Am I Anorexic??

As you all know, well you would if you followed my blog that is, over the last year I’ve lost over a hundred pounds.  For my entire life all I could ever see when I looked in the mirror was a fat girl.  When I weighed 199 lbs I thought, why would anyone want you you fat ugly girl.  Then when I ballooned up too 220 lbs and had a husband I continued to think “How can anyone ever be attracted to you, your so disgusting”.   Of course it didn’t help that my husband at the time would tell me on a regular basis how fat and repulsive I was so why wouldn’t I think it?  He just verified my own thoughts.  As time went on I managed to eat myself up too 267 lbs at highest weight and completely and totally hated myself.  My husband at that time use to tell me “You should be grateful I still find you attractive because no other man would”, and I would just agree and think how could he even find me attractive?  To see myself naked was just horrible, and there were times I would cry at the sight of me.  Fat and blubber everywhere I could see and touch.  Every bite of food I put in my mouth I just berated myself for eating it.  Every time I tried to exercise, instead of telling myself what a good thing I was doing instead I would say things like “you fat cow, you can’t do this why even bother”.

So fast forward 26 years of hating my body image and you’ll get to the point where I finally did something about it.  I had the gastric bypass in 2011 and dropped the weight.  For years and years I believed if I could just get this weight off of me I’d be happy.  I mean I knew I’d have excess skin so I wasn’t expecting to look like a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model, but I did go into it thinking I would finally find some sort of peace about my self image.  Man did I mis-think that!  There is something seriously wrong with me and my brain.

Today my husband I went to the Pentagon City Mall to do a little shopping and well, get my damn dark chocolate covered strawberry that I’ve been craving for 3 weeks now but have been unable to find anywhere!  We went into American Eagle Outfitters and I was interested in finding a new pair of jeans.  I’ve been looking for a new pair that I actually like, as I don’t like the skin melding skinny jeans and I hate the bell bottom ones.  I miss the days of jeans that had the bottoms that weren’t so tight you could barely get your foot through it, you know the old Walmart jeans!  Maybe it was just fat girl jeans I guess, I don’t know.  All I know is I cannot find a pair I really like.  So anyways, got off topic there sorry, the sales girl comes up to me and starts helping and she’s picking out jeans I can try and says “I’d guess you were a size 8 right?” and the right side of my brain is screaming there’s no way my fat ass can fit into a size 8 while the left side of my brain said “hey dumbass, your not fat anymore they’ll fit” so into the dressing room I go with 3 pairs of jeans.  I put on the first pair, they were skinny jeans, and they fit and fit well but still not what I’m looking for.  I show my husband and he likes them of course, he likes pretty much everything I try on.  I however notice the muffin top, the bulge under the button area, the fat thighs that look like they are shoved into them.  So I take those off and I try on the jeggings that have the holes already frayed into them.  First thing I notice is the bulge of skin poking through the hole on the thighs, eww.  Then I notice they are just not hiding any of the flaws anywhere on my body and in fact seem to be highlighting them.  I show my husband and he’s going on and on about how great they look and how they make my butt look good.  What the hell is he looking at because it’s obviously not me.  I point out all the bad things that I was seeing and how fat I was and then it hits me!  I’m down 100+lbs, I am wearing a size 8  jeans that I got on with no effort, I mean I didn’t even have to lay down to button and zip them up so how the hell can I stand there and go on and on about being fat?  I asked my husband if he thinks I’m Anorexic. I mean think about it, I’m thin (according to everyone and even my dr who has told me to stop losing weight) but all I see is a fat woman with a millions flaws.  Doesn’t that qualify me as Anorexic?   He’s told me before that no matter what I look like I’m going to find something wrong with my body, that I’m never going to be happy and he’s right.  I know that even if I have the plastic surgery to remove the excess skin (which I am currently trying to get scheduled for) and even get to have the girls done so they look good again, I will find a flaw somewhere else.  I honestly do not believe that I will ever see myself any other way then fat, and that is heartbreaking and scary.   So the question is now, how do I change this way of thinking?  Are there meetings for people like me?  Should I be seeing a doctor for this?  I still have dreams of taking a knife and physically cutting the fat off of me, graphic yes I know but when you’re as fat as I once was then you’ll understand this thinking.  Scarier yet, am I passing all of these self image issue’s to my own children?  I try very hard not too and pray that I’m not as I would truly hate myself if they grew up with such self hatred too.

