The black hole

A depressed man sitting on a bench

A depressed man sitting on a bench (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When depression finds a way to creep into your life, into your body, your soul becomes lost.  Your mind tries to make sense of it all but nothing makes sense anymore.  You feel alone in the world, even if your standing in a room full of people.  Your friends and family seem like they no longer know who you are so you begin to pull away from them.  You quit doing things that once held a place in your heart, you stop talking to friends on the phone, you stop texting people, you just stop everything.  Your body starts to shut down as a way to cope with it all.  Sleep becomes your new best friend.  No matter how much sleep you get, you crave more.  It’s simple really, when your sleeping you don’t have to feel the pain in your heart, your head, your body.  Depression does more then just makes you sad, it makes your body hurt, sometimes to the point that you can’t function.  You can’t get out of bed, you can’t shower or dress, you just cry and sleep.  I know all of this because I’ve lived with severe depression for years.  I’ve had times where I’ve begged God to take me in my sleep, not caring where that would leave my kids and family because honestly I felt they would be better off with out me.  My body has hurt, my mind so tired it couldn’t process anything.  I’ve slept for days on end, called in sick to jobs.  I remember one time when my son was about 3 my doctor put me on medication for my depression, I slept so hard for 4 days that my young son lived off of cheese slices and bread and bologna during the days because I could not wake up enough to take care of him, which just fed into my depression because it made me feel like I was an even bigger failure as a mother and a person.

Family and friends have had to watch me self destruct, and cry my eye’s out hating myself and my life.  They’ve heard all the excuses of why I couldn’t go do something with them and got my voice mail when I quit taking their calls.  Some of them moved on and gave up on me, others are still here and thankful that I have been out of those valley’s for a long time now.

Now the coin has flipped and I’m not the one dishing out the depression and I’m on the worried for a loved one side.  Life has dished out quite a few blows for my husband over the last 7 years.  He decided after 16 years of marriage to a woman who was very controlling and demanding he didn’t want to be married to her anymore, so he left and asked for a divorce.  She took everything and left him with the $30 or so in his pockets and his possessions.  To be nice and help her deal with it all he allowed her to take their 3 kids and move to Florida to be near her family for support.  She took his kindness and used it against him and continue’s to do so.  He served in our Armed Forces (Air Force) for 20 years and had to retire due to his knee, and it took him 6 months to find a job after his retirement putting him in even more financial turmoil.  His health has declined and his stress levels have skyrocketed.  He has a hard time understanding and dealing with my son who suffers from severe ADHD, severe ODD, OCD traits, no executive skills and anxiety disorder.  He works nights so his sleep schedule is completely messed up, he has insomnia most days and gets very little sunshine because of his work schedule, very little exercise because of his knee.  He suffers from severe RLS syndrome in his legs and arms and now even his head is starting to shake.  He’s put on weight and since he can’t exercise it’s almost impossible for him to lose the weight.  His depression is worsening and I have no idea how to help him.  I know what it’s like to be there, but to help is something that escapes me .  I get frustrated myself at his frustration so it only feeds his.


frustration (Photo credit: mrkvm)

So all I can tell my husband is this.  Fight it with everything you have.  Depression can rule you and your world if you let it.  You have to force yourself to exercise, even if it’s just 10 minutes a day to start.  You have to force yourself to get up and get outside on occasion, get some sunshine.  Yes, you have to get some sleep before work but don’t sleep the entire day.  Get up at 3 and go for a 30 minute stroll.  Get back into the therapist office and get yourself on some medication.  Try to get your positive way of thinking back.  I know I beat that positiveness out of you and I’m sorry, that was my pessimism in me.  You must find the positive things in everything, find yourself again.


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