Lacy’s Journal

I got the kids off to school this morning and climbed back into bed.. I didn’t even know what day it was.. It felt like hours had passed when I heard the pounding on the door.  I just ignored it, I wanted them to go away.. whoever it was..just go away!!!  That’s when I heard the loud noise and Jackson’s voice calling out for me and his footsteps running throughout the house.. he came into the bedroom and found me laying on the bed, in a broken crumpled mess.

depressed-woman

He ran to me… placed his hands on my face and fell to his knee’s… “What’s wrong baby.. what’s wrong”…I couldn’t talk.. I couldn’t look at him.. I didn’t realize he was back in uniform.. He asked me if I’d taken anything but I still just couldn’t talk.. He tried to pick me up to take me to the hospital but I finally said no.. and just started crying.. and couldn’t stop.  I didn’t notice his partner standing in the doorway until he started talking.. he called Jackson to him and they spoke quietly before he turned and went downstairs.  Jackson said he had someone coming over to help me and he wouldn’t leave me… I slipped off into a sleep induced by so many tears..

I woke up later to find Jenna sitting in the chair by the bed and Jackson sitting on the bed beside me.  I asked what they were doing here and Jenna said that Jackson called her and demanded that she tell him what was wrong.  She said she told him everything.  She said she was going to go check on the kids and left us to talk.  “Why baby?  Why didn’t you take my calls? Answer my texts?  You needed me and I’ve been going crazy wondering what was wrong.. I’ve driven by a hundred times but nothing looked wrong.. but I knew there was something wrong” is what he kept saying.. “I’m sorry” is all I could say..He asked me when was the last time I showered,  I told him Sunday in the Bahama’s… he told me that was 4 days ago.  “Lets get you in the bath.. you’ll feel better” he said and carried me to the bathroom and helped me undress and put me in the shower… I hadn’t realized that 4 days had passed.. where did they go?  When the water hit me I started to realize that I hadn’t eaten, drank anything..nothing for days.. I’ve just been well.. that’s just it.. I’ve just been.  The tears started again and the lightheadedness kicked in.. Jackson was quick to catch me.. he’s always there for me.  He sat me down in the tub and washed my hair for me.. and washed my body.. which ached horribly.  He helped me out and dried me off and helped me dress and took me downstairs to the living room.  He told Jenna to change my sheets on the bed while he made some dinner for me and the kids and her of course.

Craig called while he was cooking.  He saw who it was on the caller ID and asked if I wanted to talk to him?  I said no and I didn’t want the kids talking to him while he was there either.  We all ate in the living room.. I just kinda picked at it, but Jenna and Jackson told me if I didn’t eat they were taking me to the dr’s tomorrow, so I ate some.  Jenna got the kids to bed and kissed me goodnight and told me she’d be back tomorrow to help.  She gave me an approving wink when Jackson walked over.

I told Jackson I just wanted to go to bed.. I was fine now.. I ate, I showered… I’d be okay.. but he wouldn’t leave… He told me his heart was breaking for me.. that he couldn’t imagine the hell I was feeling.. How could anyone do that to me..He would never do anything to hurt me and couldn’t understand how Craig could if he truly loved me… questions I’ve been asking myself.  I told him I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet… and of course the tears started again… I laid on the bed and cried while he just held me and stroked my hair.. letting me just let the pain try to get out… we spoke no more words… I just cried until the sleep took me over again..

It’s almost 4 am.. he’s sleeping peacefully on the chair by my bed.. the kids are all sleeping.. and for the first time in days.. I feel like this might not kill me….

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