So umm.. yeah.. yay me! I survived Valentines Day, but not without a casualty. I guess I should start from the beginning on explaining this to everyone. I’m jaded. I’ve been jaded for a very long time on a lot of things in this world because of a few stupid angry hurtful men, and no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to shake the words and voices of the past. My current husband has gone through great lengths to show me and prove to me how much he loves me, how beautiful he thinks I am and how to him I’m worth the world, and most days I know it but there a few days in the year that even with everything he’s done to help me make those bad voices go away… they still win. And yesterday was on of those days. Taking a step back and looking at it I see that I ruined his day. I was selfish in my self hatred and that hurts him. I don’t do it on purpose, and I really do work very hard at not doing that.. but yesterday I failed. I’m like an alcoholic who has a 30 day chip and slips… I have to start over from scratch again.
Last week we went to Kohls to get him some very badly needed new work shoes and I decided to see if they had the Paula Deen pans (the red speckled ones) that I’ve been wanting for awhile. We looked all over but couldn’t find hers, we found Rachel Ray and several other Food Network people but not hers. My luck I know. Well we left and I didn’t think anything else of it, but not my loving adoring husband. Nope, he got on Amazon and bought them that day and surprised me with them a couple of days later.
Then a couple of days later (and in my defense I’ve been sick and cranky for days and this was at the onset of it) I was laying on the couch watching TV blowing my nose every 5 seconds when a commercial came on for Russell Stovers chocolates.. “If you really love her, you’d buy her Russell Stovers for Valentines Day” to which I said “If you loved me, you wouldn’t buy me Russell Stovers for Valentines Day” not really thinking about anything. Rob goes “Why?” and I tell him I don’t like Russell Stovers, it’s waxy. Then I asked him “Why, did you buy me Russell Stovers?” to which he replied, “yes” and brought out a big heart shaped box of chocolates. I felt bad for him but it was kinda funny. This show’s you how much he loves me and really does try to make me feel wanted and loved and worthy.
Well as Valentines day approached I felt my mood slipping further and further down. I tried to fight it. I thanked Rob for the chocolates and told him he didn’t have to get me anything else, I really didn’t want anything else. I know people are probably thinking.. Oh she wanted something, every woman wants something for VDay… but I truly did not want ANYTHING.. I just wanted the day to be over. So I get to work yesterday (I’ve mentioned before I work with all men and now 1 woman) and no less then 20 guys made the comment “Where’s your flowers?” or “What.. you didn’t get any flowers today”… just really hammering in those already bad feelings I carry for that stupid holiday. I just replied.. Nope because I didn’t feel like explaining to every single freaking person that my husband doesn’t need to buy me flowers and candy to prove his love for me he proves it every other day of the year…but by time I got home.. I was miserable in my own self wallowing. I walked in and saw a dozen roses and a big bag on the table. I opened it to find several different kinds of dark Chocolates. I kissed him and thanked him and he told me that he had already told me he was going to replace the other chocolates. I could tell by his body language that my mood ruined his day, but sometimes the weight of my own bullying on myself outweighs everyone else.
We sat on the bed last night and talked about several issue’s, to include neither of us being happy with our lives (I will say it’s not that we aren’t happy with each other just with everything in this world trying it’s hardest to pull us apart and ruin us for last 5 years is really showing the strains). Tears fell, but in the end it felt better to get it out. I fell asleep last night wrapped in his arms which was the best thing I could have gotten for Valentines Day.
Today I am a little better but I still hear the “Your not worthy” voices in my head. I’m still fighting them, still trying to make them go away, I always will fight them no matter what. But for today I feel like yesterday was a major test I had to take and now that it’s over I can breath a little better. I asked my husband out on a date tonight so we are going to go out and enjoy each other’s company and try to shut the world out.
I want to publicly apologize to Robert Nelson for ruining his day, the day he tried to show me how much he loves me. Maybe one day I’ll be able to apologize to myself for the mean horrible things I tell myself everyday, until then I’m glad that I have him to lean on.