I’m a little behind in this one, sorry. Life just kinda got in the way. when I got to my appointment I found myself a bit agitated with some things that had happened in my daily life so my therapist spent most of the hour talking to me about those things. We did touch on the rape a little bit, and what she told me kinda made a light bulb go off over my head.
I had printed off copies of the blogs I had written about the sessions and gave them to her to read. She pointed out a few things about them, one being I do not view the rape as a sexual thing. For me it was a control thing. I knew he didn’t want me sexually, he hadn’t for months. He wanted me to feel his control, he wanted to rip away any self worth I had managed to gain while he would be out and about. If you remember I told you that he used to tell me all the time that I was fat and repulsive and no one would ever love me or want me. When he found out that someone did (or at least thought that someone did) he had to make sure that small gleam of hope was ripped out of my head, out of my heart. By attacking me sexually while spewing those hateful things he was making sure that for me sex=self hatred. Does that make sense? I’m so scattered brained right now. I know what I want to say, it’s in my head but as I type this out it’s just all jumbling out of my fingertips and I’m not sure it’s making sense. What he didn’t realize he was doing was the opposite of what he had tried to do. Instead of making me turn away from sex, I turned to it. I even asked my therapist what was wrong with me, that most people who are raped don’t want anything to do with sex again but for me it was like someone turned on the “must have sex” switch and now it won’t turn off. Again she explained to me that it’s a control thing. I use sex to gain control, even though it’s an illusion as I’ve never had control. After the attack I will admit, I was on a mission. I wanted to have sex with as many people as I could. I would walk into a bar or concert or whatever and I would pick out who I wanted to seduce and I would use my ways to get what I wanted. It was me calling the shots, the who the what the when and the where and the how! On the occasions that I couldn’t get the person I had set my sights on it was more then just a rejection, it was a total stranger telling me that my ex was right. I wasn’t lovable. I was too fat and ugly and repulsive to be loved. This would set me off even more making me even more determined to conquer anyone I desired.
I look back now and I see just how very lucky I was. I didn’t get an STD that wasn’t curable (my ex husband gave me STD’s.. he’s the only one who ever did), I wasn’t raped again, I wasn’t murdered. Any one of those things could have happened to me at any time. I put myself in harms way over and over again trying to find a feeling of control in my life. The sad thing is I still do the same thing. I mean, I’m not out finding dozens of different men anymore, but I still view sex as a control thing. Even with my husband. If I want something, whether it be a material item or just a feeling of being in control I will use my ways to seduce him. On the occasions that I don’t get my way it does set off those warning signals in my head. I know they are wrong and are lying to me but the fear is there. I’m still not lovable. I’ve gained a few pounds back so now I’m too fat and repulsive again. These things are fueling that internal need of finding someone on the side. I know I won’t cheat on my husband, but sometimes my brain screams at me that I must have that approval and if it can’t be from my husband for whatever reason (work, health, time) then I have to have it from somewhere. The trick now is to learn to get that approval from my own brain, not a man’s penis.
If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them. There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!