Lacy’s Journal

Well, I didn’t respond to Jackson’s text messages for a couple of days but I couldn’t avoid him forever.  I had to see him.  I wanted to see him.  I had to tell him that I couldn’t do this, it’s wrong.  I love my husband, I really do.  I am just really lonely right now and it’s too easy to give into it.  I should have known better then to agree to see him.

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I texted him Tuesday night after ignoring him for 3 days and agree’d to meet him for lunch at our normal place.  I thought being in a public place I’d be safe.  At first it went okay, we sat down and through the uneasiness managed to make small talk.  He apologized again for kissing me and told me he has just felt so  drawn to me and he just couldn’t help himself.  I told him it was okay, that I was drawn to him too but the fact is I’m married.  I can’t do this to my husband, no matter what is going on in our marriage.  He said he understood and that he would try his hardest to behave himself just please don’t stop talking to him.  He really does see me as his best friend.

After that we enjoyed lunch and just talked like we use too.  He told me how the rest of the party went and how a few people ended up passing out at his house and that it took him forever to get it cleaned Sunday.  He said he gets to go back out on the beat in 4 weeks if all goes well.  He told me he really liked Craig, well.. if he wasn’t married to me he’d really like him but right now he’s really jealous of him.  I told him to stop and he just laughed… his smile is so contagious.  He walked me to my car and I gave him a hug goodbye and tried to tell him that I thought it’d be best if we didn’t have lunch again when our faces were so close and you could feel the electricity and DAMN IT ALL TO HELL… I kissed him!!!!  What am I doing?? What am I getting myself into????  I can’t do this.. I gotta stop… I texted him today and told him we can’t do this… and then I got flowers and candy sent to me at work with a note that said… “That kiss said it all”……

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Trapped like a Rat

So yesterday I had a complete and total bi-polar moment.  God gave me yet another test and yet again I failed it completely.  I wonder if God will ever get the hint that I’m too much of a loser and an idiot to figure out how to pass his little tests and just stop giving them to me?  Let me tell you what happened.. and you’ll either for sorry for me that I’m trapped in this brain I have or you’ll hate me and tell me off.. either way.. whatever..

I’ve mentioned before that I am made to suffer for having to live in a roach infested, broken down ghetto ass apartment simple because no matter how hard we work, how many extra hours we put in, no matter what we do we cannot get ahead in this world (Like so many others), so we stay where we can.  I know I know.. at least we have a roof over our heads.. I’ve heard all the “It could be so much worse” speeches and honestly I’m sick of them.  I’m sick of being made to feel even guiltier then I already do because I’m not thankful that I get to pay a small fortune every month to live with roaches and spiders and bed bugs.

I wish they were this cute.. but they aren't.. they are gross and disgusting.

I wish they were this cute.. but they aren’t.. they are gross and disgusting.

Anyways we spoke to the pest control guy last week and he said he was coming on Monday and to get everything out of the cabinets and he’ll come spray us again.  We were just sprayed a couple of weeks ago but there are some nasty ass people living in the buildings who don’t clean and don’t throw their trash out and the roaches have taken over.  So Sunday night Rob takes everything out and even took off work Monday so he could be at home with the cats while they came and sprayed.  Well when the guy hadn’t shown up by 3 Rob went downstairs to the office and asked if he was still coming, “Yes” they told him, “by5”.  5 rolls around, no bug guy.  We can’t cook dinner because everything is on the kitchen table and the guy is suppose to be coming and we won’t be able to cook after for hours because of the spray so we order pizza.. that’s $25 we don’t have but hey, what are you going to do?  So we eat and 6:30 comes around and no bug guy.  Rob goes downstairs and is told that he isn’t going to make it to us.. sooo we have to put everything up and we are out the pizza money that we will not be reimbursed for… and my mood drops, big time!  I’m so sick of roaches and bugs.. I’m at my breaking point.

