Every year around this time I always got excited. Not because it was time to get CANDY CANDY CANDY, or when I got older time for costume parties and drinking til we were stupid… no.. this time of year always excited me because it was the signal to the start of the Holiday Season. You could always feel the electricity in the air, a change that let you know things were going to change. The weather was going to get colder, and if you lived up north the tree’s would be changing colors, family would come visit or you’d go visit family. People generally became nicer. Mom’s would start baking all those wonderful things that were strictly made in the cooler months, ya know beef stew, chili, banana nut bread, cream puffs, pumpkin ANYTHING. As a child the excitement would rise knowing Christmas was just a short 2 months away, as adults who had kids we would become excited about seeing our children’s faces as they opened their gifts from Santa.
I was one of those people who got overly excited every year, until 2000 when my mom died. Yeah, I still had those little pangs of excitement on occasion.. I’d even decorate for my son and then after my daughter was born for both of them. I did every thing I could to make their Christmas’s simply amazing, and thanks to some very loving people they helped me do that the year after I left my ex-husband. I will try again this year to give my kids and my step kids everything they want but I’m still just not feeling it. The next two months have so many things that remind me of what I don’t have anymore it’s hard to feel the excitement. I know I know, we aren’t suppose to concentrate on what we don’t have, only what we do and normally that’s what I do, but this time of year makes it hard. I no longer have my mom and her birthday this year is Thanksgiving Day (double owie there). I no longer have most of my family, after mom died they all kinda just left me. I’ve tried and tried to mend the bridges and make us close again but they have moved on and apparently do not wish to have a relationship with me or my kids. In December I have another loss loved one’s birthday and I had a miscarriage in December 2000. Honestly it seems as though the universe decided to suck all the “Holiday” spirit out of November and December for me. I just kinda go through the emotions now. I am happy when Christmas is over and all the decorations go away because it means I’ve survived another season. How sad is that?