Confessions of an Angry Heart

sad_heart_by_cats0448-d31d5f0I felt like it was time to confess some things.. to get the weight off my heart and shoulders because it has been weighing me down so much.  So here it is.. my confession

angry_smiley_face_gifts_heart_sticker-rc021e25187414027a7556d70e83ed341_v9w0n_8byvr_324

 

1)  You’re always so angry-  False.  Anger is an emotion that stems from hurt or fear.  I have been hurt so many times and I live in fear of it happening again, because it always does.

2) You prefer to live angry –  again this is false.  I yearn to be happy, to be carefree and full of love.  I long for the days of knowing tears of joy instead of tears of pain.

3) You’re always so cold – False..  I am not cold, I am guarded.  I love deeply and because I do I hurt just as deeply.  I have been played with so many times that the walls are now up just to protect myself, not to be mean to anyone else.

4) You’re never happy –   This is partially true.  For me it’s scary to be happy because happiness never lasts.  Now for most people when something happens it kinda knocks them down for a little bit but then life straightens out and they get up and keep going.  For me, life doesn’t just knock me down a lil’.  It slams me to the ground then for shits and giggles it decides to stomp all over me, add a little salt to the wound and laugh at the tears that fall down my owners face.  This isn’t something that happened just once or twice, no it’s happened over and over again my entire beating life.  So now my owner stays weary of “blessings” because that signals to my friend the brain that something wicked this way comes.  It’s a learned response. 

5) You just want pity from people – FALSE.  I do not want nor need nor desire pity from anyone.  My owner is strong, she works hard to make her way in this world and doesn’t ask for handouts.  All she wants is for people to treat me the way she treats their hearts.  It’s really not to much to ask for, but for her it just doesn’t seem to happen.

6) You’re incapable of “real” love –  this one is false too.  I have known “real” love many times and in many forms.  I’m happiest when that love show’s the lighter side of it, but sadly, the darker side of it usually show’s itself sooner rather then later.  Sometimes I have been able to come back from that darker side a little warn for wear but still beating and still loving.. but most times I come out broken and battered and made that much more afraid of happiness.

 

My owner…she’s one of a kind.  She appears so strong to so many but I know her personally… she’s not as strong as they think anymore.. she’s tired, we’re tired.  She lays her head on her pillow at night and after she prays that all of her family and friends stay safe and healthy and the all return to her the next day.. she only asks for one thing for herself… for happiness…so you see.. she’s not angry… she lives in fear.  So the next time you think that she is just this angry person.. remind yourself that she only wants to smile…

 

 

 

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