he knew he had to make that kick or else…


This game was definitely  a nail biter game.  I figured my boys would do what they are best at, screwing it up at the end, but OMG… did you see that last kick?????  My neighbors heard me yelling at the TV for hours during this one… so THANK YOU to my team for not losing to the Bucs and making me have to face the tauntings tomorrow…woohoo… GO SKINS


The black hole

A depressed man sitting on a bench

A depressed man sitting on a bench (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When depression finds a way to creep into your life, into your body, your soul becomes lost.  Your mind tries to make sense of it all but nothing makes sense anymore.  You feel alone in the world, even if your standing in a room full of people.  Your friends and family seem like they no longer know who you are so you begin to pull away from them.  You quit doing things that once held a place in your heart, you stop talking to friends on the phone, you stop texting people, you just stop everything.  Your body starts to shut down as a way to cope with it all.  Sleep becomes your new best friend.  No matter how much sleep you get, you crave more.  It’s simple really, when your sleeping you don’t have to feel the pain in your heart, your head, your body.  Depression does more then just makes you sad, it makes your body hurt, sometimes to the point that you can’t function.  You can’t get out of bed, you can’t shower or dress, you just cry and sleep.  I know all of this because I’ve lived with severe depression for years.  I’ve had times where I’ve begged God to take me in my sleep, not caring where that would leave my kids and family because honestly I felt they would be better off with out me.  My body has hurt, my mind so tired it couldn’t process anything.  I’ve slept for days on end, called in sick to jobs.  I remember one time when my son was about 3 my doctor put me on medication for my depression, I slept so hard for 4 days that my young son lived off of cheese slices and bread and bologna during the days because I could not wake up enough to take care of him, which just fed into my depression because it made me feel like I was an even bigger failure as a mother and a person.

Family and friends have had to watch me self destruct, and cry my eye’s out hating myself and my life.  They’ve heard all the excuses of why I couldn’t go do something with them and got my voice mail when I quit taking their calls.  Some of them moved on and gave up on me, others are still here and thankful that I have been out of those valley’s for a long time now.

Now the coin has flipped and I’m not the one dishing out the depression and I’m on the worried for a loved one side.  Life has dished out quite a few blows for my husband over the last 7 years.  He decided after 16 years of marriage to a woman who was very controlling and demanding he didn’t want to be married to her anymore, so he left and asked for a divorce.  She took everything and left him with the $30 or so in his pockets and his possessions.  To be nice and help her deal with it all he allowed her to take their 3 kids and move to Florida to be near her family for support.  She took his kindness and used it against him and continue’s to do so.  He served in our Armed Forces (Air Force) for 20 years and had to retire due to his knee, and it took him 6 months to find a job after his retirement putting him in even more financial turmoil.  His health has declined and his stress levels have skyrocketed.  He has a hard time understanding and dealing with my son who suffers from severe ADHD, severe ODD, OCD traits, no executive skills and anxiety disorder.  He works nights so his sleep schedule is completely messed up, he has insomnia most days and gets very little sunshine because of his work schedule, very little exercise because of his knee.  He suffers from severe RLS syndrome in his legs and arms and now even his head is starting to shake.  He’s put on weight and since he can’t exercise it’s almost impossible for him to lose the weight.  His depression is worsening and I have no idea how to help him.  I know what it’s like to be there, but to help is something that escapes me .  I get frustrated myself at his frustration so it only feeds his.


frustration (Photo credit: mrkvm)

So all I can tell my husband is this.  Fight it with everything you have.  Depression can rule you and your world if you let it.  You have to force yourself to exercise, even if it’s just 10 minutes a day to start.  You have to force yourself to get up and get outside on occasion, get some sunshine.  Yes, you have to get some sleep before work but don’t sleep the entire day.  Get up at 3 and go for a 30 minute stroll.  Get back into the therapist office and get yourself on some medication.  Try to get your positive way of thinking back.  I know I beat that positiveness out of you and I’m sorry, that was my pessimism in me.  You must find the positive things in everything, find yourself again.

