2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 9,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 15 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

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My New Years Resolution

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Yup.. that’s it.  Really.. Just that.. okay.. so maybe there is something else.  It’s a biggie though and I’ve been mulling it around in my brain for a month or so.  It’s not to lose weight cause frankly.. been there, done that.  It’s not to get in shape cause well I tried and now I have tremendous shoulder pain from it.   Nope.. it’s bigger.  Its something I have to do before not doing it kills me.  Okay.. you ready for it?  I’m going to be happy!  There, whew.. it was hard to say but I’m gonna do it.

For my entire life I’ve been searching for happiness.. always relying on others to make me happy.  But happiness never came, at least not for long.  Everyone in my life has let me down, to include myself, and it has made me angry and truly unhappy. I will admit that several times this year my thoughts have turned suicidal and my therapist has been seriously considering admitting me but know that I would just freak out more because I’d be missing work and frankly our financial situation is a big factor in my current mental state.    This last year has been extremely difficult for me on so many different levels.  I had 2 surgeries in 2011.. one major one in May, then an emergency one in August followed by another emergency one in this past February.  My body is tired and plum worn out.  I was suppose to have been scheduled for a MAJOR one this coming month but it has yet to be scheduled (I think maybe divine intervention) and now with my shoulder hurting like it is I’m seeing a surgery to repair it.  I can’t ever heal properly if I walk around in a constant state of anger.  It’s just not possible.

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I’ve noticed over the last couple of weeks I have felt better since I’ve decided to just be happy.  Yeah, I still have my angry moments.  I see friends on FB who have everything and the appearance is their lives are fucking perfect and even though I’m happy for them, it just adds to my anger on how much has gone wrong in my own life.  We see them taking vacations, buying cars and homes, their kids doing amazing things and I think “why can’t my kids ever get that kind of break?”  or “Why can’t I have those things, I work my ass off”… and well.. I just have to stop thinking like that.  I have to accept the fact that I will never give the kids the lives I want too.  They aren’t going to be able to play every sport, or go into dance or go to the amusement parks every summer.  Nope, they aren’t going to have the safety of living in a great neighborhood with a great house.    They aren’t going to get brand new or even nice used cars for their 16th birthdays with big bows on them.  What they are going to get is a mother who would die for them.  One who works her ass off so they can at least have clothes on their backs, shoe’s on their feet and the medical attention they need when/if they need it.  Our apartment may be roach infested ghetto hell, but it’s filled with love and laughter and they each have their own rooms and their own stuff.  We at least have a roof over our head (for now at least.. now come March that may be a different story) and we have groceries.

So this year I’m going to do what my sister Nikki has been telling me for years.. (yes I am that hard headed).  I’m going to depend on myself for my own happiness and forget the rest of the world.  I’m always going to have haters, and I’m always going to expect too much out of those I love just to be let down again (and no its not that they do it on purpose.. it’s just me).. so this year I’m going to try my hardest to look at things differently.  If we are stuck here in the ghetto for another year… okay.. that’s fine.  I have a home.. I have electricity and food… If my daughter has to quit her Tae Kwon Do at a brown belt instead of being able to go all the way to the black belt.. well… at least she got to the brown belt and I will tell her there’s more time to finish her dreams.  When my husbands piece of crap car dies yet again costing us more then it’s fucking worth… well at least we have my car… See.. I’m going to try to find some happiness in every situation every day…

Saying all of this is bringing my blah’s back so I guess I should wrap it up.

Happy New Year Bloggers..

life

Your gonna hear noises that sound like a construction site….

So last night I had to go get an MRI done on my shoulder.  I did something to it months ago and it’s getting progressively worse everyday so I had the MRI done so they can see what kind of damage I did to it.  Now a little known fact (well for you my dear readers) is that I am claustrophobic.  It’s not severe, I mean I can handle things like elevators (as long as they are not jammed full) and cars (as long as the window is cracked).  As long as I feel air for the most part I’m okay.  Now riding Metro in rush hour… not so much

crowded metro platform

crowded metro platform (Photo credit: woodleywonderworks)  THEY ARE BREATHING IN MY OXYGEN

Anyways… over the last couple of years I’ve had test after test after test followed by surgery after surgery after surgery.  Every last one of these test have been in open machines.. Open CT scanners ect.  So last night I figured it would be the same thing, I mean it’s military and they have the state of the art equipment.  I get there early and to my surprise they take me right back..cool.. that never happens.  I get to leave my clothes on except my bra cause it has wire in it, oh and all jewelry except my wedding rings (which since my husband has lost his I guess I really don’t need anymore).. So I take the bra off and wrap a gown around me cause well.. it was cold in there dammit and w/ no bra on and just a t-shirt.. well yeah.. gown was needed!

