Okay so I was told many months ago (like last May) that I was a prime candidate for the plastic surgery to remove the excess skin from my weight loss because a) my tail bone sticks out and has no protection and b) I’ve not 1 but 2 hernia‘s since the original surgery and it appeared that I had another one popping up. So I went to the first consult and waited for 4 weeks only to be told that I didn’t “qualify” for the surgery because I didn’t qualify for the gastric bypass.. which was confusing because I had the bypass surgery a year and half before then. So I went back to my original surgeon and told him and he said that was because they sent me to a surgeon out of network and he put in a new referral for one in network. So I went to the new surgeon in like October/November.
Now this surgeon was so much nicer then the other plastic surgeon I saw. He said that yes.. I not only qualified but he wanted to do it as soon as possible. So he put me on the list and told me to call in a few days to get scheduled. The only problem was there are no anesthesiologist for Ft. Belvoir because they are all over at the new Walter Reed hospital in Bethesda. He said that my surgery will take like 4 1/2 to 6 hours and it takes awhile to get one there for that long. So I knew it wouldn’t be right away and I was okay with that. I’m really not looking forward to yet another surgery or being out of work for 4-6 weeks recovery possibly losing my job altogether. If you knew me you’d understand that a majority of my anxieties come from being terrified of being out of work. A little over 2 yrs ago I lost my job and it took me 9 months to find the job I’m currently at, during this time my husband retired from the AF and was out of work for 8 months. We were literally 2 weeks away from being homeless when I found my job. If it hadn’t been for the loving kindness of my friend Linda I would have lost my car because I was 4 months behind in payments. My anxieties went through the roof. I started my job in March and ended up having surgery that May and instead of taking the 5 weeks off to recover I forced myself back to work after just 8 days (which would be the reason I ended up getting 2 hernias because I didn’t let my body heal right). So I’ve just gone and gone and gone without giving myself healing time. Anyways.. back to my story. I called in November and she told me that I needed to call back in December. So I called back in December and she said they didn’t have any anesthesiologist available for then but I was on the list and to call back in January. So I called in Jan and left a voice mail and never heard anything, so I let it go. I figured I can’t really afford to miss work for a month anyways so why bother scheduling it.
Well, last week I went for my yearly follow up with my surgeon, and let me tell you.. he chewed me up and spit me out pretty much. He wasn’t mean about it but he told me with no holds barred. He said that the pain I still have in my tummy is the mesh they left from the hernia surgery, it’s balling up and getting scar tissue on it which is the constant pulling/tugging/burning feeling I have in my stomach. He said the pain pills I’ve been on for over a year now aren’t going to keep working and the pain is only going to get worse. He told me “SCHEDULE YOUR DAMN SURGERY”.. when I told him that I couldn’t miss work because I have kids to feed he told me that I needed to take care of myself now, not 5 yrs from now and that if I let keep going it’s only going to cause more damage and more trouble later. I understand that.. but I can’t not work.. yes my husband works but we barely survive now.. without my money.. I just don’t see how we can survive… well i left there thinking.. maybe in a few months I’ll call..
Today I saw my therapist.. she chewed me up too.. She told me that I need to start thinking about myself, and not everyone else. That I have to have this surgery and I need to do it now. She said that if I keep pushing it off TriCare will refuse to pay for it. She also told me that my husband works now and makes more then I do and we survived off my paychecks when he wasn’t working.. that I need to face the fear.. She said that the fear is what’s driving my anxieties and it was unfounded. She said that I needed to call tomorrow and start putting in for it. When I tried to tell her that doing this would cause me to have a nervous breakdown she said “Whatever, as long as you do it after you had your surgery”.
So now I don’t know what to do. I know I need the surgery.. but how can I be out of work for that long? I know the pains going to get worse… but my kids need me now, today.. not just tomorrow. My anxieties are rising.. which was another thing my therapist talked about. I can’t take my xanax or valiums to help control the anxieties because of the pain meds I take. She wants me back on them and I can’t take them if I’m taking pain meds. It’s a vicious cycle that I’m losing…..