I was diagnosed with BPD (Bi-Polar Disorder) several years ago and I also suffer from Anger Displacement Issue’s and Anxiety Disorder. I’ve tried without success to explain what is going on in my head. Last night a guy who is in a chat room that I belong too posted this.. I had to repost it as this is EXACTLY how I feel at all times..
“Beyond BPD? I gotta get this out of my head, I’m over-thinking as always.The thing about BPD (my experience anyway) is that a lot of the feelings, self esteen, self identity, relationship issues, acute over-reactions to stuff, impulsiveness and so on tend to end up in a very confused mess in your head and a lot of the time you struggle with the chaos of it. At some point you realise that strangely there is comfort in that because feelings of responsibility end up there too. I guess I mean there’s solace in the madness because you don’t (can’t) deal with it all. But I think that after the BPD winds down it’s excesses and you start to recover all that stuff is still there but now it is sortable. Responsibility comes back and it is hard work, tiring and depressing. After more time and more stability the whole realisation of your life is there and it hurts, your life – no matter how good – amounts to a waste of so much time, years even and I feel regret and a quiet anger. While the physical reminders of BPD have faded to little white lines, the physical damage I have done to myself is long lasting. Diabetes is destroying my eyes, my nerves and my circulation and I’ve never cared to take meds properly or even insulin when I should. Excesses have lead to motorcycle accidents that have ruined my knees etc.. There’s no reset button. After BPD, I’m avoidant, anxious and my mood rarely swings really low but never gets up to normal either. I’m just depressed. But I can’t hide from it, I’m feeling it and hating it. What my partner sees in me I don’t know. How can she cope with such a limited emotional range and so much low mood and disinterest in everything. Defeats me. So is there a point to all this rambling.. I guess that while therapy got me to understand a lot of things, there wasn’t enough to teach me how to fix those things afterwards. Once you open pandora’s box, you must learn how to deal with what’s inside…”
When you live in a brain that never shuts off, the world becomes so much more confusing and aggravating. You just want to find some peace and quiet but it never comes. You want to feel accepted by the public and those you love, but you never get that. Even when you find people who do accept you, you never feel like you are. Because your brain works overtime you make the smallest things turn into life altering episodes, then you brood in it for weeks/months after constantly thinking “Why did I do that?”. You live in a “What if” state because your always thinking what if I would have done this or that? Its a vicious cycle and even with medication can still run your life. What makes it even harder is trying to explain it to someone who doesn’t have any mental health problems. Some people think it’s something that can just be controlled if you really wanted it controlled. Oh how I wish it were that easy… I could go on more and more about my own personal issue’s but I wont. I just really wanted to share his explanation because it truly hit the nail on the head for me.