The Blame Game

If you follow my blog then you know I get a lot of my ideas for posts off of the morning radio show’s.  Well today is no different then any other.  This morning the DJ’s on the Kane Show on Hot 99.5 FM were discussing who is to blame if a man cheats on his wife.  Is the man to blame 100% or is the other woman to blame some too?  I really found their individual opinions on this subject interesting.  They all made great points so it got me to thinking about it myself.  Who is to blame.  I am going to give you my perspective on this topic then I welcome your own thoughts.

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It used to be at one time in my life I was a stay at home mommy.  This is when I learned that there is absolutely NOTHING worth watching on daytime TV for adults.  The cartoon’s my son watched were more interesting and intellectual then the crap on, but I’ll admit it… I watched a few of them.  Yes, I’m hanging my head in shame..I watched Jerry Springer, Maury and Guiding Light… Okay I’m not ashamed of Guiding Light!  I grew up watching it because my mother watched it on her lunch hour.  She and her mother listened to it on the radio when it first started so I always felt I dunno, closer to my mom by watching it.  The other two however, yeah there’s some shame there.  Side note though, Jerry has a new show on the ID Network!!!!!  You know I’m going to watch it because a) I’ve already admitted I watched his show before and b) I’m totally addicted to the ID Network.  Anywho… when I would watch these shows and it would be proven that the man cheated on the woman, 99.9999% of the time the woman would go after the side chick!  I would always sit there thinking.. what the hell man… she isn’t the only one to blame, the man is.. go beat your man’s ass.. or better yet.. let her have him and walk away with your head held high!  But alas, they never would.  They’d fight the girl, pull her hair, rip her shirt.. it was good tabloid TV.  The man would be sitting over there letting them go at it because he knew if he opened his mouth they’d both go off on him.

Now this morning Kane was saying he thought the man was 100% to blame.  That for him, when he married his wife and put that ring on his finger it meant that there would never be another for him.  That the ring signified a fence around him that no other woman should be able to get through and that it was entirely up to him to make sure that fence was kept strong and sturdy.  Which I completely agreed with.  He said that if he did ever step out on his wife (but he would never do that) that it would be 100% his fault regardless because he let it happen.  Dani however said that while she agreed with it she didn’t think it was always the man’s fault.  She said that if a women didn’t know that he was married then yes it was his fault.  If she didn’t know and then found out later but kept it going, then she was to blame too.  And of course, if she knew and went after him it was just as much her fault as his.  Kane disagreed and said that no, if she knew he was it was still the man’s fault because he allowed it to happen.  It was a very interesting debate/conversation.  It got me to thinking, really who is to blame if someone cheats?

I will admit that I have been both, the other woman and the cheated on woman.  Both places are dark and suck and just really do a lot of damage.  When I married my first husband I was totally faithful to him for the almost 3 yrs we were together.  I craved his love, and never got it.  What I got was him chasing anything with a vagina, him drunk and abusive, him stoned and abusive..but never his love.  A few months after we were married I sunk to a really low place, that’s when (we’ll call him Jake) Jake stepped into my life.  He was older, nice body, a cop and you know how I do love the uniformed men…He was everything I had always wanted in a man.. successful, good looking, very attentive, charismatic, funny…  I could keep going on but I won’t.  Well he started showing me attention, something I wasn’t getting at home.  At first I just thought he was a friendly older person who was just trying to offer me sound advice and just be there for me.  Then the flirting started.. and I kept thinking there was no way he was interested in me.. I was fat and repulsive (according to my ex husband) and that no man would want me so there was no way possible this man did.  Plus I knew he was married because he wore a ring and because his wife used to stop in the store I worked at all the time so there was just no way he wanted me sexually.  Things at home became increasingly harsh making me dive deeper into the self loathing pool of insecurities so I in turn desperately clung to the “attention” this man showed me.  One night on the graveyard shift he was in like he normally came in to the store around 3 am, after the bars had closed and most of the town was asleep for the night, and hung out with me.  He’d get his free coffee and donuts or hot dogs or whatever (store policy was we never charged the police/fire/paramedics) who came in for their coffee and stuff.  That particular night was dead, he was the only officer on that side of town and there was just no one else around.  I had stepped into the back room to start stocking the coolers for the day crew when he followed me back there talking.  This was nothing new, he’d done it a thousand times before so it wasn’t out of character for him.  I turned to say something when he grabbed my face.. whispered something very ummm.. erotic in my ear and kissed me…That was the beginning of the end for me. I crossed the line.  I knew he was married but I didn’t care.  I needed that attention and he was giving it to me freely.  So who was to blame here?  Was he to blame, since he was the married man (and oh yeah I was married to but by this point the marriage was over.. I just hadn’t admitted it yet and left.  That came a couple of months later) and he actively pursued me?  He even made the first move by saying what he did and kissing me like he did.  Or was I to blame?  I knew he was married, and I let him kiss me.  I then agreed to meet up with him a couple of nights later, when we were both off of work.  I knew what was going to happen and I didn’t care.  I had no concern for his wife or his kids.  The only concern I had was that my own husband not find out because even though he didn’t want me he had made it clear that no other man was allowed to want me either, or I’d wear a bruise or two to remember that.

At the time I stood by the thought that this was all on him.  If he was going to cheat on his wife there was nothing I could do about it.. and of course he did.  I wasn’t his first side chick and I damn sure wasn’t his last.  Why was I to blame for someone stepping out on their spouse?  If she had a problem with it she needed to take it up with him, not me.  I still believe he was at fault, however since I have grown up and been through so much more, I know now that I was partially to blame myself.  He was more to blame but still, I could have said no.

So whose fault is it?  If someone cheats in a relationship, is it their fault for cheating?  What if someone actively chases them knowing they are married?  Is it still their fault for cheating, or does the blame then get shifted to both parties?  What if someone enters into a relationship not knowing the other person is married, and doesn’t find out for months or even years?  Are they to blame, or do they only accept blame if they chose not to stop it after finding out?

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2 thoughts on “The Blame Game

  1. There is a third party here that can also be to blame as well. The other spouse. Like your first spouse, I believe he was to blame for you cheating because he was cheating himself and abusive and that pushed you to accept the offer. You were to blame because you accepted it and the so called cop was to blame because he pursued it.

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