Oh how I wish…

When I tell stories of my childhood they are always filled with love and humor.. we were a family that I always thought were so close.  No mater what happened we were always there for each other, nothing to ever break us apart.  Or so I thought.  In 2000 my amazing most loving mother, the most intelligent woman I ever had the privilege of knowing lost her battle to Colon cancer.  That day I didn’t just lose my mother, I lost the majority of my family.

God I miss her so very very much

At the time of her death I was stuck in a loveless abusive marriage and had been for awhile.   I married my ex in 1997 and in 1998 my mom was diagnosed with Colon Cancer.  I wanted desperately to go and visit her but my ex wouldn’t let me.  He always told me that she would be fine, there was no reason to spend the money we didn’t have to go see her.  The day she died I had to tell her goodbye over the phone.  I was completely heartbroken and needed my family more then anything.  But that’s not what I got.  Instead my sister who is the closest to me in age lied to me to get me to give her my insurance money (she told me it was to keep her house that was in our mothers name) but then years later I was told no that’s not what it was for.  She lied that she would pay it back in 30 days, 12 years later she still owes me over half.  She lied to everyone who would listen that I was being mean and lying about her, that I told her she never had to pay me back then started yelling at her to pay me back.  Anyone who knows me knows that I cannot afford to give away thousands of dollars and not expect it back.  I had people calling me telling me horrible things she said about me.  So I had it out with her, over the phone.  She said things that literally sent me to the edge of sanity.  I was dealing with my mothers death, a miscarriage, several other deaths of family and friends (1 was 7 days after my mom) and then my sister who I used to be so close with telling me our mother died believing that I did not love her because I moved 1000 miles away and broke her heart.  I was devastated.  I stopped talking to her altogether, but after a couple of years I decided that I wanted to mend the broken fence, even though I was not to blame for it.  So I sent her a letter telling her that we had both said things that we regretted and I just wanted to forgive and forget and move on.  By then I had had a little girl and I wanted her to be in my children’s lives.  So when I got a letter back from her saying “I said NOTHING I regret”… I knew it was over.

It’s been several years since all of that has gone down, and I’m sorry to say that every attempt by me to extend the olive branch has been pushed away by her.  I wish I could go back in time and make things  play out differently.  I wish my mother wouldn’t have died as she was clearly the glue in our family.  More then anything I wish my sister that at one time I called my best friend could find it in her heart to forgive herself and be a member of my family.  I keep trying to make my family understand that I wasn’t allowed to talk to them during those years because my ex thought if I went to visit them I would take our son and never come back to him.  I wish I felt like I was still an Underwood, but I don’t.  I don’t feel like I have no home anymore. There is only one person in my blood family who has stood beside me the entire time, my sister Michelle and for that I will always love her and be there for her.  As for my sister Jodi, well.. there’s just nothing left for me to do.  It’s her loss that she doesn’t want to be a part of her niece and nephews life.  It’s her loss that she doesn’t get to be a part of my life and since she’s chosen not to be, she doesn’t get to be a part of my death either.  I’ve told my husband that if I die before him, he is to make damn sure she is not allowed to come to my funeral.

Sorry this is so depressing tonight, it’s weighing heavily on my mind.  My mothers birthday is Nov. 22, Thanksgiving.  It is very hard for me to feel thankful for much of anything.


4 thoughts on “Oh how I wish…

  1. I honestly think its her loss, you are a truly wonderful person that I feel privileged to know. Your sister is a fool and a selfish person. You will hear from her again, but only when she needs something. (I know) You have a wonderful husband and beautiful, thoughtful children. Your mother brought up a person that contributes to the world and loves completely. I love you XXXX

    • Thanks honey.. It just completely saddens my heart to know she so easily threw me away then convinced herself she’s done no wrong. If my mother had lived to see her behave like this she would have tore her up! I learned a valuable lesson though.. never ever ever loan a family member money.. Give it to them without ever expecting it back.. Luckily for me though, I have several friends who are now closer to me then blood… 🙂 Love you too..

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