I’d be lying if I said that my marriage was the picture of perfect love and harmony. It was suppose to be those things, I mean after all how many people find their soul mates in this world? When we found each other we knew quickly that life was meant to be spent together. All the signs pointed to us being together, the more I fought it the more God showed us that we were meant for each other. So I gave in and let my heart fall completely and totally in love for the first time ever. He broke down the walls I spent decades building. He showed me how love is meant to be, and then reality set it.
Now I’m not saying he turned into a lying cheating ass or anything even close to it. In fact he’s still done everything he can to show me love, but life has decided that we are not suppose to have an easy time on anything. Since I’ve moved here in 2009 we have struggled through unemployment for both of us, a greedy ex wife, a hateful ex husband who has done everything he can to hurt his biological children, broken promises and health issue’s for both of us. Every time we’ve taken one step forward we’ve been slammed 10 steps back. It’s made me question so much in my life, like why did all the signs point for us to be together just to do everything it could to rip us apart when we got together?
After months of constant let downs, getting further in debt unable to see any hope of help in the near future, 3 separate surgeries where I had absolutely no healing time before I had to get back to work, arguments over everything from money to kids to the ex’s to never having a moment to spend with me (without it feeling like it was forced) I have realized that although I still love my husband dearly, there are times I hate him. It’s very hard to be so in love with someone that at times you find yourself finding more reasons to hate them. Some of the things we have gone through are his fault, some out of his control, just like some of the things he’s been angry about are my fault. I’m not saying anyone is perfect, most defiantly not me, but when things keep going wrong your brain has to find someone to blame and sadly for me, it is my husband.
So here I sit writing a blog trying to find the words to express what I’m going through. I love my husband more then any man I’ve ever loved in my entire life but at the same time I have built up so much anger towards for him for the hell we’ve gone through over the last 3 1/2 years I just don’t know what to do. I told my therapist the other day that there are times I see him and my brain is finding things to be angry about, even when we are not fighting but just sitting there maybe watching TV or playing on the computer. She told me that I am at a critical time in our relationship. I need to re-train my brain’s way of thinking. She said whenever I’m getting into a mood where I’m finding things to be angry about on him or with him that I need to think of something wonderful he’s done or is doing. I need to figure out a way to find that love that once filled my heart and soul.
How does one manage to go from love to hate and then back to love? I don’t know but I’m going to figure it out. My husband will probably comment on this with something to the effect of how sorry he is for everything, how much he loves me and how he is doing everything he can to right the wrongs. And I know that he means every word of it. So I’m going to tell him that I am going to do everything I can to right the wrongs I’ve done and I’m going to work my hardest to retrain this pesky brain of mine to stop trying to find things to be angry about and to stop waiting for “bad” things to happen when my life is going smoothly for a change.
So from love to anger and back to love I go.