I started feeling very guilty so I went to Craig. I didn’t tell him about Jackson but I did tell him (Again) how very lonely I am. He hasn’t slept in the bed with me in weeks, he’s stayed all night at work claiming he fell asleep. He never touches me, never kisses me, never holds my hand. I flat out asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no, that he just hasn’t felt like himself lately. I asked him why he hasn’t done any of those things and he said it was just me, that I am just making it up.. that it hasn’t been like that at all. When I pointed out to him the last time we touched was that last weekend where he sent the kids away he argued with me and said that wasn’t. So if he’s remembering touching someone, it’s not me! I told him I was miserable and unhappy and something needed to change. He said he would try harder… then slept on the fucking couch again that night. It’s 4 days later, there’s been no kiss, no hug, no touch.. just “love you” as he leaves the house.
I talked to Jenna.. I love her so much.. she always makes me feel better when we talk. She said to go for it with Jackson. She said that if Craig isn’t willing to see things as they are then just go make myself happy. She’s never cared to much for Craig anyways but she is making valid points. I’ve told Craig twice now how I felt, how he is making me feel and he’s doing nothing to change it. I don’t want a divorce but I don’t want to be unhappy and sexually frustrated either.
So I had lunch with Jackson today. When his fingers touch my skin it’s like lightning striking. I know I don’t love him, well not in the way I love Craig.. I’m in love with Craig even though he’s being an asshole, but I do love Jackson. There is a serious sexual attraction between us. We spent the hour in his truck at the park. He wants to make love to me, well actually his words were “I want to devour your body”… I told him as much as I want that I just haven’t quite got to that point. He told me he’d wait as long as it took, he wasn’t going anywhere. He said that just being able to be near me is enough for him now. Unlike my husband who can’t seem to find 5 minutes of his day to spend with me.
I joined a boot camp club that meets in the park on Saturdays. It’s a 3 hour camp every Saturday I told Jackson about and he said count him in, he needed to get back into shape, that sitting around recovering was making him fat.. there isn’t an ounce of fat on him. I told Craig I joined it too and asked if he wanted to join and he said “HA.. um no”…. never ever wants to do anything with me….ugh.. I guess after the camp we are going to go to lunch then who knows what….Maybe I’ll do just what Jenna said too… Make myself happy!