said yes, it wouldn’t have worked. Why? Because I already said it, I don’t love myself. I don’t feel worthy of that. I don’t know if I ever will. Maybe this stems from years of mental and physical abuse, maybe from not having a father figure in my life growing up, maybe from the mean kids calling me fat as a child. Who the hell knows? All I know is that it’s embedded in my brain and I don’t know how to make it change. I go to a therapist, but she’s having trouble getting to the cause of it all. As I laid there crying last night I had a million thoughts go through my head. With all I’ve accomplished over the last 3 yrs alone, I still don’t feel like I’ve done anything. My therapist even said I’ll never be happy with myself, I’ll always challenge even more. I went back to school, got my degree. Am I happy? No, I’m $22 thousand dollars in debt for it. I jumped through major hoops to have surgery that has helped me to be a full 100lbs lighter then I was this time last year! Am I proud of myself? No! Why, I’m stuck between 150 and 154, I can’t get anymore weight off and I feel fat. I married the love of my life, my soul mate. Am I happy that I found him when some never do? No! Why? Because of life and circumstances out of both our control (and some in his) I am deeper in debt then I’ve ever been and getting deeper everyday. I went from a house to a decent apartment (although haunted) to a small 1 bedroom and now to a ghetto place. I’ve pawned my jewelry, almost lost my car (Thank you Linda Sonnier for saving me in my time of need)! I’ve had credit cards go and now can’t get a loan for anything because my credit score is so low.
When you can’t love yourself, or even like yourself you can’t truly be happy. And even though I’m here for everyone when they need an ear to listen too, or a shoulder to cry on.. I find myself scrambling for people to talk too. I am lucky to have a few, and trust me I thank God for ya’ll all the time.. you know who you are! I’d have more but most people try to tell me “Well it’s not that bad, you have the love of a good man”… well love doesn’t pay your bills, doesn’t feed your kids, doesn’t give you a sense of security. All it does is give you a warm tingly feeling.
I guess my point to all of this (other then I’m losing my grip on life) is it is possible to love others when you don’t love yourself. Thanks for letting me vent some.