Learning to love after learning to hate..

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Over the last 5 years my husband and I have had an extremely hard time.  Since we first got together nothing went our way (even though all the signs were pointing for us to be together, every financial problem you could think of hit us).  We had a long distance relationship, he lived here in Northern Virginia and I lived inSoutheast Texas.  Every spare penny we had was spent on plane tickets so we could see each other every 4 to 6 weeks, occasionally having to wait 8 weeks.  In the 2 years it took to get to finally marry him and move us across half the country we were broke!  Add to the fact that I didn’t have a job right away and then lost the job I got 10 months after I got here only added to it.  I won’t bore you with the specifics but he also has an ex wife that he’s locked into paying a fortune every month for 10 years, so that doesn’t help either.

 

Since we’ve been here we’ve been hit with so much financial difficulty and heart break that it’s made being together hard at times.  I do love him with all of my heart but when you are constantly being told no, or telling your kids no and seeing others thrive on your hard work, it wears down on you.  It makes you angry, really really angry, and with that anger comes hate.  Eventually you will learn how to hate the person you love the most, I know because I’ve recently realized this is what I’ve done.  I’ve learned to hate my husband. 

 

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Being so angry at so many things has blinded me to the good things he’s done and continues to do.  Instead all I ever see are the things he hasn’t done or can’t do.   Every time we have an argument I throw it in his face how he’s not kept so many of his promises to me, how we live in the ghetto (which we truly do) and so many more vile things that I’ve broken him down, something I should have never done.  I carry around such disdain for his ex wife and the new current things she keeps doing trying to suck even more money out of us (and for the moment the State of Florida is buying her lies) that I let it sit and fester in my mind only to explode it out onto him.  I hold him accountable for her wrong doings, simply because I can’t hold her accountable. 

 

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(trust me, she’s no Glenda)

Instead of lifting him up, letting him know how great of a husband he is, how many wonderful things he’s done for me and continues to try do I only remind him of what he hasn’t done.  Instead of telling him how great it was that he stepped up and became a father to my children where their real father abandoned them, especially when one of them is special needs and requires so much more then “normal” children, I remind him of how because of him and his choices we can’t buy things for them or take them places or live in a place they feel secure in going outside to play.  And for these things I’m truly truly sorry.  No words will ever be able to repair the damage I have done; I only hope my future actions can.

 

I’m beginning to realize that harboring these feelings, and feeding into them everyday has really taught me how to hate this man who doesn’t deserve it.  I’ve managed to take every problem we have and find a path back to him and one of the bad decisions he’s made to make it his fault.  I’ve justified every bad thought of him, in turn adding to the lessons of how to hate.  It’s a vicious cycle.  You want to be happy; content even with life but the devil plays in your playground and is always whispering in your ear “it’s all his fault ya know”.   Well no more, so get thee behind me Satan!

 

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So now the real struggle begins.  I have to change my way of thinking, about everything.  I’ve learned to hate for so many years (even before him) so now I have to learn to love, and not just him but myself too.  No one says anything worse about me then me, for I am my own worst enemy.  I know it’s not going to be easy.  It’s going to be something that is going to be very hard for me since I’ve been a worrier and unhappy most of my life.  All I can say now is I’m tired.  I’m forty years old and I’m so tired of being mad and unhappy.  Half my life is over and I’ve wasted it on the devil.  I’m going to try to rebuild what I’ve torn down and by doing that I’m going to have to start with the walls I’ve built up around myself.  It’s time to let him back into my heart.

 

To my loving wonderful husband Robert, I am sorry for breaking you down so much that you now feel about yourself like you do.  You work very hard to support us, you love us all and even in despite of me and my issues, you love me for who I am.  Thank you.  I only hope you can understand where I’ve been and learn to forgive me while I’m learning to forgive myself and letting go of some of this anger that has threatened to kill me. 

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12 thoughts on “Learning to love after learning to hate..

  1. Baby, I love you and I always have and I personally don’t feel like there is anything to forgive. I don’t blame you for anything or for the things I am personally going through. I blame myself and others for that.

  2. Don’t stop writing – even if you decide not to blog in the future – continue to write. I can tell you from personal experience that it will help leech out the anger and negative feelings as well as put things into perspective; and be there for you to read over and over again to remind yourself of where you have been – where you are and who you have chosen to become.

    • I plan on writing for a very long time.. and soon I’m even going to get serious and get my book done! 🙂 Writing does help, so does my painting so I’m trying to find something to do when I hit those “dark” times.. you know the times that you really are just so angry you want to hurt anything that gets to close to you…

  3. I know all about the dark times as the anger always turns inward and every year from January – the middle of May I have to fight to not only keep the darkness at bay but to keep from taking my own life as well.

  4. Unvarnished honesty… Couldn’t have been easy to cut yourself open and bleed that anger out. I respect that you are trying to work through it. Many others wouldn’t… Would rather not face themselves and their demons and take accountability.

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