Can I Just Freak Out Now?

So I posted a blog a few weeks ago telling y’all how I’ve had to quit working because of medical reasons, and how that’s driving me insane.  I hate not working, I hate not bringing in a paycheck.  I’ve filed for disability but lord only knows how long that is going to take.   I’ve heard it can take years to be approved.  So I’ve been keeping myself busy (painting in case you couldn’t tell) trying very hard not to stress about the financial situation ahead of us.  My wonderful sister even set up a GoFundMe page to try to help us out, http://www.gofundme.com/l15zms. I’ve tried very hard to try to not stress so that I can heal from this latest surgery… then today I see this..

http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/national-international/294436351.html?_osource=SocialFlowFB_DCBrand

 

Why would this stress me out???? Because my husband works for Homeland Security.  Up until just a few minutes ago they had until Midnight to decide or there would be no funding for them, which means no paychecks.  They’ve now passed a “week long bill” to give them more time to work on it which is good, but not great.  We are not out of the woods.  If they don’t reach a budget we will become a no income family!  Needless to say my stress level is through the roof!  I have to try to not think too much on it.. but we all know me and we know that’s not going to happen.  I’m already not sleeping at night thinking about everything else, what’s one more thing? Right?

 

stress3

No Shame In My Game

In today’s society it seems that it’s more important to be skinny and perfect looking with a fit and fabulous body then it is to be well educated, polite, kind and giving.  It’s really sad when you think about it, but it’s our own fault because we “buy” into it by spending our money on the photo shopped pictures in the magazines, the billions we spend on diet fads and so on.

When I was 270 pounds I covered up everything.  I rarely wore shorts, always long T-Shirts that went to my thighs to make sure none of my belly was ever seen!  I didn’t even really wear flip flops because I didn’t want anyone to see my fat feet.  Almost 4 years ago I took drastic measures to get the weight off (for health reasons, not cosmetic) and had the Gastric Bypass.  After losing more then a hundred pounds I was left looking fantastic!!!  In clothes only.  Naked was a totally different story.  My thighs looked like a helium balloon that had deflated to the point that it barely had any air in it.  My boobs, which were never that great to begin with, they looked like they’d been stuck in a Mammogram machine for a couple of weeks.  Deflated and floppy!  My saving grace on that was I was never well endowed up top anyways so at least they hang to my belly button!  My belly, omg I can’t even begin to describe the total and complete disgrace I felt when looking at it!  I mean at least when I was fat it was filled out, now it looks like bread dough that has risen then punched back down!  I literally wanted to cry every time I saw myself naked and I truly did not want my husband to see my ugly gut!  One day however I decided that I would step outside my comfort zone and bought a bikini.  Of course I still bought swim shorts instead of a bikini bottom (I can’t show those thighs in public.. I just can’t).

I still despise my stomach and thighs (my boobs are better since I’ve put back on a few pounds) but I’m not going to hide it anymore.  This body is my body and it’s the only one I have.  It gets me up every morning and it keeps me going every day.  It’s housed 2 little humans for 9 months and 4 others for 8 to 10 weeks.  It has survived 8 abdominal surgeries, 4 of which have been in the last 3 1/2 years.  So I’m going to show you all what a body looks like that has gone from a size 24 to a size 6/8 and has had numerous medical procedures done on it.  Why?  So other women and men will hopefully see it and decide that they shouldn’t feel shame about what their bodies look like.  Maybe someone has a stomach that looks like mine too.  The fact is, weighing 145 pounds doesn’t make you feel any closer to “Looking like the media says you should” then weighting 245 pounds does.  What they show is not real. It’s photo shopped, it’s plastic surgery, it’s botox.. it’s anything but natural.

photo 1 (1) photo 3 (1)

 

You can see that I am still swollen from the last surgery that was just a few short weeks ago, but the lumpiness will never go away.  I have too many “indented” scars to ever have a flat stomach.  My belly button is anything but a button!  It now looks like a slit thanks to the gallbladder surgery back in 97.  I will tell you though, my youngest kitty loves my tummy.  She climbs up on me and starts kneading it like bread dough, curls up and goes sound to sleep on it!  And I know that if I had a baby right now, that baby would sleep comfortably on my tummy because it’s as squishy as a pillow!  This summer I will be pool side in my bikini top and swim shorts and I’m not going to worry one little bit about what anyone thinks.

http://www.gofundme.com/l15zms

 

I am still asking for help so please feel free to share this with everyone.  Medical bills are starting to come in and life is happening and we are down to half a pay for 4 to survive on.  Thank you for any and all help.