Meeting my goal
All my life I’ve wanted to be able to run a 10 minute mile. That has been my ultimate fitness goal, but when you weigh 250+ lbs it’s an impossible goal. I would be lucky to get a mile done in less than 24 minutes. Over the last year I have lost more then 100 lbs and have been working hard on shaving time off of that clock. When I first started on the elliptical machine I could do about 45 seconds before my legs would burst into flames and become so shaky I could barely stand. I’d given up on being able to do that torture machine and figured I’d just stick to the treadmill. I mean after all I could walk for 30 minutes before I felt like dying.
Over the last few months I’ve been walking further and further plus adding short sprints into my regimen. I even walked 5.5 miles this past Saturday in 1 ½ hours. This past Tuesday I decided to try the elliptical again and to my surprise I wasn’t dying after 45 seconds. At 3 minutes I realized that I was still alive and not winded and there was a strong possibility that I could reach a mile in the 10 minute area. I started pushing myself harder and harder, however I did not make my 10 min mile. Instead I got it in 11:00 mins and I thought seriously that my lungs had imploded and my heart was going to stop at any second. I of course took a picture before I died so I could prove that I almost did it, and to prove the cause of my death.
Today I went in to the gym with nothing but determination. I was going to do a 10 min mile or I was going to die trying. TAKE NO PRISONERS!!!
So today I reached my ultimate fitness goal. I screamed out YES!! when I did it, getting me rather strange glances by the other people there, but screw them, this was my minute! My next goal is to do a 5K run/walk. There is one on July 29th that I wanted to do, however I have to get a tooth surgically removed close to that day and I’m just not sure I’ll be up to by then. I’m a big baby when it comes to mouth pain.
It’s been a few days since I posted a new blog, and for that I’m sorry. I’ve had a bit of writer’s block the last few days. I’ve been worrying and fretting over a meeting and dr’s appointment I had yesterday. I know, why worry, it’s going to be how it’s going to be no matter what, but that’s not me. I am a worrier. I have been since birth and some things just won’t change, and that is one of them.
I will say that yesterday was just one blow after another, but in the big scheme of things, nothing is really any different today then it was before those two meetings yesterday. We continue to fight the wolf in “Christians” clothing and seem to continue losing that battle. Well, I shouldn’t say lose, because honestly she will be brought to light. Just right now it’s taking us longer then we wanted it too to prove her lies and deceit. I personally keep getting knocked down when it comes to my health, even though I’m doing everything I can to be healthier. Even though it appears we are losing both battles, I will not give up fighting against either of them. That’s not who I am and that’s not how I was raised.
So to my friends and followers.. I will work on breaking this writers block and try to come up with something witty and comical for you.
While I was taking my daily (ok usually every other day) daily walk I thought more and more about my post last night, that whole learning to hate and now trying to learn to love and forgive. It made me think of the list I posted a few weeks ago about my 5 biggest pet peeves, and I thought why not make a list about something I love, ya know positive stuff. So here are my 5 most loved things (Excluding my children, husband and family and friends, those go without saying).
- Clean sheets on my bed and freshly shaved legs! My girls will understand this one. Nothing feels as good as slipping into a fresh clean bed with super soft legs and cushy pillows. Ahhh I could just drift of to dream land just thinking about it.
- Getting a really great pedicure. The last one I got (months ago sadly) was a Chocolate Rub one. OMG, it was simply the best thing ever. They took me to the VIP room (because I paid a little more for the Chocolate one) and gave me a plate full of wonderfully sweet fruit. There were strawberries, blueberries, oranges and grapes. A glass of water with lemon (because I can’t have the soda they offered), and got to work on my tootsie’s as the chair massager got to work on the knots in my back! She took her time massaging my feet and legs, in all spending a full hour on them. I thought it was over but to my delight since I paid for the extra package I got a 10 minute massage on my neck and shoulders. This woman’s hands were AMAZING. I wish I could afford to get an hour long massage from her, my neck felt so much better after just 10 mins, I could only imagine what an hour with her would make me feel like!
- Going out to dinner, someplace other then a fast food dive. I thoroughly enjoy being able to go someplace, sit down, have a nice conversation and not have to do anything. No cooking, no cleaning, no listening to kids saying “I don’t like this” or “how much of it do I have to eat?” Yup, going out and letting someone else do all the work and the kids getting what they want, that’s good enough to make it #3 on my list.
