This is a true story that I posted on Dec 28, 2007. I hope you find it as hysterically funny as I did when it happened to me! Enjoy.
Ok so here it is.. The funniest thing that has happened to me in a very long time. It happened last night. Rob and I had been teasing and picking on each other for awhile while we were waiting on dinner to finish cooking. I had extremely cold hands at one point and thought.. hmmmmm I’d love to put them on his nipples……So I walk up to him.. with that look in my eye.. making him know I wanted to know I wanted to put my hands on him…I pull his shirt out and slide my hands up inside and put my icy hands on him…He jumps back to try to get away from the coldness..I laugh.. he laughs..it’s all good. Meanwhile, back in the kitchen sink is a ham that is thawing out for our supper saturday. He decides that he’s going to put his hands on the frozen ham and get them cold and try to do the same thing back to me. Well, I fight off his advances and knock his hands away before he can. We are both laughing at this point and having a ball just horse playing around with each other….
Becoming bothered by the fact he hasn’t gotten me back yet and not willing to be outdone he picks up the whole ham with all intentions of putting it on my back…. I duck down to avoid the unwanted frozen pork on me and in the process he bonks me on the head w/ the ham (or his knuckles, were still not sure but it’s funnier thinking its the ham). Well… me and my smart ass brain process the fact that we were just hit in the head with a frozen ham and the redneck jokes started going crazy in my head. Hundreds of them flooded my nerve endings faster then a speeding bullet. And the laughter begins. The more I thought about the jokes in my head the harder I laughed. I had managed to get out the fact that he hit me in the head but started laughing so hard I could no longer talk. I couldn’t breath, and the tears were running down my cheeks. Not to mention Shelby is there laughing at me laughing which is making me laugh even harder. By now my poor Robbie is starting to freak out by the laundry room door because he’s asking if I’m hurt because I’m crying but I am laughing so freaking hard I can’t even tell him I’m just laughing. He’s scared he has hurt me and the look on his face did not help stop my laughter. Yes I am sadistic.. I know this..
So after what seems an eternity I stop laughing enough that I can start to articulate what had me laughing. I reassured him that I was not hurt but in my head I had heard the 911 call for domestic abuse…”911, whats your emergency”…”Yes, help me.. My old man has assaulted me with a frozen ham”….and the laughter erupted from me yet again. Just the thought was too much, I couldn’t control myself. More tears started rolling. We managed to make it out to the patio where he finally realized I indeed was not hurt and started laughing with me. By now my stomach hurt so bad from laughing so hard I couldn’t stand it, but I couldn’t stand it.
Thats when Robbie jumps in and adds to the scenerio that is going on in my head.. “Well officer, she just started throwing frozen food at me. First the ham, then a pot roast, when she chunked the hot dogs I thought, fuck I need to go”….LMFAO.. by now the tears are rolling again and I added “I thought if the taters start comin at me I’m leavin”… we are both dying by now. This lead into a whole different convo on how my ex would say “See, I told ya’ll that Kevin was a bad man.”…. (he’s forgotten his name is Rob and now calls him Kevin which is hysterical in it’s own right)…”He’s so bad he beat her with a frozen ham”….and again.. the laughter bursts out of me. Finally the “You know your a redneck when” comments started, which kept the laughter going.
Here it is almost a full 24 hours later and I’m still giggling about being hit in the head by a frozen ham. To top it all off I ended up having a big asthma attack late last night, and poor Robbie… I started laughing again and he couldn’t figure out why until I tell him….. “First ya give me a concussion with a frozen ham, then ya try to kill me with wild vigorous sex that literally takes my breath away”…. me being sadistic like I am found that a whole lot funnier then he did, huh baby?…lol.. Anyways.. thats my tale of the attack of the frozen ham. It’s official.. I’m a redneck!!!!!!! LMFAO… I just had to pass this story on… hope it makes ya laugh half as hard as it did me and still does!!!! lol