So yesterday I had a complete and total bi-polar moment. God gave me yet another test and yet again I failed it completely. I wonder if God will ever get the hint that I’m too much of a loser and an idiot to figure out how to pass his little tests and just stop giving them to me? Let me tell you what happened.. and you’ll either for sorry for me that I’m trapped in this brain I have or you’ll hate me and tell me off.. either way.. whatever..
I’ve mentioned before that I am made to suffer for having to live in a roach infested, broken down ghetto ass apartment simple because no matter how hard we work, how many extra hours we put in, no matter what we do we cannot get ahead in this world (Like so many others), so we stay where we can. I know I know.. at least we have a roof over our heads.. I’ve heard all the “It could be so much worse” speeches and honestly I’m sick of them. I’m sick of being made to feel even guiltier then I already do because I’m not thankful that I get to pay a small fortune every month to live with roaches and spiders and bed bugs.
Anyways we spoke to the pest control guy last week and he said he was coming on Monday and to get everything out of the cabinets and he’ll come spray us again. We were just sprayed a couple of weeks ago but there are some nasty ass people living in the buildings who don’t clean and don’t throw their trash out and the roaches have taken over. So Sunday night Rob takes everything out and even took off work Monday so he could be at home with the cats while they came and sprayed. Well when the guy hadn’t shown up by 3 Rob went downstairs to the office and asked if he was still coming, “Yes” they told him, “by5”. 5 rolls around, no bug guy. We can’t cook dinner because everything is on the kitchen table and the guy is suppose to be coming and we won’t be able to cook after for hours because of the spray so we order pizza.. that’s $25 we don’t have but hey, what are you going to do? So we eat and 6:30 comes around and no bug guy. Rob goes downstairs and is told that he isn’t going to make it to us.. sooo we have to put everything up and we are out the pizza money that we will not be reimbursed for… and my mood drops, big time! I’m so sick of roaches and bugs.. I’m at my breaking point.
Then Rob informs me that we are going to be inspected again today. WHAT??? WHAT THE HELL FOR? WE WERE JUST INSPECTED 2 WEEKS AGO AND PASSED AND A MONTH BEFORE THEN AND PASSED A COUPLE OF MONTHS BEFORE THEN AND PASSED? He tells me that because we are one of the 2 cleanest apartments in the building we go chose because the big wigs are coming to see the complex. WELL LET THEM SEE THE NASTY ASS FUCKERS WHO DON’T CLEAN AND ARE MAKING MY LIFE A LIVING HELL INSTEAD OF US…But no.. they are coming to my apartment… mood drops to the bottom of hell and the fury rises and the anger takes over. The straw snapped. I lost it.
I tell the kids I’m finding a job in another state and moving the fuck out of this hell and I tell Rob he can either come with me or stay here. I don’t give a fuck. I can’t do this anymore. 3 years of hell, I’ve had enough. Life wins, I’m a loser, I get it.. Shelby informs me she wants to stay, Jon asks if I’m really moving and I say yes.. I just can’t do this state anymore.. he gets upset.. I want to finish high school here (he’s in the 10th grade)… so then reality hits that a) I can’t afford to move anyways and b) the kids don’t want to start over yet again… TRAPPED.
I decide to get in the tub before my mouth ruins everything.. I sit down and the weight of the world is crushing me and I take off my wedding rings and throw them across the bathroom because frankly I wanted to throw things and break things and scream and yell but couldn’t so I figured this wouldn’t hurt anyone if I did this.. WRONG AGAIN LOSER ASS… I broke my engagement ring… that’s it.. I’m spiraling out of control now.
I get out and go to bed and Rob comes in and puts his arms around me and I cover my face. I want to hide from him, especially him. He tries to pull my hands away and asks why I’m covering my face. I tell him “because I can’t hide behind my short hair”… he says I don’t need to hide.. but I do. I have to hide or I’ll hurt someone with my words, my anger. I finally break and tell him.. “You have to leave me.. I’m ruining your life. You’d be so much better off without me, without my bad luck and cursed life.. that I have to get out of here.. Virginia is killing my love for him, for life for everything”… I know it hurt him to hear it.. but he wanted to know.. then I feel even worse… I tell him how I broke my ring.. he tells me we’ll get it fixed but we don’t have the money for that.. besides, buying him a new band is more important then getting my engagement ring fixed. I just take some Percocets and put an end to my physical pain and went to sleep…
Unfortunately those meds don’t take away the mental pain.. the turmoil in the head and heart.. the dreams sucked.. the sleep unrestful.. and the morning only brings the realization that I am a failure.. I have failed at life.. I have failed all of Gods test..Yes I may have love.. but I don’t have anything else. Nothing to leave my kids or to help their lives be better while I am here.. nothing to give to my husband.. at least nothing that seems to help him… today I feel trapped in this life and I really just want to leave it. … I’m ready for it all to be over.. I’m tired of feeling guilty, of feeling like a failure.. and don’t tell me how I’m not.. I hear all the time how I’m not.. that doesn’t change how I feel.. kinda like I still feel like I’m a fat cow… even though I weigh 149, instead of the 270 I use too… telling me isn’t going to change my brain..
I’m sorry to those who were pulling for me on my New Years Resolution too.. I failed that and you…