- This number had a tie. I just couldn’t pick one of them. The smell of fresh cut grass and fresh cut watermelon, they both kinda smell alike don’t they? Every time I smell either of these things I’m quickly transported back to my childhood inFlorida. I mean you gotta mow the grass down there every week in the summer and watermelon is just a staple food!
1. Drum roll please….. The number one thing on my list of things I love the most is… The sound of my children laughing, any child’s laughter will just tug at your heart strings but when it’s your own children just giggling away at something that has touched their funny bone…well you just can’t put into words the feelings that fill your heart.
Over the last 5 years my husband and I have had an extremely hard time. Since we first got together nothing went our way (even though all the signs were pointing for us to be together, every financial problem you could think of hit us). We had a long distance relationship, he lived here in Northern Virginia and I lived inSoutheast Texas. Every spare penny we had was spent on plane tickets so we could see each other every 4 to 6 weeks, occasionally having to wait 8 weeks. In the 2 years it took to get to finally marry him and move us across half the country we were broke! Add to the fact that I didn’t have a job right away and then lost the job I got 10 months after I got here only added to it. I won’t bore you with the specifics but he also has an ex wife that he’s locked into paying a fortune every month for 10 years, so that doesn’t help either.
Since we’ve been here we’ve been hit with so much financial difficulty and heart break that it’s made being together hard at times. I do love him with all of my heart but when you are constantly being told no, or telling your kids no and seeing others thrive on your hard work, it wears down on you. It makes you angry, really really angry, and with that anger comes hate. Eventually you will learn how to hate the person you love the most, I know because I’ve recently realized this is what I’ve done. I’ve learned to hate my husband.
Being so angry at so many things has blinded me to the good things he’s done and continues to do. Instead all I ever see are the things he hasn’t done or can’t do. Every time we have an argument I throw it in his face how he’s not kept so many of his promises to me, how we live in the ghetto (which we truly do) and so many more vile things that I’ve broken him down, something I should have never done. I carry around such disdain for his ex wife and the new current things she keeps doing trying to suck even more money out of us (and for the moment the State of Florida is buying her lies) that I let it sit and fester in my mind only to explode it out onto him. I hold him accountable for her wrong doings, simply because I can’t hold her accountable.
(trust me, she’s no Glenda)
Instead of lifting him up, letting him know how great of a husband he is, how many wonderful things he’s done for me and continues to try do I only remind him of what he hasn’t done. Instead of telling him how great it was that he stepped up and became a father to my children where their real father abandoned them, especially when one of them is special needs and requires so much more then “normal” children, I remind him of how because of him and his choices we can’t buy things for them or take them places or live in a place they feel secure in going outside to play. And for these things I’m truly truly sorry. No words will ever be able to repair the damage I have done; I only hope my future actions can.
I’m beginning to realize that harboring these feelings, and feeding into them everyday has really taught me how to hate this man who doesn’t deserve it. I’ve managed to take every problem we have and find a path back to him and one of the bad decisions he’s made to make it his fault. I’ve justified every bad thought of him, in turn adding to the lessons of how to hate. It’s a vicious cycle. You want to be happy; content even with life but the devil plays in your playground and is always whispering in your ear “it’s all his fault ya know”. Well no more, so get thee behind me Satan!
So now the real struggle begins. I have to change my way of thinking, about everything. I’ve learned to hate for so many years (even before him) so now I have to learn to love, and not just him but myself too. No one says anything worse about me then me, for I am my own worst enemy. I know it’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be something that is going to be very hard for me since I’ve been a worrier and unhappy most of my life. All I can say now is I’m tired. I’m forty years old and I’m so tired of being mad and unhappy. Half my life is over and I’ve wasted it on the devil. I’m going to try to rebuild what I’ve torn down and by doing that I’m going to have to start with the walls I’ve built up around myself. It’s time to let him back into my heart.
To my loving wonderful husband Robert, I am sorry for breaking you down so much that you now feel about yourself like you do. You work very hard to support us, you love us all and even in despite of me and my issues, you love me for who I am. Thank you. I only hope you can understand where I’ve been and learn to forgive me while I’m learning to forgive myself and letting go of some of this anger that has threatened to kill me.
