The Road to Healing Begins with Hurting. Session 5

NoMeansNo2

My last session was so very intense and difficult.  If you remember my homework was to write a detailed description of the rape and the feelings that I had then when it was happening along with the feelings I was feeling while writing it.  Then I had to re-read the paper every day (which I didn’t.  I couldn’t).  Let me start off by saying that this was like ripping the top layers of skin off exposing the putrid infected sore beneath.  I know, that’s gross sounding but it does describe it perfectly because honestly that is what is below the surface.  An infected putrid sore that I never tended too, never put anything on it to heal up before I closed it up over the top.

Like I said last week I would not be posting this story as I have my previous homework assignments.  It’s to graphic and I just don’t feel like I need to share the details with the world in order to heal.

While reading it out loud I found myself wanting to hide.  When I had really long hair and had the urge to hide I would pull my hair down in front of my face.  It was my escape, my coping mechanism if you will.  Well I don’t have the hair to do that anymore so while I was sitting there reading this I felt just as exposed and vulnerable as I did that night.  I had to stop several times and gather my composure, get a good deep breath in, wipe away the tears and force the rest of the tears back down. I tried very very hard to separate myself from the story I was telling but I couldn’t.  I was there.  I felt the first punch to my face, the second and the third and so on.  I was back on the bed being forced out of my clothes, I could hear his voice, smell the Jack Daniels on his breath and feel the terror rising in me.  I wanted to run out of the room as fast as I can, just like I wanted to run out of that room when it happened, but just like then I couldn’t.  This time though I forced myself to stay.

Being older now I can see all the tell tale signs of him being an abuser all the way back to when we first started dating.  I was so desperate to just be loved by anyone I ignored them, tolerated them, allowed them to continue.  It started with small things, a push here, a shove there.  Him becoming angry at something I did or said and then storming off, cheating on me and leaving me to wonder where he went and if he’d ever be back only to have him come back and manage to make me believe it was all my fault that he did cheat.  That somehow because I was overweight and trusting I deserved to be cheated on, pushed around.

I remember the day I married him.  My brother and I were standing in the foray of the church waiting for the music to start down the isle.  I was holding his arm and we were looking out the doors that were in front of us where my car was parked.  My brother told me “Baby, we don’t have to do this.  Your car is right there, we can get out of here right now”.  I should have listened, but hind sight is 20/20 isn’t it?  I remember thinking to myself “if it doesn’t work out I can just get a divorce”.  What kind of screwed up person goes into a marriage thinking that?  Obviously there were problems before him, I just hadn’t figured that out yet.  That night, our wedding night was the last time he was nice to me.  From the second day on it just got worse and worse.  The name calling, the cheating, the hitting, the STD’s then the abandonment but with being controlled.  What i mean by that is he disappeared, he’d stay gone for days on end but he expected me to just work and go home and have no life.  He didn’t want me but he didn’t want me to have a life either.  Just stay locked up for his use and abuse when he felt the need. The night the attack happened he had been gone for several days, almost 2 weeks.  This was the longest he had stayed gone and I felt like he wasn’t coming back.  I knew our marriage was over, it had been for a long time but I just didn’t admit it to myself fully yet. I had been out with friends doing my own thing, I was slowly venturing out finding my footing.  I got off work that night at 10 but didn’t get home until almost 2 am.  I was completely caught off guard when I walked in and found him sitting on the couch in the dark smoking a cigarette.   It only took 11 words to ignite such anger, 11 little words.

“The same thing you go out and do all the time”

    Twenty plus years later those 11 little words still haunt my memory.  They ignite such a barrage of what if’s in my mind that it drives me insane.  What if I hadn’t said that?  What if I had said something different?  What if I would have ran out the back door instead of fighting back?  What if, what if what if?  It’s easy to tell someone that what if’s don’t change anything so don’t drive yourself crazy thinking that.  It’s not easy however when your the one reliving it over and over again.  What if I would have left him while he was gone?  Packed my stuff up and left and he’d never know where I went.  I didn’t though.  I said those words, I fought back with every ounce of energy I had, I didn’t leave him before it was too late.  Now I have to learn to look back at all those choices differently.  I have to train my brain that even though I’ve told myself all this time it was my fault, I deserved it… I was WRONG!  I did NOTHING to deserve such anger, such hatred.  I didn’t deserve the name calling, the punching, the lying too, the STD’s, the cheating…. I didn’t deserve to be raped.  All I did was love him.  All I asked of him was to love me back, and even though he didn’t do that it doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve to be loved.