Then Rob informs me that we are going to be inspected again today.  WHAT??? WHAT THE HELL FOR?  WE WERE JUST INSPECTED 2 WEEKS AGO AND PASSED AND A MONTH BEFORE THEN AND PASSED A COUPLE OF MONTHS BEFORE THEN AND PASSED?  He tells me that because we are one of the 2 cleanest apartments in the building we go chose because the big wigs are coming to see the complex.  WELL LET THEM SEE THE NASTY ASS FUCKERS WHO DON’T CLEAN AND ARE MAKING MY LIFE A LIVING HELL INSTEAD OF US…But no.. they are coming to my apartment… mood drops to the bottom of hell and the fury rises and the anger takes over.  The straw snapped.  I lost it.

I tell the kids I’m finding a job in another state and moving the fuck out of this hell and I tell Rob he can either come with me or stay here. I don’t give a fuck.  I can’t do this anymore.  3 years of hell, I’ve had enough.  Life wins, I’m a loser, I get it..  Shelby informs me she wants to stay, Jon asks if I’m really moving and I say yes.. I just can’t do this state anymore.. he gets upset.. I want to finish high school here (he’s in the 10th grade)… so then reality hits that a) I can’t afford to move anyways and b) the kids don’t want to start over yet again… TRAPPED.

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I decide to get in the tub before my mouth ruins everything.. I sit down and the weight of the world is crushing me and I take off my wedding rings and throw them across the bathroom because frankly I wanted to throw things and break things and scream and yell but couldn’t so I figured this wouldn’t hurt anyone if I did this.. WRONG AGAIN LOSER ASS… I broke my engagement ring… that’s it.. I’m spiraling out of control now.

I get out and go to bed and Rob comes in and puts his arms around me and I cover my face.  I want to hide from him, especially him.  He tries to pull my hands away and asks why I’m covering my face.  I tell him “because I can’t hide behind my short hair”… he says I don’t need to hide.. but I do.  I have to hide or I’ll hurt someone with my words, my anger.  I finally break and tell him.. “You have to leave me.. I’m ruining your life.  You’d be so much better off without me, without my bad luck and cursed life.. that I have to get out of here.. Virginia is killing my love for him, for life for everything”… I know it hurt him to hear it.. but he wanted to know.. then I feel even worse… I tell him how I broke my ring.. he tells me we’ll get it fixed but we don’t have the money for that.. besides, buying him a new band is more important then getting my engagement ring fixed.  I just take some Percocets and put an end to my physical pain and went to sleep…

Unfortunately those meds don’t take away the mental pain.. the turmoil in the head and heart.. the dreams sucked.. the sleep unrestful.. and the morning only brings the realization that I am a failure.. I have failed at life.. I have failed all of Gods test..Yes I may have love.. but I don’t have anything else.  Nothing to leave my kids or to help their lives be better while I am here.. nothing to give to my husband.. at least nothing that seems to help him… today I feel trapped in this life and I really just want to leave it. … I’m ready for it all to be over.. I’m tired of feeling guilty, of feeling like a failure.. and don’t tell me how I’m not.. I hear all the time how I’m not.. that doesn’t change how I feel.. kinda like I still feel like I’m a fat cow… even though I weigh 149, instead of the 270 I use too… telling me isn’t going to change my brain..

I’m sorry to those who were pulling for me on my New Years Resolution too.. I failed that and you…

The Walking Dead Review/Recap

So it’s that time again. I’m going to call it early and say I think Andrea is going to come back to the group. I also think that Tyrese will be back too.

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Now saying that it begins with the group talking about what to do. They‘ve got Merle locked up in the other room. Even though they dont want to believe it but Merle is telling the the truth.  Hershel tells Rick that he put his life in his hands.. that he needs to do something.  Rick heads outdoors to survey the woods surrounding the prison when Carl comes out and tells him he should stop being the leader, that he deserves a break.  I think Carl see’s that his dad is losing his grip on his humanity.  I don’t think however that Rick will step down, he has to be the leader, he’s made that known from the beginning.

Milton is filling the doctor in on the statistics of the group, giving them all side arms and ammo.  He is scared and preparing for a war.  Phillip of course is telling Andrea how the people she use to be with have changed, that they fired on the people of the town as they went to discuss things with them.  Andrea is telling him she is going to go see the people at the prison, he tells her if she goes to the prison to stay there.  Like I said, she’s seeig things the way they really are now and I do belive that she will be going back to the group.

