Just another brick in the wall

Well hello there brick wall, I’d like to say it’s nice to see you again but honestly I’m kinda tired of running into you every damn time I turn around.  It’s past getting old now so you can just go away.  Really, I won’t miss you at all.

Curse you wall

If your wondering what I’m talking about, it’s those damn walls that seem to block me in at every turn.  Every time I try to do something different, something to make me happier or find some peace in life BAM.. damn brick wall.

self portrait

 

For my entire life I have found it difficult to trust anyone fully.  I am always guarded, and I don’t know why.  I married my first husband with absolutely no trust in that relationship, yeah I knew it wouldn’t last going in but I’m gonna chalk that one up too young and dumb.  We all get 1 young and dumb cards to play.

After the 3 years of cheating, beating and misleading I left him only to settle for idiot number 2 who I did not trust either.  With him however came 2 wonderful children so I learned to accept things for what they were, but never trusted.

Now I’m on marriage number 3.  This time I married a good guy.  One who truly deserves my trust and has done nothing purposely to lose it or keep me from giving it to him.  I say purposely because he has done things that have made me question whether or not he deserves my trust.  Stupid mistakes, financial errors, things out of his control that I didn’t feel he handled correctly.  But that is in the past and I’m trying desperately to move forward.  I feel the Holy Spirit working in me, trying to change things.  I recently read a blog from a woman who asked a question. I responded to her and she’s responded in abundance to me.  She’s willing to work with me to try to help me find a peace within.  She is religious and believes the man is the leader of the house, as the bible states.  This is harder for me to swallow then a horse pill!  I already don’t trust him, now I have to let him be the leader?  Grrrr, I don’t know if I can do that.  April (the lady I’ve been emailing) has opened my eye’s to a few things so I’m going to give it a try.  I’m going to tell my husband something positive as often as I can.  I’m going to let him lead the family (although I will be fighting this one, I’m going to try).  That is of course, if he’ll let me.  I understand now that we think totally different.  He needs words to help him know that I think he’s doing a good job.  I on the other hand think words are crap and mean nothing.  I need actions to show me that he needs me and thinks I’m doing a good job.  April said that men need respect to show love and women need love to show respect.  So I’m going to try this, and hopefully it won’t kill me in the meantime.  If only I didn’t feel like every time I try I run head first into that brick wall, like today.  My head hurts from it.  I’m tired.  This isn’t going to be easy Lord, is it?!

 

So I pray.. “Dear God.  You know me, you know my heart, you know what I’ve been through and what I’m going through.  Show me the way to trust so I can find the peace I need.  This life has not been easy ever, and I’m not asking that it becomes easy.  All I am asking is that you help me become a stronger more stable person so that the hard times don’t kill me before my time.  In your name I pray”  Amen

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