Land of Confusion

I wrote this several months ago.. thought I’d share it


I guess I should start with the definition of the word confused to make sense of what I’m going to write about. Webster defines it as a) being perplexed or disconcerted or b) disoriented with regard to one’s sense of time, place, or identity.  My entire life has been closely regarded to the b definition of that word and it only seems to get worse with age.  Most people talk about how with age comes clarity, but I’m not that lucky. For as long as I can remember I’ve been confused about so much, like why my dad had to die so young, why my mom had to work so hard and was always gone, why I never seem to fit in anywhere, why I was never happy deep inside even when I had no reason to be unhappy.  My mind is so full of mazes and intricate questions and entangled thoughts that I sometimes fear if anyone ever saw them I would surely be institutionalized for my own safety, or the safety of others.

Lately I’ve had a very hard time dealing with some of these thoughts in my head.  They seem to be taking over my mind, gaining control and refusing to relinquish that control for anything.  I’m sitting here trying to write about the confusion and I can’t even figure out where to start, that’s how damn confused I am.  It’s really rather annoying.  I guess I’ll start by telling you all that I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and psychotherapist for the last few months to help me deal with my anger and depression and confusion.  At first my psychiatrist diagnosed me as bi-polar but then my psychotherapist said she didn’t believe that was my true diagnosis.  She believed that because of the trauma’s I’ve lived through that I really suffer from something called Anger displacement disorder and of course Anxiety disorder.  I already knew about the anxieties as I’ve been suffering from them and panic attacks for about 25 yrs now, so that was nothing new to me.  The anger displacement was new.  She explained to me that it was because I never dealt with things from my past so now when something happens that has the slightest resemblance to something from my past that caused me any anger/unhappiness it will instantly trigger anger and I will throw that anger at the wrong person now.  It’s my way of dealing with it and sadly the person who gets the anger is usually the closest person to me.  And looking back it’s been that way my whole life.  Right now it’s Rob, in the past it’s been ex lovers that I cared deeply for, close friends and family members.  I’ve pushed them most all of them away at some point because of it, I watched myself do it. Those few that stuck with me did so until the end of their lives however there are a couple that are still here… holding on tight knowing how much I love them and need them, but also knowing that I never feel or felt worthy of their love and devotion.

Last week my psychiatrist told me that my anxieties and anger have not gotten any better since she first saw me at the beginning of the year, that in fact they seem worse.  She went over the list we made of things that were upsetting me back in January that I specifically said were causing my anger and anxieties.  My weight being so high was number 1 on my list followed very closely by the fact that I was out of a job and had been for months and that Rob was fixing to retire and had not even started looking for a job even though I had told him too and I knew he’d be out of work for months.  She said look Shannon, it’s 6 months later, your weight is over 60lbs lighter, you’ve had a job making great money for over 3 months and now your husband has a start date finally for his job and your more angry and more anxious then ever! CONFUSION BIG TIME.  I sat there dumb founded and crying.  She was right.  How was that possible?  The 2 biggest things or at least the 2 biggest things I thought were in my life that changed so much for the positive had no positive effect for me.  WTH was going on in my messed up head?  Am I really this crazy?  See, more entangled questions!!!  She asked me why I was so angry at Rob.  I told her several things, mainly because of the broken promises that I know are out of his control but still.  She said so it makes you feel unworthy of those things he promised you. Yes, it does.  It makes me feel like every other man has made me feel, like it was all lies just to get what they wanted.  I know in my heart Rob is different.  I know he loves me and I know he desperately wants to give me all those things and it makes me feel like a materialistic spoiled horrible person to feel this way but I can’t help it, it’s how I feel.  So she asks what is it you want to do now.  I want to leave, like I’ve always done.

Then she starts pointing out things like, by Rob not fulfilling his promises he’s in essence abandoning me and leaving me to take care of myself, kind of like my dad did.  WHOA… HOW THE HELL DID SHE GET THERE FROM HERE?  Wait, what?  Back up lady, CONFUSION AGAIN.  She tells me that I’m angry because my dad left me, that that’s what’s started all of it. NO I’m not.  I don’t remember him, how can I be angry at someone I don’t remember?  I had a great mom and a great childhood with great siblings (at least then, one of them has lost her damn mind since then). Yeah, I was always sad inside, but I really don’t think it was at the loss of a father I hardly remembered.  I honestly think if it was at anything it was because I was missing my mother who had to work so hard and it was because I lived in fear of her dying, not because he died.  Am I wrong about that?  I just don’t know anymore.