Rick is informing the group of what is going on out in the yard.  Glenn is still having a very hard time dealing with Merle being there.  Glenn thinks that by giving the Governor Merle back that it would cause a truce.  He doesn’t realize that Phillip is not the type to deal on the up and up.  Hershel goes to talk to Merle, my guess is to figure him out.  He starts speaking of the bible to Merle who surprisingly knows the passage.  Merle tells him how the Governor returns he will kill him first, then Michonne and Daryl and everyone else leaving Rick for last so he can watch his entire family die.  I think Herschel is seeing just how bad he is.

Phillip is trying to raise an army, to include every man woman and child.  Even a 14 year old boy with Asthma.  Andrea is def  seeing the light.

Carol is very glad that Daryl is back.  She’s telling him how Merle is just not good for him.  I really hope that Daryl see’s he loves her.  But, then again I kind of enjoy the sexual tension between them.

Andrea is enlisting the help of Melvin to get out of Woodbury so she can get to the prison to talk to the group.  We know she gets out so he must help her.  Phillip is not dealing well with the disfiguring of his face.  Milton went to Phillip and told him that she wants to go back to the prison.

Okay, we have Milton and Andrea dismembering a walker, she’s taking Michonne’s idea and making them her pet.  I will say the scene where she was cutting his arms off, you could tell it was fake!  SEE.. SEE.. I told you how it was going to be.. Tyrese is back.  He killed a walker coming up on Andrea.

Glenn is trying to talk to Michonne and make it water under the bridge.  The sad thing is I think Merle would throw them all under the bus in a heartbeat.  I hope I’m wrong on this one but I don’t see him being a good guy.

Milton offers to take the group to the town.  Andrea heads to the prison with her pet.

Carl is the first to see Andrea but he doesn’t realize it’s her.  He alerts Maggie who aims a gun and see’s it’s her.  Andrea has always been a bad ass at taking on the walkers.. just stupid in the decisions she makes.  The team comes out to get to her, and pats her down, guns trained on her.  They are not taking any chances with her.  Once they see she is alone the others come out to see her.  Rick brings her insde where everyone comes and hugs her.  Carol tells her they thought she was dead.  She asks about Shane, and then Lorri.  Herschel tells her that Lorri had a girl but didn’t survive.  She tells Rick that she’s not enemy when he won’t let her in the cell block.  Rick tells her what really happened.  She’s trying to bring everyone together but Rick tells her flat out there is nothing to work out, that they are going to kill him.  Merle tells her she knows better then them being able to go to Woodbury.  Daryl tells her the next time she see’s Phillip, he’s going to take his other eye.  She’s telling them that he has a whole town against them.  Rick tells her if she won’t help them get in the town they have nothing to talk about and leaves.

I really hope they don’t drag out this story line forever.  I’m actually kinda ready for the town and the Governor to be over already.

Michonne and Andrea go outside.  She tells Michonne that she poisoned them.  She’s telling Michonne that she’s trying to save the group.  Michonne tells her that he sent Merle to kill her, that he would have killed her too if she would have came with her.  She tells her that’s why she went back to Woodbury, to expose who he really was.  She knew it would hurt her but it had to be done.  Andrea is left there crying.

Phillip is welcoming Tyrese and his gang to the town.  He tells them that they were attacked by some bad people out there.  Phillip tells them to avoid a certain road but they said they just came from there.  They said they’d been that way and ran into a whack job at the prison.  that the group seemed nice but then Rick came and put a gun on them and told them to leave.  Phillip and Milton start to talk to them about the prison.  Hopefully they will see through him quickly.