    When I walked out of the office this past Monday my body ached.  I could feel every place I was bruised that night.  I felt drained of all my energy and I just wanted to curl up and become invisible.  It’s been several days and I still feel the effects of it all, like my body is healing all over again.  When it happened I went to stay at a friends house after that for a few days.  He let me cry, held me when I shook and rubbed my back when the vomiting would start in.   He tended to my wounds and wouldn’t let me just go away.  I remember asking him, well begging him to let me take a bottle of pills and just go to sleep.  I didn’t want to live anymore, I couldn’t tell my family what had happened, couldn’t face all of them and tell them I let them down by having this happen to me.  We are all fighters, raised strong so how could I tell them I was too weak?  I couldn’t break my mothers heart.  She’d been through so much in her life and I didn’t want to add to her troubles.  I wanted to die.  My friend wouldn’t let me.  He helped me hide it all shove it down and not let the world see the scars.

    At the time I thought I did a very good job of hiding it all from everyone, but looking back I was screaming a very silent scream for the world to see.  I invited trouble into my life, I was careless and reckless.  I put my room mate in danger on a very regular basis bringing anyone home that I could get to come with me.  I spent a year trying to fill up that enormous hole he slammed into me that night.  Nothing worked and sadly I ended up marrying another abuser.  This time bringing two innocent babies into the picture.  I can tell you all that I am now out of that abusive relationship, in therapy and doing everything I can to help my kids be a better stronger person than I was.  My son treats women with respect and my daughter has had 3 yrs of Tae Kwon Do training to know how to protect herself.

    I know that I still have a very long ways to go.  I have to erase the negative thoughts of myself that are etched into my minds eye.  I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I’m worth so much more in this world.  I have to show the world as well as myself that I am what I’ve said I was for years.. a survivor!

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them.  There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!

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4 thoughts on “The Road to Healing Begins with Hurting. Session 5

  1. There more I read women’s stories of abuse the more I am conviced that these men are scoiopaths. I would bet money that your first husband has naricisstic personality disorder. It is not just the abuse but a whole disordered mind that goes along with these individuals. There is nothing you could have said or done to make it turn out any different other than not getting involved in the first place–but that is hard to do because they use “love bombing” to get you to think that they really love you. My ex-narc did not physically abuse me because we weren’t together that long but I did see the beginnings of rage while in Malaysia with him. The rage and abuse was confirmed by his first wife Mayr. I think part of what is going on is that somehow you think this guy was normal and that you had something to do with being abused. No, you did not. The only mistake you made was believing the lies of a disordered sociopath. Has anyone before said that this man is most likelu a scoiopath? Go back and re-read my blogs on the narcissistic ex but read them through the eyes of your relationship and see if any of it rings a bell for you. Or google narcissistic personality disorder and see what you come up with. There was nothing wrong with you other than you were a caring person who beleived the lies of a mentally disordered man. And because of that it has affected your whole life just like being in love at 18 and then being discarded for no reason has affected my whole life–with me it was emotional abuse that I dealt with.

    Shannon I am so glad that you are looking at all of this so that you can move on and be free of the nightmare and be able to fully enjoy the love you have around you know. email me or message through fb if you would like to talk about npd—

    I love you,

    Ivonne

    • I knew he had problems before I married him, but I thought I could be his saving grace. His mother had been murdered (stabbed to death) when he was a baby. He was in the same room when it happened. He was told his whole life that his dad is the one who did it but they could never get enough evidence to prove it in the courts. My heart bled for him when he told me. He was raised with a burning hatred for his dad. I just knew that I could be the one help him heal. I now know that no one can help anyone heal if the person doesn’t want to be healed, and he didn’t. My therapist told me that I am a helper, I’m drawn to people who are broken and need to be fixed. This includes Rob. Now that I know this I have to learn how to make sure I don’t try to help the wrong person again.

      • wow, I just finished watching Dexter on Net flix–same story line–how awful but sadly trauma like that is irreversable unless it gets treated since the person is a baby–and back them not enough info on trauma and sociopaths. No, you can not help no matter how sad. The thing is most sociopaths have deformed brains—but it takes a trauma or abuse to trigger it. There is no amount of love sadly that can fix an abused/traumatized brain once sociopathic behavior has been triggered–at least to date. Maybe in the future someone will find a cure.

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