Well the party was… well… lets see here… We got there and the house looked great. My nerves were shot from the get go and I didn’t know why at first. I mean I’ve done nothing wrong with Jackson but the thought of Craig and him meeting really had me nervous. When we went in I noticed Debra from work was there so that was good. I didn’t realize that she knew him as well as she did, I mean I knew she talked about him needing friends but what she neglected to tell me was he is her God-son. Sneaky sneaky. Craig I think relaxed a little when he saw her, he knows her from office parties. There were lots of cops there, I think half the department was there. I worried that someone would mention me being at the hospital with Jackson but they didn’t. I have to remember to ask Jackson when, or if I see him again.
Beckie was there, she was one of the cops date. She looked like a tramp, as usual. At one point I was sitting on the couch next to Jackson and his friend Trey and Craig was standing by the couch behind me and that bitch made a comment about our lunch! ASSHOLE…. Yeah, Craig questioned that big time after the party. I told him that the 3 of us went to lunch and when Jackson didn’t take her up on her offer she got mad and left. He just laughed, he said she looked like a paid escort tonight. I told him she probably was.
I have to admit it, I drank a little more then I had planned on. I’ll chalk it up to nerves. I saw Craig talking to a few guys and decided I’d slip outside and get some fresh air and smoke a cigarette. He really doesn’t like it when I smoke but I love a good cig with alcohol. I was sitting on the bench in the back yard enjoying my vice when Jackson came out of nowhere, actually scared the shit out of me. He asked how I was enjoying myself and thanked me for helping him get ready for it. We talked for a few minutes and I heard Craig calling for me so I got up to go inside and Jackson stood up and the next thing I know …. he kissed me. I felt the sparks down to my toes. I should have pushed him away, I should have told him no…. I should have done anything except what I did. I kissed him back…. For a moment I forgot who I was, where I was, who I was with… then I heard Craig go back inside still calling for me. It was dark outside so he didn’t see me, at least I hoped he didn’t. After what seemed to be the longest most intense kiss I’ve felt in a very long time I finally found the strength to pull away and go inside.
When I got inside Beckie and her date were fighting with each other. Apparently he caught her rubbing up on one of the other cops and all hell broke loose. While we were watching it Jackson came in the back door. When he walked up to Craig I thought I was going to die! He asked Craig what was going on and the two of them stood there and had a convo and I was so scared/excited, confused. Craig came over to me and asked where I’d been then smelled the smoke and said “OH…” and gave me that condescending look he gives when he catches me smoking. Jackson got everyone to calm down and then told Beckie she had to leave, which she did screaming and yelling obscenities out the door. Then he joked that it’s not really a party til a fight breaks out.
We spent the next few hours mingling and drinking. Craig asked me why I was drinking so much.. I told him to just finally have a good time. He said okay, he’d be the DD and gave me the go ahead. I decided to go to the bathroom before we left and the one downstairs had someone in it throwing up it sounded like so I went upstairs to use the other one. When I opened the door to leave Jackson was standing there. He said he was sorry for kissing me like that but he just couldn’t control himself, that he’d wanted to kiss me for awhile. I told him I had to go. He begged me to forgive him and to please not stop being his friend. I told him I’d always be his friend and started to leave and when I walked passed him he put his arm up to stop me. He ran his fingers down my face and sent chills down my spine and kissed me on my cheek and said he was glad that we were friends. I wanted him.. I wanted him to touch me, to just take me to the room at the end of the hall and lay me in his bed and make love to me all night.. and it wasn’t the alcohol either… I want him…
We got ready to leave around 3 am. I’m really surprised that we stayed that long. Jackson shook Craig’s hand and gave me a short little hug and thanked us for coming and helping him celebrate his new house. Craig said he had fun and really liked everyone he met. He said Jackson seemed really cool. I didn’t know what to think or how to feel on that one.
God, what do I do now? I love my husband.. but I’m very lonely and it doesn’t matter what I say to Craig he doesn’t seem to want to do anything now to change it. I love him but I desire Jackson….. I should delete his number, block his calls, refuse to see him.. find a new job that’s nowhere near him….. I should.. but…