I’ve gotten a little lax on my sessions blogs. The reason is we really haven’t been discussing the rape so much, we’ve been dealing with the everyday things that seem to be bothering me more and more. This was brought on because one night my husband and I were having a discussion and while we were talking a little light bulb went off over my head and I realized something about myself. I don’t feel needed. In fact, I’ve never felt needed. I’ve figured out this is why I never married the one ex that everyone thought I should have. I don’t feel needed by my family or friends. Let me explain, I know I am needed by my husband and kids and a few family members and friends.. but my brain convinces me that I’m not. So for my homework I had to write down how I thought my loved one’s needed me, without ending it with they really didn’t. I decided to go a little further on this and had a select few of these people write down the ways they needed me so that I could show my brain that it is wrong in it’s thinking. It really hurt that one of the family members didn’t bother to respond, but hey.. I guess that is his loss, not mine. At least that’s what I’m trying to tell my brain. When I read my responses to her we discussed each one in detail, then she told me she wanted my husband to write down “How” he needed me. The things I specifically do that he needs from me.
When I went back for session 10 we discussed the list of things that my husband had written down and what I thought about them and if I agree’d with them or not. These are things that I won’t discuss on here, for they are private between me and my husband and out of respect for him I won’t list them. I will say that she pointed out some similarities in this relationship with every other one I’ve had in my past. Her reasoning is she’s trying to point out to me what exactly it is that I subconsciously look for in a mate. This was very interesting to me because there is a pattern, one I never knew existed.
Session 11 was yesterday’s session. I’ve been very agitated over the last couple of weeks and I know it’s because of stress of several things weighing on my mind. It just seems like lately every thing is gnawing away on my last nerve. For my homework for this week I had to write a list of things I wanted from a spouse (not necessarily my current one. She wanted me to list things that I want no matter who I be with, him or a future spouse). The first thing I put was security. I’ve never had it and with the way things are going, I never will. After talking in detail about everything I listed she flat out told me that I either have to a) Accept the way my life is or b) change it. I’m not happy with our financial situation and that is a huge part of my anger right now. The only way I can change is it to take complete control of the finances, or accept that our bank account will forever be empty or.. leave him. None of these things are that easy, so needless to say I’m still very annoyed.
When life starts weighing me down like this I do see myself in the same place I was after the rape. Alone, battered, bruised and really just not wanting to go on anymore. Sometimes I pray that when I go to sleep that I just never wake up. I know that’s selfish of me to pray for such a thing, but until you’ve walked in my shoe’s you have no right to judge me. Yes life could be worse. Trust me when I say I NEVER ask “what else” or “whats next”. I just try to get up everyday, go through the motions and survive.
My homework for next week is just seriously think about what I truly want and how can I put me as a priority in my own life.
If you have been sexually assaulted, even if your not sure because you might have started it, or your married to your attacker and by being married you think it’s not rape.. please call them. There is help.. and even if you are married… NO MEANS NO!