To Taboo for you

When I was a teenager I decided it would be a great idea if I dabbled in the dark arts for awhile, ya know because that’s always a good thing for someone who is a “sensitive” to do, NOT!  I didn’t realize that back then though, but thankfully my mother did, at least I hope it was her.  Anyways I decided to buy some Tarot Cards and a Ouija board.  I studied the cards and researched how they worked and tried to remember everything I could about them.  My mother found them and asked what I was doing with them and I told her I was interested in how they worked and wanted to learn and that I wanted to get a Ouija board too (I was a bit nervous about telling her I had already bought one just by the way she asked about the cards and i’m glad I didn’t).  “THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU WILL HAVE A OUIJA BOARD IN MY HOUSE YOUNG LADY, DO YOU HEAR ME?” was her response.  “Yes ma’am” I said as I prayed she wouldn’t search my room.  I didn’t understand why she didn’t want me to have one, I mean really Hasboro mass produced it so how dangerous could they be really?

I took my Ouija board and cards with me everywhere I went.  To my friend Lisa’s house for a Seance, to my boyfriend Vince’s house to try to contact our friend Gregg, and even dared to pull it out at home when my friends were over.  My bestie Nikki almost had a heartattack after we played around with it, and to this day she will not touch another one.  To calm her nerves I took my cross that I wore and placed it in some water and blessed the water to make it Holy so we could bless ourselves and the room.  LOL sorry, that just made me giggle thinking about it.  One night I even used it with my goody toe shoe’s sister Jodi (who is probably the one who told my mom I had it).  She tried to ask the spirits if I was a Virgin, damn nosey witch!  I pushed it to the “yes”, HAHAHAHA.

 

So one day I came home and decided I would try to use it by myself again.  I had tried a few times but nothing ever happened and I was determined to make it work this time.  I looked under my bed where I kept it and… it was not there.  Shit!  I checked the closet, the dresser drawers, my car… DAMN IT.  Where the hell was it?  I looked for that thing everywhere, I called all my friends to see if I had left it over at their house but nope.. no one knew where it was.  I so badly wanted to ask my mom if she threw it away but I couldn’t because then I’d be admitting I had the durn thing to begin with.  I managed to find my cards and didn’t lose them until 5 or 6 years later, but I never did find out what happened to that Ouija board.  I guess my mom threw it away, or Jodi did, or maybe it was a spirit…….

Hmm.. I wonder what I can tattoo next.. oh why not my___

Here in America I realize we are the land of excess.  We walk around with this feeling of entitlement to anything and everything and we want instant gratification on everything, even our food.  Honestly, how many times have you had to wait 1 or 2 minutes at a drive through and gotten mad because those 2 minutes was too long?  Uh huh, your guilty as charged, I know because we all are.

 

 

This country will sink its greedy teeth into something and decide that it is the hottest new whatever and everyone must have it.  Once something has become “trendy” it’s a free for all on that item.    Think of Christmas toys in the past that were trendy and the world went nuts for them.  The Tickle me Elmo craze a few years back, or better yet the Cabbage Patch Dolls back in the 80’s.  Once someone somewhere says “hey this new trend is trendy” it’s all over, everyone has to have it, gets it and then suddenly those things aren’t so special anymore.

 

If your wondering where I’m going with this.. I’ll tell you my friends.  For as long as I can remember I wanted a tattoo.  Even as a small child I loved looking at them and couldn’t wait to get one.  My mother, God rest her soul often told me she would disown me if I got one (even though I knew she wouldn’t) I respected her and did not get one, until she passed away.  HEY NOW.. DON’T JUDGE ME JUST BECAUSE I SIN DIFFERENTLY THEN YOU..lol.. besides, what she doesn’t know doesn’t hurt me.  So I got my first tattoo at 30 years old, the year after her death.  It’s nothing super special or have great meaning, it’s butterflies.  I got it because I liked it, I loved the colors and the design and I’ve always loved butterflies.  As the years have gone on I’ve gotten 4 more on various parts of my body.  All of them are small but sweet.  I’ve noticed how they started becoming more and more accepted in the work world, which is awesome by the way, but I’ve also noticed that everyone has one now.  I mean everyone.  You even see little old ladies sporting ink tramp stamps, it’s so strange to see.  But today my friends I saw something that just pushed it too far for me.  I had to stop and take a picture, and post it on Facebook, and write a quick blog about it.  You know we’ve taken it too far when you go into Walmart (yes, insert joke here) and see the following……

For those who have run out of places on their body to tattoo..

I smell sex and CHOCOLATE..

