As you all know, well you would if you followed my blog that is, over the last year I’ve lost over a hundred pounds. For my entire life all I could ever see when I looked in the mirror was a fat girl. When I weighed 199 lbs I thought, why would anyone want you you fat ugly girl. Then when I ballooned up too 220 lbs and had a husband I continued to think “How can anyone ever be attracted to you, your so disgusting”. Of course it didn’t help that my husband at the time would tell me on a regular basis how fat and repulsive I was so why wouldn’t I think it? He just verified my own thoughts. As time went on I managed to eat myself up too 267 lbs at highest weight and completely and totally hated myself. My husband at that time use to tell me “You should be grateful I still find you attractive because no other man would”, and I would just agree and think how could he even find me attractive? To see myself naked was just horrible, and there were times I would cry at the sight of me. Fat and blubber everywhere I could see and touch. Every bite of food I put in my mouth I just berated myself for eating it. Every time I tried to exercise, instead of telling myself what a good thing I was doing instead I would say things like “you fat cow, you can’t do this why even bother”.
So fast forward 26 years of hating my body image and you’ll get to the point where I finally did something about it. I had the gastric bypass in 2011 and dropped the weight. For years and years I believed if I could just get this weight off of me I’d be happy. I mean I knew I’d have excess skin so I wasn’t expecting to look like a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model, but I did go into it thinking I would finally find some sort of peace about my self image. Man did I mis-think that! There is something seriously wrong with me and my brain.
Today my husband I went to the Pentagon City Mall to do a little shopping and well, get my damn dark chocolate covered strawberry that I’ve been craving for 3 weeks now but have been unable to find anywhere! We went into American Eagle Outfitters and I was interested in finding a new pair of jeans. I’ve been looking for a new pair that I actually like, as I don’t like the skin melding skinny jeans and I hate the bell bottom ones. I miss the days of jeans that had the bottoms that weren’t so tight you could barely get your foot through it, you know the old Walmart jeans! Maybe it was just fat girl jeans I guess, I don’t know. All I know is I cannot find a pair I really like. So anyways, got off topic there sorry, the sales girl comes up to me and starts helping and she’s picking out jeans I can try and says “I’d guess you were a size 8 right?” and the right side of my brain is screaming there’s no way my fat ass can fit into a size 8 while the left side of my brain said “hey dumbass, your not fat anymore they’ll fit” so into the dressing room I go with 3 pairs of jeans. I put on the first pair, they were skinny jeans, and they fit and fit well but still not what I’m looking for. I show my husband and he likes them of course, he likes pretty much everything I try on. I however notice the muffin top, the bulge under the button area, the fat thighs that look like they are shoved into them. So I take those off and I try on the jeggings that have the holes already frayed into them. First thing I notice is the bulge of skin poking through the hole on the thighs, eww. Then I notice they are just not hiding any of the flaws anywhere on my body and in fact seem to be highlighting them. I show my husband and he’s going on and on about how great they look and how they make my butt look good. What the hell is he looking at because it’s obviously not me. I point out all the bad things that I was seeing and how fat I was and then it hits me! I’m down 100+lbs, I am wearing a size 8 jeans that I got on with no effort, I mean I didn’t even have to lay down to button and zip them up so how the hell can I stand there and go on and on about being fat? I asked my husband if he thinks I’m Anorexic. I mean think about it, I’m thin (according to everyone and even my dr who has told me to stop losing weight) but all I see is a fat woman with a millions flaws. Doesn’t that qualify me as Anorexic? He’s told me before that no matter what I look like I’m going to find something wrong with my body, that I’m never going to be happy and he’s right. I know that even if I have the plastic surgery to remove the excess skin (which I am currently trying to get scheduled for) and even get to have the girls done so they look good again, I will find a flaw somewhere else. I honestly do not believe that I will ever see myself any other way then fat, and that is heartbreaking and scary. So the question is now, how do I change this way of thinking? Are there meetings for people like me? Should I be seeing a doctor for this? I still have dreams of taking a knife and physically cutting the fat off of me, graphic yes I know but when you’re as fat as I once was then you’ll understand this thinking. Scarier yet, am I passing all of these self image issue’s to my own children? I try very hard not too and pray that I’m not as I would truly hate myself if they grew up with such self hatred too.