Disclaimer (the following journal entries are all fictional, any resemblance to any person famous or otherwise is completely coincidental ).
Jackson has been by everyday since Thursday. He fixed the door from when he forced it open the other day. He told me yesterday that when he found me on the bed for a split second he thought I was dead and his heart ached so badly he almost couldn’t move. I guess I really scared my kids too, they’ve been clinging to me since I got up. I won’t lie… it’s hard for me to be up and moving.. I just want to cry all the time.. I want to sleep.. but I can’t…. life won’t let me. Sometimes I wish that death would come find me in my sleep.. it would make it all so much easier.
The kids are with Craig today. He’s suppose to be telling them what he’s done. I think Brianna is going to be the most upset, she’s been asking what her dad did all week. I just told her he would talk to them all about it today. Derrick keeps asking when I’m going to let him come back home. Lil bit just misses her daddy. How do I not let my emotions dictate theirs? I can’t even stand to think of him. When he got here today he came to the door and knocked instead of just coming in, which I was glad of. I stayed in the living room and told the kids that I loved them and to call me if they wanted too. I watched them walk across the yard to his car and the pain started all over again. I tried so hard to get him to open up to me, to be with me, to love me… but he wouldn’t… now he’s fathered a child with someone else. How do you get over that? I am trying to not make any big decisions right now but honestly I just want to file for divorce.
Jackson and I talked a little earlier, he’s at work right now but he’s told his boss if I need him he’s taking off to be with me. His partner Shane is a little weird. He’s been over a few times to talk to him and I just don’t think I like him at all. Anyways, I told Jackson that I am just so confused and hurt and angry right now that I can’t “be” with him. He said he completely understood and that he would be here for me for whatever I needed, a friend, a lover and protector, whatever. He told me that he loves me and always will no matter what I decide. I told him that I can’t return those 3 words at the moment and he understood that too.
Brianna and Derrick are crying and want to come home, lil bit is crying too but I’m not sure she completely understands why. They will be here in a minute. Oh my poor babies… I just want to hug them. Take their pain away..
They are home and very upset. Craig told me at the door that he is so very sorry and wishes he could go back and change it all.. I told him to go change the diapers of his new son. He asked me if I was ok, that I looked very thin and tired. I told him that’s what happens when you find out that you were thrown away and closed the door. The pain on his face made him look older.. good… I hope it hurts. I want him to hurt as much as I do. He texted asking when we could talk.. I told him at some point.. but right now I have to go pick up the pieces of our kids shattered lives.. and thanked him for that. He will know how much I hurt.