What exactly is it about Chocolate that makes it so good?  Why does it make everything taste better?   I had this conversation the other day with my husband about how it does indeed make EVERYTHING better  but he didn’t agree with me, he said that yes Chocolate was good but it was fine by itself and didn’t always make things better.  How can he think that?   I mean really, this little bean can turn pretty much anything into a delight.  They make Chocolate covered ants and crickets, and lets face it if those things weren’t covered in Chocolate I know damn well I’d never ever eat them.  Of course I won’t eat them anyways, even with all the Chocolate in the world on it, (some things really aren’t better with chocolate I guess. LOL)

Just pour it directly into my mouth please

Chocolate has so many wonderful components; it’s hard to find a place to start.  Oh wait, no it’s not.   Chocolate releases a chemical in the brain that is the same as having sex.   Chocolate contains both Serotonin and Phenylethylamine, which are scientifically proven to be mood-lifting hormones that are found naturally in the human brain.  So the next time a woman says “Chocolate to me is as good as sex”, men, she means it!  Maybe if your woman has said that you should up the game in the bedroom, in fact add some chocolate body paint to the romp.  Nothing like a chocolate covered orgasm!  Just thinking about it is turning me on.

Here.. let me lick that off your fingers…

Another beneficiary of chocolate is they have found a daily dose of dark chocolate is good for your blood pressure and can help in keeping it lowered.  Of course as with anything it is in moderation only, but still, if it’s gonna help my heart then I say GOD BLESS CHOCOLATE!

Your heart will thank you for the chocolate

Chocolate can just make a bad day good, a good day better and a great day awesome!  And like I was saying earlier, you can add chocolate to just about anything and it makes it better.  Chocolate and peanut butter (classic), chocolate and fruit (preferably strawberries but damn.. it goes on anything), chocolate covered nuts are simply amazing, chocolate in dinner, well sure, why not?  Don’t believe me, check this out.  http://www.recipe.com/saucy-chicken-with-garbanzo-beans/.

So for me, for today, since it is my birthday and all I’m going to eat CHOCOLATE.  I’m going to have some dark chocolate covered walnuts when I get home (I eat a couple of them everyday) and I think my husband is going to be baking me a chocolate cake so I’ll have a bite or two of it.  And if I’m really lucky he’ll bring some of that cake into the bedroom with us later.

gives the saying “Hungry eyes” a whole new meaning.. lol

Have a happy chocolate filled day my friends.

Thin-Crust Gluten-Free Pepperoni Pizza

Thin-Crust Gluten-Free Pepperoni Pizza

Prep: 20 min  Bake: 20 min

Makes 8 servings

1 ½ cups almond flour

¼ tsp. salt

¼ tsp. baking soda

1 egg

1 Tbsp. grapeseed or olive oil

¼ lb. Italian turkey sausage links, casings removed

1 medium onion, chopped

½ cup pizza sauce

1 garlic clove, minced

½ cup julienned roasted sweet red peppers

¼ cup sliced ripe olives

1 cup (4oz) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese

17 slices turkey pepperoni

 

1.  In a bowl, mix almond flour, salt and baking soda.  In another bowl, whisk egg and oil; stir into dry ingredients.  Press onto 12-in pizza pan coated with cooking spray; build up edge.  Bake at 350* degree’s for 8-10 minutes or until edges are lightly browned.

 

2.  In a large skillet, cook and stir sausage and onion over medium heat for 4-6 minutes or until sausage is no longer pink.  Spread pizza sauce over crust: sprinkle with garlic.  Top with sausage mixture, red peppers, olives, cheese and pepperoni.  Bake 18-20 minutes longer or until cheese melts.

 

Nutrition Facts:  1 slice equals 232 calories, 17 g fat (3 g saturated fat), 47 mg cholesterol, 481 mg sodium, 9 g carbohydrate, 3 g fiber, 13 g protein.

Recipe found in August/September issue of Taste of Home Magazine

 

 

 

Sweetly Gluten Free

Gluten Free Apple Cider Doughnuts

2 cups gluten-free biscuit/baking mix

¾ cup sugar

1pkg (1/4 oz) quick-rise yeast

1 ½ tsp. baking powder

½ tsp. salt

½ tsp. apple pie spice

½ tsp. ground cinnamon

1/8 tsp. baking soda

½ cup warm water (110 to 155 degrees)

6 Tbsp. butter, melted

¼ cup unsweetened applesauce, room temp

1 Tbsp. vanilla extract

Glaze

1 cup apple cider or juice

1Tbsp. butter, softened

2/3 to 2/4 cup confectioners’ sugar

 

1.  In a large bowl, mix the first eight ingredients. In another bowl, whisk the water, butter, applesauce and vanilla until blended.  Add to the dry ingredients, stir until blended.  Cover and let rest for 10 minutes.