Here’s where the confusion really gets me.  Is she right?  I mean up until Rob my track record in men has been horrible.  I always dated older men, some much much older.  Was I looking for the daddy I never had?  Most were mean and some were viciously mean.  Was that because I never had a proper male role model, or am I just one of those crazy chicks who like bad boys?  Why did I and do I always feel so unworthy?  Was it because my dad left so suddenly leaving me to feel that because I didn’t have a dad growing up I didn’t deserve anything?  How does a person get past all this and stop blaming the new people in their lives, especially when they mess up?

So now you’ve all had a peak into my head and just a little bit of what I think about on a daily basis.  Trust me when I say this is just a small tidbit.  Now you why sometimes my statuses get down or angry or why I’ll post I didn’t sleep… I never get to shut my brain down.. ever and it’s annoying.  I’ve always said that silence is deafening to me and the other day my son said to me “I hate it when it’s silent, I can’t handle it”… oh great, I’m raising another crazy person!  I guess I should have known, if I live in the land of confusion then there was no way I could have raised kids without at least one of them visiting there!

BPD.. the best description of it I’ve ever heard..

Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness

Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness (Photo credit: Gemma.E.Taylor)

I was diagnosed with BPD (Bi-Polar Disorder) several years ago and I also suffer from Anger Displacement Issue’s and Anxiety Disorder.  I’ve tried without success to explain what is going on in my head.  Last night a guy who is in a chat room that I belong too posted this.. I had to repost it as this is EXACTLY how I feel at all times..
“Beyond BPD? I gotta get this out of my head, I’m over-thinking as always.The thing about BPD (my experience anyway) is that a lot of the feelings, self esteen, self identity, relationship issues, acute over-reactions to stuff, impulsiveness and so on tend to end up in a very confused mess in your head and a lot of the time you struggle with the chaos of it. At some point you realise that strangely there is comfort in that because feelings of responsibility end up there too. I guess I mean there’s solace in the madness because you don’t (can’t) deal with it all. But I think that after the BPD winds down it’s excesses and you start to recover all that stuff is still there but now it is sortable. Responsibility comes back and it is hard work, tiring and depressing. After more time and more stability the whole realisation of your life is there and it hurts, your life – no matter how good – amounts to a waste of so much time, years even and I feel regret and a quiet anger. While the physical reminders of BPD have faded to little white lines, the physical damage I have done to myself is long lasting. Diabetes is destroying my eyes, my nerves and my circulation and I’ve never cared to take meds properly or even insulin when I should. Excesses have lead to motorcycle accidents that have ruined my knees etc.. There’s no reset button. After BPD, I’m avoidant, anxious and my mood rarely swings really low but never gets up to normal either. I’m just depressed. But I can’t hide from it, I’m feeling it and hating it. What my partner sees in me I don’t know. How can she cope with such a limited emotional range and so much low mood and disinterest in everything. Defeats me. So is there a point to all this rambling.. I guess that while therapy got me to understand a lot of things, there wasn’t enough to teach me how to fix those things afterwards. Once you open pandora’s box, you must learn how to deal with what’s inside…”

When you live in a brain that never shuts off, the world becomes so much more confusing and aggravating.  You just want to find some peace and quiet but it never comes.  You want to feel accepted by the public and those you love, but you never get that.  Even when you find people who do accept you, you never feel like you are.  Because your brain works overtime you make the smallest things turn into life altering episodes, then you brood in it for weeks/months after constantly thinking “Why did I do that?”.  You live in a “What if” state because your always thinking what if I would have done this or that? Its a vicious cycle and even with medication can still run your life.  What makes it even harder is trying to explain it to someone who doesn’t have any mental health problems.  Some people think it’s something that can just be controlled if  you really wanted it controlled.  Oh how I wish it were that easy…  I could go on more and more about my own personal issue’s but I wont.  I just really wanted to share his explanation because it truly hit the nail on the head for me.