I’ve mentioned before that I work with all men, and generally 90% of the students are men also, so it’s a common thing to hear some sexist remark on a daily basis. Today was no exception to this rule, the only difference was today’s was so severe I just had to share it with my readers! With it being 2012 I cannot believe that there are men who truly still think this way, but apparently they do.
One of my co-workers started up a conversation with me by saying “Ya know Shannon, I think you’re a great lady. You do a great job and I think the world of ya but your one of those women”. I knew before he even finished his sentiment what he was going to say. “And what I mean by that Shannon is you’re a strong willed woman,” as if there was a problem with that. I replied with “Well I was raised by a strong willed woman, and I’m glad I was.” This was his reply
(GASP.. how dare I be a free thinking strong minded woman)
“”Women were giving to man, not to be shared and not to lead, but to be beneath man for man is the head of the household and a good woman, a REAL woman would make her man feel like he is the leader, the protector, the bread winner and decision maker and in return he will give her a good time in bed”….
(Me Tarzan, you Jane… of course if this fine specimen was my husband… well nope.. not even then would I be a subserviant wife)
By now I’m biting my tongue to keep my mouth shut screaming.. SCREAMING.. “Consider the sourceShannon.. Consider the source”. You see if I show weakeness around them they hone in on it and drive me crazy with it. I figured if I said anything in real response and riled up he would say something similar to it everyday trying to rile me up. I did tell him that woman was created from Adam’s rib, at his side to be his equal, not from his foot for him to step on or from his ass for him to sh*t on us. He got puffed up and said “Don’t quote me the bible, I will quote it word for word to you”. I said I wasn’t quoting the bible just letting him know how it really was.
He then said “Well, no offense to you or your husband (I’m sure he’s a great guy) but I can tell that he is not the strong man you need. You need a man who will teach you your place and keep you in line, what do you have to say to that?”
I looked at him a second and then simply said “Well, Robert… I will have to say what I always say when I’m faced with such moronic views spewed out of out dated men’s mouths… CONSIDER THE SOURCE”. Dave burst out laughing and Robert was speechless for a moment. Which is how I like him!
My first husband was a “Conspiracy Theorist” in every aspect of those words. He was one of those people who would sit around and tell anyone who would listen about how the Government was out to get the people one way or another, always meaning the worst in everything they do. And of course that would be followed up by how they did everything to cover it up after whatever catastrophic event happened.
One of the big theories he had was how the USA never landed on the moon. He had all kinds of books and magazine articles to back up his claims. I can’t remember the names of the sources he spouted but it really did make complete sense that the Government did lie to us and in fact we never landed on the moon. The truth is, we were a good decade away from that technology when Russia came out and said “We will be on the moon by the end of the year”, then magically we were ready and boom, we beat Russia there. To convenient for his liking, and honestly, mine too. I will say that to this day I do have a hard time believing that we made it to the moon. There will always be doubt in my mind on this subject, but that’s not a bad thing when it comes to our Government, well any Government for that matter. Trust no-one and question everyone!
Now, this isn’t a blog really so much about that it’s more about the current husband and his annoyance at me when I tell our kids that we never did land on the moon, or when something on TV makes a reference to it I will say “That’s a lie, it never happened”. The funny thing about all of this is my husband served in the Air Force for 20 years and will never ever believe that we could have possibly been lied to about it. It just wouldn’t happen that way, I mean honestly, the government lie to the people? That’s UNHEARD OF I tell you. (I’m snickering as I type this..lol) I’ve argued this point with him more then once and he’s always just flabbergasted that I could possible believe that we really didn’t make it to the moon. He will say things like “There are pictures of our astronauts walking around” to which I reply “Um yeah, and from pictures we are to believe that Tom Hanks, Kevin Beacon and Bill Pullman all went into space too? Or maybe any number of actors who have had movies where they were in space have really been too, I mean since there is photographic evidence”. By his reasoning then I am correct right?
I find it truly funny when I get him so riled up over this one topic. How can someone believe in Area 51 (a government conspiracy and cover up) but not believe in the possibility that we never went to the moon? I guess it’s a pick and choose theory that he believes in?
You know I love you honey.. and you know I love to rile you up!