We all have the desire to be “accepted” by society, to be considered attractive instead of a chastised and judged because you don’t fit societies standards of what beautiful is. The question in my mind today is, how much is too much when it comes to the price of beauty? People spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to make their faces perfect, often with weird side effects… Mickey Rouke comes to mind… or the cat lady…
Heavy people have drastic surgeries that literally cut their stomachs into 3oz pouches to help them lose weight for health and beauty reasons, which is what I did. You can get fat sucked right out of your body by a straw and even have replaced in places to make them look better, like your butt or your breasts. Oh and don’t even get me started on breast.. all I can think of is that one picture of that woman who had two beach balls on her chest and looked like she was falling over from the weight! Notice how she’s holding the window to maintain her balance..
When is it too much? When do we finally accept who we are, or do we ever? Yesterday I went to a plastic surgeon to discuss having my “apron” removed. An apron is the excess skin that is left behind when you lose a lot of weight. I also now literally have no cushion on my ass and sit on my tailbone directly. It’s very painful and there are several things I really can’t do anymore because of it. I can’t take baths because it hurts to sit on the hard tub floor, I can’t do sit-ups because I roll on the tailbone, I can’t just sit up in bed. I have to roll to my side then sit up on my hip, which has arthritis in it so that puts unneeded stress on it.
The visit was quick and humiliating. I had to undress and put on a gown. I at least got to leave on my bra and panties, but had to pull the panties down, way down. The surgeon grabbed the extra skin and pulled and stretched and had me turn around and he did the same. Then the photo’s started. I fat chicks worst nightmare, having pictures taken naked and actually zooming in on the flaws. It reminded me of the rape kits pictures. No room in either to cater to the feelings of the victim/patient. This time though, I signed up for it willingly. After the pictures were taken and I was allowed to put my clothes back on (I was shivering it was so cold in there) the Dr. came back in with the nurse to discuss everything and answer my questions. He explained the surgeries I would need to remove the skin and to get rid of what my other surgeon had thought was a tumor but is in fact more scar tissue that is literally pulling the scar it’s under down into the body causing the pain. He said he would put in for insurance to cover the entire thing as I have several medical issues’ resulting from the excess skin, or in the case of my ass, the lack of! He tells me it’s a 7-hour surgery and requires 4 to 6 weeks of down time. Absolutely NO working during healing time whatsoever, it’s strictly recoup time.
So this has my mind reeling. I know I need the surgery but if y’all know me you know I can’t be out of work for 4 to 6 weeks. That only will send my anxieties through the roof! Plus, the whole 7-hour surgery has me kind of freaking out too. That’s a very long time to be under anesthesia. Is the price of finally being happy with myself, my body worth this much in the long run? I know I still won’t be 100% satisfied as I want my breast done (I lost them w/ the weight too) and that’s about $8000 that insurance won’t cover at all! When is it enough, or too much? Why can’t we be happy with who we are? Why do models have to weigh as much as a small child and have a body that looks like a toothpick to be considered beautiful? My husband has told me since he met me that I was beautiful and he showed me everyday how much he thought so. And that was when I was 250lbs +. I’m a hundred pounds lighter now and he still tells me I am but I still don’t believe him or feel it. I guess after a lifetime of being told I was fat and repulsive it’s just easier to accept those negative things about me then the positive. I pray that God lets me get to a place where I’ll be satisfied with how I look and not worry so much about it anymore.