Well the last night on the Island was amazing.. simply amazing.. we spent the entire night wrapped in each others arms, making love and exploring each other completely. It felt so perfect.. I never wanted it to end. We got up and out of bed the next morning and went for one last swim before we had to get washed up and ready to fly home.. home.. it should be a comforting thought but for me it felt like some place I never wanted to go to again.. I didn’t know why I felt like that or even understood why I felt like that.. until I got home…For all good things must come to an end…that’s the thought that kept running through my head.
We flew home Sunday and I told Jackson I’d see him Monday and kissed him goodbye. I had to get home to my kids, I missed them terribly.. and I had to tell Craig that one of us was going to have to move out.. I wasn’t expecting to see what I saw.
When I was driving through town on my way home I noticed Craig walking down the street with a woman I recognized from his work. So of course I pulled over and watched them.. then what I saw just knocked the wind out of me.. she was pushing a stroller and when they stopped Craig took a small infant out of the stroller and hugged and kissed it and laid it on his shoulder. I grabbed my phone and started snapping pictures.. the anger filling me up.. I knew it all in my heart.. even before he told me later.. I just sat there, in my car watching him with her.. his arm around her, kissing her cheek.. kissing the baby.. I watched this family out in public.. in the city we lived in..
I texted him from my car and told him I was on my way home and would see him in about 30 minutes. I watched him answer his phone and read his lying reply.. Okay.. see you when you get here.. I love you.. LIAR!!!!!!!!!!! How could he.. I raced home and told Brianna to take her siblings and go to the neighbors house and stay there until I called her. She started to argue with me until she saw the tears in my eyes.
Craig got home about 5 minutes after the kids left. He walked in and tried to hug but saw the hurt and anger in my eyes. I lifted my phone up and showed him the picture.. the color drained from his face, his shoulders sunk and he dropped to the floor and started crying. I wanted to hit him.. no kill him! After he stopped crying he told me everything.. he had an affair a YEAR ago.. when everything was fine between us.. well at the start of when it went south. He said it just kinda happened and that it was only a one time thing.. until he found out she was pregnant. Then he felt like he had to stay in her life… and then a month and half ago, the night he “fell asleep at work” was the night his son was born… his son.. the words slammed into my chest.. my heart shattered into a million pieces..
Yes I was guilty of having an affair.. but that was after months of being pushed away, left to feel lonely and abandoned. How dare he.. the anger that has taken over me is just indescribable. I hated him, to my very core. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow him whole. I wanted him to burn for ever in the fires of hell. I wanted to beat the shit out of him.. but my body wouldn’t comply with my mind. Instead it just sank to the floor in a weeping ball of mush. My husband of 16 years is the father to a newborn infant son.. that isn’t mine. Everything I’ve ever known is all wrong now. How do I tell my kids? How do I face the community? Our friends, our family?
He came over and tried to put his arms around me and I exploded. I started screaming at him to get out.. That’s all I could get out of my mouth.. He went upstairs, packed a couple of bags and told me before he left that he was very sorry.. he wished he could undo it all.. and he’d call to talk to the kids later… he closed the door and my world fell apart with it……….
Jenna came and got the kids for me..I need some time to process it. She said she’d come back over but I said no.. I need to be alone. Jackson has texted a dozen times.. but I can’t talk to him either.. I sent my boss an email requesting a medical leave of absence for a few days.. at least a week.. I vaguely explained it in the email.. she replied that was fine and understandable and to call if I needed anything..
What do I do now????? I just want to die.. I’m going to bed…