The guy is walking me to the room and telling me “It takes about 20 minutes and it’s loud.  It sounds like a construction site but dont’ worry, it’s just the machine, it’s not broken or anything”.. okay… my mind still focusing on how cold it was in there.  Then he hands me off to the tech who is a very nice lady, looked to be around my age.  We walk in the room and oh dear lord it’s -20 in there!  I start talking to her about how cold it is and how can she stand it (never seeing the deathtrap in the room).  She jokes that’s why she has on 3 shirts and her scrubs.  She has me lay down on the bed and slide my head up to the pillow and OH MY FREAKING GOD IT’S A COFFIN.. WAITTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLD UP HO… YOU WANT TO PUT ME IN THIS TUNNEL OF DEATH?????????????

tunnel o death

tunnel o death

“Claustrophobic are we?” she asked as my already white skin turned almost transparent as the blood rushed out of my face, down somewhere out of my feet.  “Ummm yeah.. and no one told me this was a closed MRI machine” I said, trying desperately not to sound like a frightened 2 year old.. but failing miserably.  She tells me they have earphones specially made for the machine and I could listen to music if I wanted.. Seriously lady.. you have to ask me that???? YES GIVE ME MUSIC AND BLARE IT IN MY EARS… She tells me “I have Journey on my phone” …. SOLD TO THE PANICKED LADY IN THE GOWN… So I put on the headphones and she slides me in the tunnel of doom… breath.. breath.. breath Shannon.. dammit, breath woman.. omg I’m gonna die because I’ve forgotten how to breath!!!!  “I turned the fan on in there.. is that good or do you want it on higher or lower?”… can’t this woman hear me screaming.. “FUCK THE FAN.. GET ME OUT“….. “umm yeah.. that’s good” I squeaked  out.  

So it starts… It sounds like a freaking Jack Hammer is going off in that machine.. it’s banging, pounding, shimmying, and twitching.. I try to keep my eye’s closed the whole time but I think the machine is collapsing in on me so I have to check.. OMG THE CEILING IS ALMOST TOUCHING MY NOSE.. I can’t breath.. wait.. I’m breathing too hard.. she comes on over the headphones “Your doing great.. try not to move, I’m getting great pictures.. you’ve only got 17 more minutes to go”… ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???? I’VE ONLY BEEN IN THIS TORTUROUS HELL FOR 3 MINUTES??? Shoot me please..

Steve Perry is singing.. “My city by the bay”… I’m singing it loudly in my head.. my body tense from not moving.. concentrating hard on not breathing to hard, but not holding my breath for the next 17 minutes either.  Oh my god oh my god oh my god.. the walls just moved in a little closer… I’m fucked!  “Only 10 more minutes to go” she chirps… “GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU RANCID WHORE” is what I would have said if I could have managed.. but all I got out was “K”…

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The next 10 minutes were sheer torture… my body covered in sweat even though it was negative 20 in the room.  My shoulder screaming at me at the way they had it secured down.  I had an itch on my knee I couldn’t get too… the fan was blowing my little short hairs in my face tickling it…. AND THE WALLS KEPT CLOSING IN ON ME.. SOMEONE PLEASE.. GET ME OUT.. GOD TAKE MY SOUL NOW.. LET ME OUT OF HERE… “All done.. coming to get you”.. OH THANK YOU JESUS.. and the angels sang out!!!!!!!!!!  The look on her face when she saw my face was kinda like Beaker there.. “OH honey.. your okay.. you did good and it’s all over.. and just remember this is the best test we can do to help find out what’s wrong with your shoulder”… as I’m wiping away the tears that are falling despite me trying my hardest to control them.  I get out and have my husband call me.. just the sound of his voice brings my blood pressure down a bit.  I get home.. bathe and take some meds… and tried desperately to not dream about being in a grave!

I like her way of thinking!!!!

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A couple weeks ago, my buddy Robert  challenged me to go back to the beginning of the blogs I liked and read…he suggested that I would more than likely find something I enjoyed but missed! I thought it was a great idea.

One of those gem-tastic moments happened when I was looking through Shannon’s blog and came across her tribute to Michael Caine.  You see, she has a thing for older men. The fact that he’s titled…”Sir Michael Caine “ and wealthy doesn’t hurt his cause, either. Here was my sticking point, though…she thinks he’s HANDSOME!!! Now don’t get me wrong…he’s not ugly. In fact, he’s quite distinguished…and a phenomenal actor. I’ve loved him in movies such as Noises Off!, Batman The Dark Knight and Miss Congeniality.

She loved him in Blame It On Rio…LOL! I think it might have been some of her adolescent fantasies come to light…

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Fuzzy Socks, comfort or a death trap

If your a woman.. you probably have a pair of fuzzy socks in your dresser.  We all have them.  We all love them.  They are so comfortable and warm and make your feet feel so good on those cold days.  But are these things that we normally take for comfort really that??? Just an article of clothing to make our feet warm and our souls warm??? Or are they DEATH TRAPS DISGUISED IN PRETTY COLORS AND SOFT MATERIAL????

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Day 369: Fuzzy Wuzzy

Day 369: Fuzzy Wuzzy (Photo credit: amanky)

Well I am here to warn you all.. they are dangerous.  They will kill us in an instant given the chance.  How do I know this??? I survived the horrific attack of my own personal fuzzy socks tonight!  I am so distraught, but I must tell you the story.  They too sucked me into believing that they were safe, in fact inviting.  I put them on to keep my little piggies warm and comfy.  I’ve had them on all day, which was their plan.. ya know.. suck me into a false security… then without warning.. they lodged their attack on me.  I walked into my kitchen to take my night medicine and my pain pill and the second my foot hit the floor it flew up from underneath me… almost as though someone pulled my foot up.  IT WAS THE SOCKS I TELL YOU!!!!  Next thing I know I’m on the floor.. and in pain!  I crawled out of the kitchen to the safety of the carpet!  I would call the cops on them, but it would come down to my word against theirs.  There is no evidence of the crime… so they have got away with it this time… but know this.. there will be no second chance!!!

Slipping on a Bananas Peel - Joe Sola and Mich...

Slipping on a Bananas Peel – Joe Sola and Michael Webster – Bananas at the Hammer (Photo credit: Marshall Astor – Food Fetishist)

yeah.. that was me.. except I fell on my ass, not my face!