 

2.  Cut a small hole in the corner of a food-safe plastic bag; fill with batter.  Pipe into a 6-cavity doughnut pan coated with cooking spray, filling cavities three-fourths full.

 

3.  Bake at 325* degrees for 11-14 minutes or until golden brown. Cool for 5 minutes before removing from pan to a wire rack.  Repeat with remaining batter.

 

4.  For glaze, in a small saucepan, bring apple cider to a boil; cook until liquid is reduced to 3 Tbsp.  Transfer to a small bowl; stir in butter until melted.  Stir in enough confectioners’ sugar to reach glaze consistency.  Dip each doughnut halfway, allowing excess to drip off.  Place on wire rack; let stand until set.

 

Nutrition Facts: 1 doughnut equals 273 calories, 8 g fat (4g saturate fat), 18 mg cholesterol, 565 mg sodium, 47 g carbohydrate, 4 g fiber, 4 g protein.

 

Recipe found in August/September issue of taste of home magazine

I shall call you Squishy..

I do believe that at some point I have mentioned in one of my blogs that I tend to give people who annoy me nicknames.  If they really just get under my skin the name tends to be more on the mean side then the funny side.  So I figured this morning I would tell you some of the names I’ve come up with for some of the people who really annoy me.

 

First off there is Fat Bastard.  Now after living my entire adult life and most of my childhood overweight I never call anyone fat.  I know how badly that little 3-letter word hurts so I try very hard to never ever think this way about anyone.  But this ahole just doesn’t give me a choice on calling him names. He is the slimiest sleaze ball ever and does anything and everything he can to cause trouble for everyone he works with.   He’s the type who will talk about anyone and everyone behind their backs but be the nicest person to their face.  He loves to call the boss and “ask questions” about why someone does something a certain way, in the process planting that seed of doubt in the bosses mind about the job the other person is doing.  This way he can come back and say he didn’t “tell” on anyone, he simply asked a question.  Sneaky bastard, I hate sneaky people.  He weighs easily 300lbs and has often talked about the women he’s “paid” for and the sex was so great, blah blah blah, plus he orders his lunch everyday and everyday I’m disgusted by the amount of food he shoves down his piehole.  Someone who is so grossly overweight and in such bad physical health (he’s diabetic and has had several heart attacks.  The dr’s have told him there’s nothing they can do he just lives til he dies now) it surprises me that he does nothing to try to make his time left a little less traumatic.  So this jackwad gets the name Fat Bastard and everytime he walks into my office I break out into song.. “I want my baby back baby back baby back.. I want my baby back baby back baby back ribs”.. or I’ll say “GET IN MUH BELLY!”  Only one other co-worker knows I call him this and of course he laughs with me.

 

The next one is the co-worker who knows the last one.  He’s the resident pervert.  He’s offered to pay me to let him suck my toe’s in the past among other things.  He’s constantly telling me his sex stories about he and his wife and their swing sessions.  Every time I say anything he turns it into a sexual innuendo, which is very annoying.  And yes, before anyone says anything I have let management know this and they are working on keeping him out of my office but where I work, sexual harassment is not a big issue for them and it won’t be handled like it would at a real office. You must keep in mind I work at a truck driver training school.  Anyways this man has earned the nickname “My gay best friend”.  I call him this to reaffirm to him that I do not see him at all in any way shape or form in a sexual way.  EVER.

 

And the last one for today is He-man.  Now I do not call him He-man because he has muscles or strength or anything like that, nope it’s quite the opposite.   This nimrod called one day last week wanting a new test date, but because he has failed the test 3 times the State of Virginia will not let him test again without being re-certified.  This is not our rule, this is a state rule and if you do not have this certificate they will not ever let you test again.  I informed this particular individual this and he lost it.  He started screaming and yelling at me, telling me how I didn’t understand that he has no money, he’s not working and he cannot afford to pay anymore.  I tried to tell him over and over again that this is not our rule but he just did not get it.  I even told him that he didn’t have to pay our price for it that he could indeed go to any other school he wanted too, I’d prefer it if he did go somewhere else.  By the end of the conversation he had screamed at me several times that he was going to come to the school and kill us all.  Well I called my boss and explained to him everything that happened and gave him the guy’s number.  Later my boss calls me back and tells me that the guy has calmed down and that he was just upset because I was abusing my power, wait, MY POWER?  I HAVE THE POWER!!! (See, he-man reference).  Um, honestly I have no power here, never have and never will.

 

So again.. if you make my list of nicknames you know I don’t really like you.. or I truly love you.. (my kids are bubba and monkey butt and my hubby is baby)..