Andrea come ups the stairs to meet Lil Asskicker, Judith.  When Carol tells her the name Andrea says “Let me guess, Daryl named her”  Carol is telling Andrea what happened to everyone, and how he killed Shane. Andrea tells her that Rick has become cold.  Carol flat out tells her that she needs to sleep with Phillip, give him the greatest night of his life and while his guard is down she could end it all.  Go Carol!  When Andrea is leaving Rick gives her a gun and tells her to be careful.  She see’s them all in her review mirror.  Hopefully her conscious will wreak havoc on her.

Andrea comes back to the town in the car the group gave her.  She pulls up to the people on the wall holding guns to her.  She goes in to see Phillip and tells him that she went to the prison and that Michonne and Merle are there.  She’s telling him that she came back on her own, he asks why and she can’t talk.  He says “because you belong here” and she agree’s with him.

The group at the prison are just sitting around.  Beth starts singing a song (yay I remembered her name this time)!  Rick is holding the baby, which is really nice to see for once.  There is something about a man holding a baby.. just melts the heart.  Rick tells them he is going on a run tomorrow, and that he’s glad Daryl is back.  Daryl says he’ll go with him but he tells him no, stay and watch his brother.  That he’ll take Michonne and Carl, that Carl is ready.  Looks like Rick is back.   I don’t think he’s done seeing Lorri.

Andrea is in bed with Phillip but of course doesn’t kill him. we almost see her ass.. and from what we see it’s very nice.  She takes a knife over to the bed but can’t kill him.  Fact is, I think she loves him.  Why wouldn’t she?  She loves a man in charge and he’s the biggest fish around.. for now

 

Next week looks awesome!

 

I know what I’d do

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I posted this on Facebook but decided to show it on here, simply because some of my friends on FB get offended too easily… So I couldn’t say exactly what I wanted too there.

What would I do?  Well.. first I’d go pee standing up!!! The next thing I’d do is tell my husband how I just know he really truly wanted some tube steak for breakfast as I shoved my new found toy in his face until he abide my wishes..  Then I’d push his knee’s up to his ears and I’d ram that shit so far in he’d feel like I was trying to reach his tonsils.  Then I’d call in sick to work, lay on the couch and just play with my johnson all day!  It would be a perfect day!

What would you do?

My Superman

In my previous post I talked about Vince, my friend who passed away a couple of years ago.  Well now I think it’s only fair if I tell you about the newer man in my life who has been there through thick and thin (literally).  Who has been my Superman since 2007.  My husband, Robert Nelson.

On June 10, 2007 I had finally reached my breaking point and left my abusive ex-husband.  I had already been packing my stuff and getting ready to leave him for a month, I was trying to find an apartment for me and the kids and when I found one I had to wait on it to be ready to move in.  While waiting for it my ex really just didn’t handle my impending move very well at all and completely lost it one night, beating me in the side with the bedroom door, leaving bruises on my side.  He followed me everywhere in the house screaming in my ear, not leaving me alone for 2 seconds.  It was so bad my sister in law Susan who was there began yelling at my ex to leave me alone and just back off.  Well after it exploded and the cops were called I managed to load my car up with anything I could fit in it.  I called Rob, (we were friends at the time) and told him what had happened.  Now Rob had known for awhile about the abuse and had been begging me to get out before he killed me.  When I called him he told me to go to a Hotel, that he would pay for it.. and that he was coming to Texas to help me.  He jumped on a plane and was there early the next morning.  He rented a UHaul truck for me and went back to the house to help me and my sister in law and my niece load everything up and get it out and to a storage unit.  He was forever then branded my Superman!

superman

Fast forward to September 13, 2008 Hurricane Ike, a category 5 storm, was bearing down on Houston.  I was living alone in my apartment with my 2 kids.  Their sperm donor did nothing to see if we were okay, or prepared for the storm, or if we needed anything.  We were left to ride through it alone.  Knowing how scared I was to go through the storm alone, Rob jumped on the last plane into Houston and came to ride the storm out with us!  I was so thankful that he was there and I wasn’t alone.  It was a very scary storm and did massive amounts of damage.  Luckily we managed to survive it with no injuries, no damage.  We spent several days without power but that was it.