I fear I will always see this

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22 thoughts on “Am I Anorexic??

  1. I think it’s normal to keep seeing the old you, but you just have to remember it’s in your head. You lived that way for so long. But anyway, you should be proud that you lost all that weight and can be healthier now. If anything, maybe therapy would help to stop thinking the worst of your image? Idk, I hope that didn’t come out wrong. 😉

    • I actually am in therapy for my anger issue’s.. lol.. I’m just a damn mess! I should be proud of my accomplishments.. I mean I went from 14 different shots and pills a day to none (I was diabetic).. I no longer have borderline high blood pressure… but I’m not.. I see myself and think of so much more wrong..

      • Who can blame you, you’ve been through a lot. But you know, it’s not your fault those things happened in your past. You’re very strong and now you have a wonderful family. And that’s amazing to no longer be diabetic! (Why did I think that once you have diabetes, it never goes away?) I say good for you. 😀

        • Well technically I will always be diabetic, I’m just considered controlled now, my surgeon has termed me as “resolved” too but there’s always a chance it will come back regardless. I took some blood test a year ago and it came back as negative which means my pancreas is damaged and the way she explained it was one day, could be 1 yr from now or 10 years from it will come back and I will insulin dependent. It’s just a waiting game now. In the meantime I’m going to enjoy not taking the shots!

  2. I think you look great, I have always thought you looked great but you have years of bad men in your life from your past that told you the opposite. When someone hears something enough, even if it’s not true, you begin to believe it and no matter how many positive things I say it won’t change the damage they did in your past. I do believe it will take several things, time, confidence, uplifting comments, and therapy. It won’t happen over night and with as many years that you had to ensure those assholes saying those things to you it may take several years to get past it but you can get past it.

  3. I think that you might be anorexic or have a body dismorphic mental illness, but i am not a therapist, as I am only 17 years old. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life and still do. I once got up to 220 pounds, I am now down to about 210 or 205. I am happy with my body though. As for your husband, he seems like a real jerk, criticizing your weight and telling you that ohh, “Your lucky I still find you attractive, because no one else would”. Honestly I think he is abusive, if not physically, he is emotionally and verbally, if not both. I think you should see a therapist, and i think you should take him with. If he really does love you, he’d want u to be happy and he would NOT put you down. don’t say ohh, he doesn’t say that now either, because honestly, even if he doesn’t that doesn’t matter, he said it in the past and doesn’t seem like he loves you for YOU. YOU need a person in your life WHO WILL LOVE YOU FOR YOU, YOU FLAWS AND ALL. You want someone to support you and care about you and bring you UP, not someone who will bring you down. I think that your kids may be able to feel your self-hatred, even if u don’t show it in front of them. YOU WANT TO TEACH YOUR KIDS TO LOVE THEMSELVES AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES RIGHT?? SHOW THEM THAT IT IS POSSIBLE AND BE THE GOOD ROLE MODEL FOR THEM, I DON’T KNOW YOUR HUSBAND, BE HE DOESN’T SEEM LIKE he is a good role model. Good Luck to you and DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND MAKE A BOOK OR LIST OF ALL THE POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT YOU. It may not hurt to talk to a therapist and to give yourself atleast 3 to 5 positive things about you everyday. Look in the mirror and GIVE YOURSELF 3 TO 5 POSITIVES…GOD KNOWS…YOU DESERVE IT!

    • That was my 2nd husband and I divorced him 5 years ago. I’m now married to a wonderful man who constantly tells me how beautiful I am. Unfortuneatly it’s easier to believe the bad things that have been said about me then the good things he tells me now.

