Happy Birthday sis..

Today is my sister Michelle’s birthday.  She is an amazing woman who has been through so much in her life.  She has 2 boys and 2 stepdaughters and is now raising her 2 grandchildren.  She’s worked hard her entire life, never taking for herself but always giving to those she loves. 

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When I think of how family should be, I think of her.  She’s always there for any one of us no questions asked.  Recently I had surgery and had some complications from it.  When I spoke to her on the phone she was ready to jump in her truck, get to the airport and fly up here just to sit by my bedside, not even concerning herself with the cost of the ticket, or how she would handle the backlash of it all.  She just wanted to be there, beside me in my moment of need.  She’s always been accepting of me, however I wanted to be, of my friends, whoever they were and of any man or woman (if I would have so chosen) to date then marry.  She’s let me call and complain about my husband(s) and children always understanding, never telling me that I need to drop the man or tear the kid up.  She was always just an unbiased ear for me to cry into; yell into whatever I needed to do to feel better.

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(That’s her, the strawberry blonde one holding me)

I have so many fond memories of her growing up.  She was my protector, my teacher, my babysitter, and my friend.  I’m sure we had our fights, but honestly I don’t remember any.  I remember looking up to her and her somewhat wild ways, her independence, everything that made her her and wanting to be like her. 

So today I want to say Happy Birthday to my sister Michelle, and to thank her for always being my family, always being there for me even when others turned their backs on me.  Thank you dear sister.  I’m so thankful that God chose you to be my sister; he couldn’t have chosen a better one for me!  I love you.

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Daydreams

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Memories floating by like

Dandelion seeds blown free

Seeing your smiling blue eyes

Feeling your arms blanket me

The feel of your lips

Dancing playfully on mine

Your breath warm on my neck

Sending chills down my spine

Fingertips tracing across my skin

Embellishing our desires

Filling us both with eroticism

Always fueling the fires

Sorrow fills my heart and soul

As the memory beings to fade

And reality steps in place

A great daydream it made

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Marriage and what it means to me now…

Marriage.  The Webster’s dictionary defines marriage as:

a (1) : the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law

(2) : the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage <same-sex marriage>

b : the mutual relation of married persons : wedlock c : the institution whereby individuals are joined in a marriage

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What has marriage meant to me in the past, present and future.  Ya know if you had asked me that question a few years ago, I wouldn’t have had a great answer for you.  Growing up I didn’t have a positive role model for a good marriage.  My dad was taken away from us at the very young age of 32, it’s strange to think I’ve been on this Earth longer then he was now.  My mom never re-married and always told us girls that we didn’t need a man to make us a woman or a ring on our finger to make us complete.  She wasn’t a man hater; she had a few boyfriends after his death and then a steady one for years, (who asked her to marry him many times but she always said no).  Maybe it was because she just missed my dad so much that she felt she would be betraying him if she remarried.  Maybe it was because their marriage wasn’t perfect and it turned her against the thought of being legally bound to another man, I don’t know.  I do remember hearing and seeing them fight, a lot even though I was only 6 when he died.  I guess that made an impression on me because I’ve never thought of marriage as a “lifelong” institution.

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When I married my first husband, on the day of my wedding when my brother and I were standing in the front hall waiting for the cue to walk down the isle my brother Carl told me “You don’t have to do this brat, there’s your car right there we can make a run for it” and to be honest, my first thought was to run.  My second thought however won out.  It was “Well, if it is too bad I can always get a divorce”.  How sad is that?  That is what my thought was on the day I married that loser?  I knew going in it wasn’t going to last, but I did it anyways.  A part of me wanted to be his wife forever, but the bigger part of me (that would be my brain) knew a man like him would never be able to treat me like I wanted, stay faithful to me like I wanted or just be decent towards me.  I was addicted to him, like a drug.  And like all drug addicts, it came back to slap me hard, literally and figuratively.

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(This is your brains on drugs) Remember that commercial?

When I married my second husband I truly did settle.  I told myself all the time, “at least he doesn’t hit me”.  I figured that was a plus.  He was also a hard worker, and did what he could to support us.  That’s the nicest thing I can say about him.  In the back of my mind however I always thought, there’s always divorce.  If it gets to bad you don’t have to stay, you’ve divorced once you can do it again.  It took me 11 yrs to get out of that hell but I did.  It took an additional 2 yrs to divorce thanks to the very backwater thinking legal system of Texas.  I had sworn I would never marry again, simply because I didn’t want to divorce again.

Well, if you follow my blog then you know that I am again married.    I recently celebrated my 3rd anniversary with my husband and I won’t lie, this road has been hard as hell.  We have been thrown more curve balls and crap then I thought possible for two people to have.  Between his ex (a huge factor in our fighting) and my ex (who thankfully now seems to have just vanished) and our financial situation which has lead to a lot of broken promises we have thrown the D word around more then once.  Well, I have thrown it around, he has not.  He tells me all the time he wants to grow old with me, to raise our combined kids and become grandparents together and live to be 132, him being 131 because he’s a year younger then me.  It’s taken me a few years to realize that he is different.  If I say I’m bolting because I’m tired of the crap and fighting and his ex wife, he doesn’t just let me walk away.  He talks to me, not at me.  He lets me know that he’s not going anywhere and he really doesn’t want me to go anywhere.  It’s hard to change your way of thinking, especially if you’ve thought this way for as many years as I have.  But it can be done with time and patience and a gentle loving slap across the head (figuratively speaking of course).

