So if you follow me.. then you know I’m bi-polar, and I hate it. I take my meds daily to try to control the mood swings but honestly.. they only seem to keep the panic attacks away.. they aren’t controlling the swings. For the last couple of weeks I’ve felt the chains that pull me in so many different directions getting tighter and tighter.. the thoughts growing louder and louder in my head, to the point of waking me several times a night. These growing weeds in my mind are even sneaking and snaking their way into my dreams.. Right now I feel so confused and lonely. I’m surrounded by people all day and all night yet I feel all alone. I do believe sometimes I am insane. Why? Because I feel alone when I’m around people and I’m wanting them to leave me alone so I can be as alone as I feel… see.. I’m crazy. Sometimes a single thought will invade my head and burrow it’s way through and then it will spout talons and firmly grip itself in my brain… and just like the flower that grows towards the sun, this thought grows trying to reach the outside by filling up the inside. I just want to say what it is so I can get it out.. but my mouth won’t let the words out. I want to give in and give up, but my upbringing wont let me do that either.. so I’m trapped in my own head. My husband can feel how distant I am, I can see that he does. He’s trying to be close to me but right now, at this moment.. it’s too late. My draw bridge is up and the sharks with frickin laser beams attached to their frickin heads have been released into my moat to keep anyone and everyone away from me.
I think that this is my own protection as well as my own self destruction. It’s my protection because I know that I cannot say the things I want too because it would hurt those around me too much to hear it all.. so I keep it inside..thus protecting me from hurting them.. but because I can’t get it out it’s my self destruction. It’s a VICIOUS cycle. … and I truly hate it.
anger anger go away…