Good morning family and friends…
I’ve called you all together here this morning because today I am lucid.. I am clear.. I am exhausted from yesterday but maybe that’s why today is calmer for me. I wanted to first say.. Thank you. Thank you for staying here, right beside me even though I’m difficult to deal with on manic days.. ya know.. like yesterday was. I need to let you all know that while I may not be rational on those days.. it’s not me.. it’s not who I am. You see an angry, out of control crazy woman who in one minute can go from screaming mad, to a crumpled ball of goo on the floor in tears and right back to a screaming mad crazy woman. Sometimes I just disappear into my own brain, unable to communicate with anyone. Those times that I turn inward and “leave” this life for awhile, know that I am not abandoning you.. I’m simply trying to find a peaceful place for myself. I’m trying to convince myself that I’m not as horrible as my brain is telling me that I am. I know it’s not fair that I’ve pushed you away but I do this for your protection as well as mine. It kills me to realize later in a lucid moment that I’ve hurt you so when I push you away and I disappear I’m trying to save that pain for both of us later on. I fear mostly at those times that when I come out of it, you will be gone..so if I push you away please don’t leave.. just back up a little and let me straighten it all out inside. It is at these times that I need you all most. I know it’s not fair of me to ask you to stand by and watch me fall apart, mentally and physically but I am asking it anyways. When I have days like this, I see it all in my mind. I see the irrational fears that are controlling my every word, my every action.. but I also see you standing there, hurt and pain in your eye’s.. hurt because your heart hurts for me.. pain because you can’t do anything to help me. I truly wish I could just “control” my mouth.. my mind but sometimes I can’t. The battle going on in my head is deafening to any logical thought, the desire to hurt myself over powers anything, and by hurt myself.. please don’t think I mean that in a physical way like suicide.. because I don’t. I am talking hurt myself by hurting others with my words.. or yeah, punching a wall and maybe breaking a finger or knuckle. Or in a moment of blinding rage throwing something that is near and dear to me and breaking it, only to realize later the damage I’ve done and the fact that I know I cannot change it or undo it. I don’t know why I am the way I am. I wish I did. I don’t understand how my own brain can be such a traitor and say such horrible things about me.. I mean damn..c’mon brain.. your MY brain.. you should love me if for no other reason.. but you don’t.
Secondly I want you all to know that I really am trying.. I really do try and I try very hard to hold it all in.. make it go away.. absorb it somehow, some way… I beg that you don’t ever think that I am never trying and that I’m just free falling.. it’s the complete opposite of that. Some days I’m trying so hard to keep it all together that it literally feels like I’m hanging off a cliff and holding on by just my fingers and I’m exhausted but I just refuse to give up.. but honestly.. some days.. I’m on that cliff and I want to let go. I want to end it all so that you, my loved one’s don’t have to deal with me anymore and so that my brain will finally be at peace. I know that I can’t..so there is no worries that I would do that.. but yeah.. I’ll admit it.. some days I wish I could. I know some people think that giving up and giving in is the cowards way out.. but you have to have so much courage and strength to actually do it.. and I am not that strong.
Thirdly I want to say I’m so very sorry. I’m sorry if I’ve ever said anything that really hurt you. I’m sorry if I’ve thrown something maybe you gave me and broke it. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel less then the perfect individual you are. It is never my intention to do these things to any of you. If you truly know me.. you know I only want good things for you all. I get so down sometimes just because I can’t give you more or do more for you. I want to hold you all.. make all your troubles and worries go away.. I find myself at times praying to God that he place your burdens on me because I deserve them so much more then you do. I know I can handle it and I worry that you can’t. I’m use to the dark place and I never want any of you to ever experience it, I want you bathed in light and goodness.
Lastly… Please.. I beg of you.. never ever ever feel like my behavior/actions/feelings are your fault in any way. They aren’t. They are completely my fault. Sometimes I can feel the chemical change happening and I can even tell you that I feel a spiral coming in hopes that you understand it’s a warning for you. A warning for you to just step back and catch me if I happen to fall but be far enough out of the line of fire that I can’t hurt you. It is not easy to love someone like me, but trust me when I tell you that if you stay.. you will be loved harder and more intensely by me then anyone ever in your life. Once you’ve entered my heart you will never be out of it, no matter what. I will be there for you forever, so much so you may get sick of me and want me to go away for awhile.
I know I need medication for the chemical imbalance but sadly I cannot take them. The majority of these medicines cause weight gain and I cannot tolerate extra weight.. At least not right now. Two years ago I mutilated my body for the sole purpose of getting the weight off, at this moment I cannot knowingly swallow something that I know is going to add 15/20 pounds. I just can’t. I tried a new medicine recently and had a manic day, followed by several down days and gained 7lbs in 2 weeks. Since then I’ve stopped it and now am suffering from the side effects of stopping it, but I’m down 3 of the 7lbs.
Please.. just love me…don’t try to fix me, you can’t. Don’t try to understand me or my moods, you won’t. Just enjoy the lucid days and pray that the manic one’s are short and far between. I need you all.. I need your love, your friendship, your understanding that my disorder is not who I am. Inside I am warm and loving, not very trusting but willing to offer the opportunity to learn to trust you. I will be more loyal to your friendship and love then anyone you’ve ever known.. Remember that in my dark days.
I love you all,