When Rob and I married I weighed a hefty 250lbs.  On May 23, 2011 I underwent the scaple for the gastric bypass surgery.  1 1/2 years later I now weigh 147lbs.  This is where the “through thick and thin” comes in.  No matter what weight I am at he constantly tells me how beautiful I am, how much he loves me and needs me.  He always does so many little things for me, like the laundry, or cooking dinner when I can’t eat or don’t want too.  He rubs my feet when they need lotion, he rubs my shoulders when they hurt.. he scratches my back because I can no longer put my arm behind my back to do it myself..stupid frozen shoulder!

I have been lucky enough in this life to be blessed with 2 men who would do anything for me, and lucky enough to have married one of them.  We have our problems, we have our fights but we never ever have to wonder if the other really loves us or not.  We know we are both loved.

On My Mind

The other day I went into a place to pick up some lunch and I saw a man standing in line who looked so much like a someone I used to know, and love.  Someone I miss all the time, someone I find myself thinking about and not even realize that I’d been thinking about him.  His name was Vince and he’d been in my life for so long I just never imagined life without him, until just shy of 3 years ago when he succumbed to cancer.  He was a separate life for me.  We didn’t have the same friends, he never met my family, he was mine and only mine and I kept him that way.  Maybe it was my own insecurities that kept him apart from the rest of me, maybe it was because when we met I was underage and he was an adult and I always feared getting in trouble or getting him in trouble even after adulthood.  Maybe because he went his way and I went mine for many years even though we still stayed in contact on the phone, and then email.  Who knows, all I know was if I ever needed him for anything, an ear to talk too, a shoulder to cry on, a friend w/ benefits… he was always there.  Always willing and able to do or say whatever I needed at that moment.

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For reasons of my own I’ve kept my mourning of him to myself as much as I possibly could.  I’ve cried in the shower, or when I was out on a run.  I spent nights sitting in bed when Rob was at work and the kids were sleeping, just sitting in the bed remembering.  Laughing at the funny things, crying at the sad things, telling the air that it wasn’t fair that he and my mom were both gone now!  I’ve yelled at God many times asking him Why????? Of course I don’t get a reply, just silence that tries to fill the empty spaces both of these people left in me.

Anyways I was sitting here thinking of him and some of the times we’ve had and honestly, how badly I wish I could pick up the phone and call him.  To hear him tell me to buck up buttercup one more time, or to hear him ask me “Whose got your panties all bunched up this time?”.  To hear Mon Amour again…To hear him sing Journey “Send her my love” again..he was my best friend for decades and now he’s gone.  So I thought I’d share a memory of how great he could be, (I say could be because even though my memories may paint him a saint, he was far from it and could bring me to tears just as easily as he could laughter)…

 

It was 1997, after 22 hours of labor I gave birth via emergency c-section to my first child, my son Jonathan.  A week before he was born my then husband lifted some heavy crap and had to have an emergency hernia surgery so of course even though I was 9 1/2 months pregnant it became all about him and his needs and his pain.   BUT this isn’t a story about him so screw him!  A few hours after he was born my ex decided to go home w/ his mom and dad so he could get some rest (ya know cause sleeping in the recliner all night was taxing on him).. and I was left alone!  My doctor came in that evening and told me I would be staying for 4 days so just get comfy and try to get some rest while the baby was in the nursery.  I called my husband and asked when he would be back to see me, he said whenever I got out because he couldn’t drive yet and didn’t want his dad to have to drive him all the way to Clear Lake!!!  (Yeah.. see why he’s an ex now?)  Sitting in my room all alone with nobody celebrating my son’s birth or checking on me (my family was in Fla and it was too much for them to come see me) I started crying.  The next day I got to get up and walk around and everyone on the floor had flowers that filled their rooms, people cooing over their new bundles of joy and I was alone.  I got back into my bed and they brought my pride and joy to me and left us alone.  So I called Vince.  My voice quivering gave me away before I said anything more then hi.  He asked was the baby ok because he knew I was due any day and I told him yes and that I’d had surgery and was in the hospital and would be for a few more days and no one was coming to see me and I was lonely and just wanted to hear his voice.  We talked for about 30 minutes and when I hung up my heart hurt.  I wanted to be with him at that moment and I wanted that baby to be his, but I wasn’t and the baby’s father was too busy thinking of himself 30 miles away.