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So now when I think of marriage I think of “til death do us part”.   When some man hits on me, my first thought isn’t “Wow, this guy likes me” it’s “My husband wouldn’t like this at all”.  When I’m at my breaking point with the world and I just want to throw the towel in I ask myself “If you did divorce him, where would you be?” and my answer is always “Without your best friend”.  It makes a world of difference when you marry your friend, your lover, and your soul mate.  I pray that all of our kids can find the kind of love we have.  I tell my daughter all the time though, you can love a rich man just as easily as a poor man”.. I mean why not try to help her have an easier life then I have?  I thank God for sending my soul mate to me at a time I needed him more then ever, before my heart hardened to the point I’d never love again.  And to my loving husband Robert.  I love you more today then I did yesterday, and I’ll love you more tomorrow then I do today.  Thank you for staying with me, for not letting me self destruct yet again and for always loving me.  I love you.

Send in the Clowns….

Clowns are not EVIL

My husband Robert wrote a blog the other day all about the evil that clowns are.  Here’s the link to his blog about them if you want to read it.

http://radaronelson.wordpress.com/2012/05/26/clowns/

Now keep in mind that he is the same person who is actually excited about the possibility of a zombie apocalypse and owns hundreds of horror and zombie movies.  So much so that for our 3rd anniversary I bought him a blu-ray player and like 6 or 7 zombie movies and he was excited at that gift.  Yes, I know I’m married to a strange duck.

Now back to the subject of clowns.  I happen to love clowns.  I have since I first saw them at Circus World inFlorida way back in the mid to late 70’s.  It was my favorite place to go.  Screw that over priced Disney World, no I wanted to go to Circus World, ride the rides, ride the Elephant, see the 3-Ring show complete with the ring leader and trapeze ladies fly through the air, the circus peanuts those yummy orange gooey concoctions and of course the clowns.

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They are not scary, evil or mean.  They just want to make you smile.  Rodeo clowns put their lives on the line to save the rider from the bull.  How is that evil?  It isn’t.  Hollywood did what it always does, it took something harmless and pure and honest and turned it into a knife wielding crazed psychotic killer intent on scaring little children, and apparently some adults too.

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(my personal collection from the 80’s.  Do they look mean to you?  Do they look like they are going to come to life and kill anyone? I think not)

I started collecting clowns in the 80’s.  It was something I enjoyed doing but had to give up because everyone who knew me was buying me clowns and I was becoming over run from them.  My most prized clown is the Emmet Kelly my mom bought for me.  It still sits on my dresser, beside a little trinket clown she got me.  My clowns have never come to life, grew long arms, dragged me under my bed intent on killing me, or lived in a sewer killing me or my young friends.  When they pile out of their little car, there is no gateway to hell inside, they are climbing through the other side, you just don’t see that because they are professionals at what they do.  Sorry, they just aren’t evil. Hollywood on the other hand is!  And they should be ashamed at what they did to the beloved clown!

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So I will leave you all with this thought tonight.. when you think of a clown, think of a happy one holding a balloon and funny face, not what Hollywood wants you too.  And when your feeling down and sad, “Send in the clowns”.

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Oh yeah.. better watch out.. he looks really scary!

God’s taking the trash out of my life…

Today I had someone on my Facebook page delete me.  I thought he was a friend.  I mean we went to high school together, and although we weren’t friends then we were becoming friends on Facebook.  We had fun banter that went back and forth every day.  I looked forward too it, especially when I was at work.  He would make me laugh so it took me completely by surprise when he deleted me today after I made a comment to him.  My comment wasn’t angry or mean, just that I didn’t like being called sweetheart (even my husband doesn’t call me that name) and he didn’t need to explain anything to me.  I figured he’d just laugh about it, think oh I riled her up and then move on, but no, he deleted me.  I’ve since blocked him because I don’t play those kinds of emotional games with people, I don’t delete then ask for permission to come back.  I’m not a fair-weather friend; I’m there for you through thick or thin, always.  I’m also not a trusting person so if you break my trust; 9 times out of 10 the person who does break it will never get it back. 

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Now I’m sitting here fighting with my own emotions.  Why does it hurt me so badly when people who aren’t a part of my everyday “real” life, even people I’ve never even met in the past delete me?  Is it just that constant drive of wanting to be accepted?  Is it really the rejection of it all?  What causes me to sit and fret or think or worry about when people turn their back on me?  My own sister, my flesh and blood turned on me after our mother died and sometimes when someone new does it, it hurts just as badly for me.  People have always said I was so tough, so strong and independent, but I’m really not.   I want to be accepted just as much as the next guy does.  I want to be loved and know that my friends will always be there for me, but I know that’s asking too much.  I guess in today’s instant gratification world it’s easier just throw people away when you tire of them rather then actually maintain a friendship.  I am lucky however, I do have several life long friends that I know are always there for me, no matter what and they will never leave me.  Heck, one of them has even said they’d come back and haunt me after death..lol. 

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I guess I need to look at it like this.  When one of these people delete me for whatever reason, it’s Gods way of taking the trash out of my life.

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