Yup.. that’s it. Really.. Just that.. okay.. so maybe there is something else. It’s a biggie though and I’ve been mulling it around in my brain for a month or so. It’s not to lose weight cause frankly.. been there, done that. It’s not to get in shape cause well I tried and now I have tremendous shoulder pain from it. Nope.. it’s bigger. Its something I have to do before not doing it kills me. Okay.. you ready for it? I’m going to be happy! There, whew.. it was hard to say but I’m gonna do it.
For my entire life I’ve been searching for happiness.. always relying on others to make me happy. But happiness never came, at least not for long. Everyone in my life has let me down, to include myself, and it has made me angry and truly unhappy. I will admit that several times this year my thoughts have turned suicidal and my therapist has been seriously considering admitting me but know that I would just freak out more because I’d be missing work and frankly our financial situation is a big factor in my current mental state. This last year has been extremely difficult for me on so many different levels. I had 2 surgeries in 2011.. one major one in May, then an emergency one in August followed by another emergency one in this past February. My body is tired and plum worn out. I was suppose to have been scheduled for a MAJOR one this coming month but it has yet to be scheduled (I think maybe divine intervention) and now with my shoulder hurting like it is I’m seeing a surgery to repair it. I can’t ever heal properly if I walk around in a constant state of anger. It’s just not possible.
I’ve noticed over the last couple of weeks I have felt better since I’ve decided to just be happy. Yeah, I still have my angry moments. I see friends on FB who have everything and the appearance is their lives are fucking perfect and even though I’m happy for them, it just adds to my anger on how much has gone wrong in my own life. We see them taking vacations, buying cars and homes, their kids doing amazing things and I think “why can’t my kids ever get that kind of break?” or “Why can’t I have those things, I work my ass off”… and well.. I just have to stop thinking like that. I have to accept the fact that I will never give the kids the lives I want too. They aren’t going to be able to play every sport, or go into dance or go to the amusement parks every summer. Nope, they aren’t going to have the safety of living in a great neighborhood with a great house. They aren’t going to get brand new or even nice used cars for their 16th birthdays with big bows on them. What they are going to get is a mother who would die for them. One who works her ass off so they can at least have clothes on their backs, shoe’s on their feet and the medical attention they need when/if they need it. Our apartment may be roach infested ghetto hell, but it’s filled with love and laughter and they each have their own rooms and their own stuff. We at least have a roof over our head (for now at least.. now come March that may be a different story) and we have groceries.
So this year I’m going to do what my sister Nikki has been telling me for years.. (yes I am that hard headed). I’m going to depend on myself for my own happiness and forget the rest of the world. I’m always going to have haters, and I’m always going to expect too much out of those I love just to be let down again (and no its not that they do it on purpose.. it’s just me).. so this year I’m going to try my hardest to look at things differently. If we are stuck here in the ghetto for another year… okay.. that’s fine. I have a home.. I have electricity and food… If my daughter has to quit her Tae Kwon Do at a brown belt instead of being able to go all the way to the black belt.. well… at least she got to the brown belt and I will tell her there’s more time to finish her dreams. When my husbands piece of crap car dies yet again costing us more then it’s fucking worth… well at least we have my car… See.. I’m going to try to find some happiness in every situation every day…
Saying all of this is bringing my blah’s back so I guess I should wrap it up.
Happy New Year Bloggers..