At around 4:30 that day my door opened and I expected it to be the nurse but to my complete surprise and joy it was Vince.  He’d hopped on a plane and flew to Houston to see me!  He asked if it was safe to come in and I said yeah, nobody would be there to see me.  He came in and picked up Jonathan and kissed him and kissed my cheek and told me how beautiful we both were.  He climbed into the bed with me and wrapped his arm around me and let me cry.  We talked and laughed until the night nurse came in to tell him that visiting hours were over.  I explained that he flew in to see me and nobody else was coming to see me and asked if he could stay.  She smiled and said yes, that she’d be my nurse that night anyways and nobody else would know.  He stayed with me all night and most of the next day before he had to leave and get home for work.

Fast forward 5 1/2 years and to my surprise he showed up at the hospital when I had my daughter.  She was planned and I had already told him what day she’d be delivered and what hospital.  He sat in the waiting room until all my in laws left (I actually had people come see me with her) and came in and saw me.  He went with me to the NICU to see her and he kissed her cheek and told me she was perfect.  He left that day but we remained in contact.

Forward time a couple more years and I went in to have a hysterectomy.  It was at the same hospital as the one Shelby was born in, so he knew where and how to get there.  I had my surgery and got in a reg room several hours later.  I spent 4 days in the hospital with that one and on day 2 he showed up yet again, this time he stayed over night with me again.  We lied to the nurse (we called her nurse ballbuster cause she was horrible) and told her that he was my husband.  She didn’t know any better so screw her!  He walked the halls with me, helping me with the pain.  He told me I didn’t have to go back to the hell I was in, that I could grab the kids and go with him, but I couldn’t.  Timing was never our friend.

Some days I think about the last time I spent hours with him.. the last time I talked to him… the last time I hugged his neck… some days I think about how when I felt completely alone in the world he’d be there.  Some days I get so mad that he left me, other days I’m thankful he’s no longer in pain.  I know my husband isn’t overly fond of him, which is why I keep most of this in.. but I also know that he now understands that he was more then just a roll in the hay to me.. he was my friend.  I hope that Rob isn’t too upset with this blog down memory lane but I just felt like I needed to tell the stories.  Maybe I’ll tell more later on… I’ve already blogged about the food fight in Mc Donalds with him.. maybe I’ll tell you about the strip club, or the weekend getaways… maybe…

 

 

Another reason why the Zombie’s can’t happen

The other night I had a horrific nightmare that truly scared the crap out of me.  It was about Zombies and it lasted maybe 10 seconds, but 10 seconds in a world where I will fear like that was enough.  So here is my next reason on why the Zombie Apocalypse cannot happen.

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My husband and I were laying in our bed sleeping and I heard a noise and looked up at the wall behind us (now there is no space between the wall and the bed so there is no way this could of happened but in that split second my mind didn’t remember that), anyways I looked up and there was this female Zombie standing right over me about to bite my head.  She was just so nasty looking, words are hard to describe it all.  Her skin was pulled away and dangling from her face, her exposed teeth covered in a red/brown goo, her hair matted with what I assumed was blood, the smell of death and decay filled my nostrils.  I saw her and too the side of the bed I saw a male Zombie standing over Rob going in for the kill on my slumbering partner and I wanted to scream but it was too late…I guess I really do love my husband because my thought wasn’t “Oh my God I’m fixing to die”… nope.. it was.. “Oh my God he’s fixing to kill Rob.. I need to save him”….

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I woke up with a jolt and my head in the direction of my dream saw two dark shadows on the wall and by the bed and for a nanosecond I was still locked in that fear… then reality sank back in and I heard the snoring of my husband and knew we were safe and it was just a dream.  My first impulse was to beat up Rob since he’s the one constantly talking about the impending Apocalypse… but I let him sleep.

I won’t live my life in fear of it happening, but I will always hold a fear in the back of my mind that it is possible.  And that my friends just sucks ass!