I am sure at some point everyone reading this has had an addiction to something or other. It doesn’t have to be something bad like cocaine or heroine. It can be something like maybe dark chocolate covered almonds, or coffee or even exercise. I’ll admit it, I’ve had my fair share of addictions throughout my life, I have always been a foodie so of course there have been many many food addictions. I still fight my addictions of caffeine and nicotine, and now since I’ve had the RYN surgery I’m really not supposed to have either of these things but I still do. Why? Because I’m addicted, d’uh. Back in my youth I had addictions to drugs, alcohol and sex. Now none of these were to the point of having detox symptoms when I quit them but I had gotten to a point where I had to have one or the other every day to function. Most days I went to work drunk and or high. Hell, I even smoked weed with the cops who came in the store that I worked at. Nothing says your safe from getting arrested like smoking the illegal substance with the county sheriffs officers! Over the last almost 2 years now I’ve been dealing with an addiction to pain meds. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not addicted to the high I get off of them, fact is I could care less about that, but I cannot go to sleep with the constant pain I am in without the effects of the pain meds knocking me the hell out. I’d rather not take them, I hate them but I need sleep and until the dr’s finally get this mess figured out this is my only way to obtain any sleep.
One thing I can say about my addictions is they’ve always just been me. I’ve never pushed them on to anyone around me. Okay.. maybe I did a little.. ya know throw a hissy if I’m out of coffee but still.. these were minor infractions. So my question/blog here is about when the other half of a couple has an addiction that affects the other one. Those SUCK.
My first husband was addicted to sex,drugs and rock & roll. He would smoke anything he could get, pop pills (even one’s he found on the floor.. didn’t matter to him) drop acid whatever he could get his hands on. He also drank like a fish. As for the sex, well he was addicted to it with everyone but me. It left me feeling completely alone and feeling very worthless. Our relationship ended horribly and left me suffering for years to come, hell I still feel the affects of it here 20 years later. He was in a sense an addiction to me. I couldn’t see myself living without him, I needed him, his love and acceptance and I never got it. Addiction won. I wasn’t enough for him to love, only to wreck. I wasn’t enough for him to see that he was loved, the drugs and alcohol and other women were more important then my love and here it is 20 years later and I still struggle with that. Some scars never heal.
My second husband was a complete fail on my part. I settled for him. I figured “at least he doesn’t hit me” which that turned out to be wrong a few years after we were married. I hadn’t realized it when we first got together but he was a prescription drug addict. His mother would supply him with her drugs that she got from her friend who was a doctor. (She ended up committing suicide by overdosing on those same drugs a few years later). In late 2002, while pregnant with my second child he suffered a massive accident at work which left him in the hospital fighting for his life for weeks. After he got out he became extremely dependent on pain pills. I mean I’m talking 360 Vicodin’s PLUS 250 Soma‘s a month. How it didn’t kill him or hasn’t killed him yet I have no idea. He became very very abusive on these pills, to the point of choking me and trying to break my arm, forcing sex on me and so much more. He became extremely abusive to our then 6 yr old son and I feared him turning his abuse onto our infant daughter. I tried everything I could to help him. I went to EVERY single pharmacy in the city we lived in telling them he was a prescription drug addict and to not fill his prescriptions, I called every one of his doctors telling them what he was doing by going to several different doctors to get the different prescriptions filled and asked them to not give him anymore. I managed to convince him (with the help of his father and step mother) to check into rehab where he convinced the workers he was fine and was out in less then 72 hours. I finally reached the point where I realized that yet again addiction had won. That no matter what I did or said or asked of him, my love was not enough for him, that I was not enough for him. To have addictions win over your love once is hard enough, but twice? It’s devastating.
Now here it is, 7 years later. I’ve moved on and for awhile there my scars were healing. I have a new love in my life. We married and moved in together and life was supposed to be so much better then it had ever been for me. Supposed to be… however life said “Not in my house” while shaking it’s finger at me. We have had so many hardships hit us over the past few years, some of which I have blogged about some he has. These things range from an extremely vindictive ex-wife who is insistent that his life be ruined because he opted to divorce her. We’ve had jobs lost, retired from the AF and unable to find employment for 9 months which in turn set the ex off which in turn put all of this in the courts and managed to get him an arrears of more then $20K for 9 months of non-payments (even though she got half his retirement). We’ve had car repair after car repair hit us, health issue’s on both parts not to mention I myself have had 3 surgeries in 2 years and am currently looking at another one in the very near future for my shoulder. Of course this will only happen if the Government decides to start paying it’s employees again, yes another financial blow for us to deal with. No pay equals more arrears, more back payments more everything that is already weighing on us and wearing us down. All of this wears on the soul, making the daily life almost unbearable. I know personally I have gotten to the point where I just want to go to sleep and wake up in Heaven, wrapped in my mom’s arms. I’ve been dealing with it all by building my walls back up and smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee and disconnecting myself from everything. He has been self medicating. By doing so his addictions have come through putting me back where I was… alone. If you follow our blogs you have seen over the last few weeks that they have become morbid, depressing and sad. We are both trying to get the feelings in our hearts and heads out on paper, hoping it will become easier for us. It’s not working. I love my husband and I plan on being here and hoping that he can do what needs to be done to save us. I have told him however that I just don’t have the strength between everything else to fight against another addiction. It’s a losing battle for me. With everything else going on there is just no energy left for this battle again. I know the outcome from personal experience when you try to battle against a chemical addiction. For me it’s not a happy ending. So I’m not fighting. This doesn’t mean I’m leaving or giving up, it just means this time I’m going to let the other make the choice. If it’s not me… then the scars will never heal.
I’m not writing this to have anyone feel pity for me, or us. I”m writing this because I’m sick of fighting addictions. I’m writing this so that if your a praying person you might help us by praying for us, for our love to survive, to give me the strength I need to deal with everything on my plate now.. I’m writing this to let anyone who may be in the same boat as me know they are not alone even though they may feel it.