  4. Remember when I mentioned my”fat girl” mentality? by definition YOU ARE NOT ANOREXIC! You still like to eat food-anorexics don’t..You suffer from body dysmorphia. We all suffer from it unless we’re lucky enuf to be super-muscled underneath…plus having elasticity in the skin where the most weight came from. I’ll be 10 yrs post surgery October 11 & i STILL don’t see what everyone else sees. It’s normal. I know ppl that never see what others see. When u go in for anger mgmt talk abt what you see..it makes u angry so get it out. You still look beautiful no matter what size you are…and I’m not saying it becuz I’m biased to my twin, but becuz it’s true. As women, there’s always something we’re not happy abt with our bodies..we just gotta make our do what it do!!! Love u honey…

    • I can honestly say I do not know what I would do without you in my life. You’ve been my inspiration for so many things to include this journey and you’ve been here every step of the way for me. I love you and thank you. I am seriously getting worried because I am starting to get to the point where I hear my brain telling me not to eat (except them durn strawberries..lol) I knew you said it would be like this, I just never envisioned it this bad, ya know. I go back to her on the 21 and I will be telling her.

  5. You are a very special woman who can take a bad situation and turn it into something good. I know that I love and miss you very much the old and new you. There is nothing wrong with you!! The people that done take the time to get to know you are missing out on a GREAT OPPORTUNITY along with a great smile and personality. You are the best friend that everyone wishes that could have. I know that when I needed someone you were always there to make me feel better when I had my issues. I am glad that I was one of those people that took the time so get to know you. You helped make a difference in my like along with introducing me to my WONDERFUL husband of 21 years. NEVER CHANGE WHO YOU ARE!!! I love you!!!!

    • Awww… I’ve missed you so much! I love you too and Thank you for the kind words. I’m so glad we’ve come back into each others lives.. and I’ve always been glad I introduced you two.. 🙂

  6. Well, it might be better if you do get therapy and if you look in the mirror everyday and say 3 to 5 good things about yourself. Trust Me, I know that it is often easier to believe the bad things you are told or you tell yourself, than the good things. You just have to find the power within you to believe that positives and let the positives outweigh the negatives. I’ve never really had an eating disorder, but I used to tell myself bad things all the time, I still tell myself sometimes I am fat, but then I have to take a step back and say I am not fat, I AM BEAUTIFUL, AND MY BODY IS MADE SPECIFICALLY FOR ME, I LOVE MYSELF. If you get the drift. Just Try therapy and telling yourself good things everyday and before you know it you will see a great change in your attitude and how you view yourself. Good Luck, Best of Luck to You!!!

  7. Thanx. I appreciate it, I’ve been through a lot of things in my life than anyone should ever have to go through, especially at 17 years old, I’ve been forced to grow up faster than others my age, but to be honest, even though I sometimes feel like the odd one out, I am proud of the person I’ve become because of my past, and I do hope to help others, as much as I can, including through my poems and my pieces. but even though I am more mature than most teens, I do sometimes need help, support, guidance, or even just advice. Best of Luck to You! ❤

    • You are on the right road.. I have no worries about you making it and being strong and having a great life. We all need someone every now and then, that’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of humanity. 🙂

  8. Exactly, Take your own advice on that also. I want to say that even though you go to Anger Management therapy, as I came to realize on other comments, you might need a therapist who works specifically in Mental Health. I see a therapist too. I have Post-traumatic Stress disorder, depression, ADD, and some Borderline Personality disorder traits, but I wasn’t diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Therapy does help, and if you don’t want to open up at the first meeting, you can just take that time to get to know your therapist and eventually feel like you can open up to them about stuff in your future meetings. I usually go to therapy every 2 weeks, but You can see them once a week or twice a week or whatever u feel u need. Therapists are there to help you and not judge you. Good Luck. I mean it too. TRY THE EXERCISE OF TELLING YOURSELF 3 TO 5 POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE MORNING OR AT NIGHT OR BOTH, BUT LOOK IN MIRROR WHEN U DO IT. Do it on a Daily basis, I know it may sound silly, but It does work, at least it helped me.

    • I have been in therapy for over a year now. I have been diagnosed with Bi-polar (even though this one has been a source of debate between a few of my drs) and Anger Displacement Disorder, Severe Anxiety Disorder and Depression.. this body thing is just something I”ll have to add to the list..

  9. yeah, That’s okay. Nobody’s perfect, and it is okay to have to go to counseling. It’s okay to have problems. Everybody does. Good Luck.

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