Yesterday was session 8. This one was a little intense for me. My therapist is really starting to come at me without the kid gloves on anymore. She’s making me see things that I don’t really want to see. I mean, I know I have to, but that doesn’t mean I want to! We talked about me being happy, and how I haven’t been happy for pretty much my entire adult life. She told me that I chase the dream of being happy but always with the knowledge that I can’t have that particular happiness. Her words exactly “YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY”… ouch. She said, “Look at your life. You weren’t happy with your ex before the rape. He was always gone, you were alone and dating a married man. You were looking for happiness with someone else’s husband, and that wasn’t the last time you’ve done that. If something is going good in your life you have trained yourself to look for and find whatever it is to stop the happiness. You see someone else’s life and you think that’s what I want.. right there… but you can’t have it because it’s someone else’s life. By doing this your comparing your own life to what you think would make you happy and it’s making you miserable” (or something close to that.. I’m still spacey right now).
She is right though, I don’t know how to be happy. I desire being happy but my brain won’t let it happen. I mean, I’ve had good day’s, good times. I can laugh and joke and smile, but I always end right back up with the same miserable thoughts in my head. I’m not worthy of happiness. I’m not worthy of love. I’ll never be one of those girls so why bother trying. I don’t know how to turn it off. People will tell you, just be happy. Think happy thoughts. Do positive things. It’s simple, don’t let things bother you. It’s not simple. It’s truly impossible to be happy when your own brain is wired to be the complete opposite. I’m scared to death of being happy. Things have gone wrong for so long in my life that when something good happens I’m petrified that something worse then last bad thing is going to happen and I’m always so close to the edge anymore that I worry that next “bad” thing is going to make me snap. I worry so much about being strong and not letting people see my weakness or vulnerability that I don’t give my mind a chance to rest. My body is in constant pain anymore with the stomach issue and the arm/neck issue. I feel like I’m a walking time bomb and one day something inside is going to implode.
We also discussed my husband and some issue’s we have been having. She pointed out to me that I’ve put him in a position where he cant do anything right. If he doesn’t do what I ask or say (let’s say something about money, like pay a bill) then I get angry because yet again we are out of money and drowning in debt. If he does pay the bill then I’m angry because we had to pay this bill and there’s no money left over for anything else, like a savings account. He just can’t win. I don’t try to be like that towards him, I know he loves me. I know he would move the mountains for me if he could. I love him more then I’ve loved any other man on this planet and I don’t want to hurt him. I fear that I am becoming a job to him and one day if I don’t figure out how to be anyone but me.. he will tire of doing this job. Then where will I be? Back to being unloved and unlovable.
Going through these sessions is opening up my eye’s to just how damaged I am because of what some asshole did to me 20 yrs ago. I never let myself think about it or deal with it and by doing so it’s molded me into someone who is so confused in this world sometimes I feel it would be better if I just weren’t here anymore. I can’t figure out how to be normal, how to be someone who isn’t so crazy in the head. Someone my husband and my children deserve. Someone who isn’t me.
My therapist has said she see’s improvement in me. I won’t lie, it’s been very draining, very hard to go through this. I guess I’m just having a bad day today because I’m ready to quit. I’m tired. But I won’t quit. I’ll do my homework for next week’s session and I’ll go in and talk some more and try to figure all this out. I have too. I deserve so much better then what I allow myself.
If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them. There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!