Mr. Postman.. please deliver this to Heaven for me

Dear Mom…

Tomorrow makes 15 years ago that you left us.  Some days it feels like just yesterday when you left, other days it feels like you’ve been gone forever.  You’ve missed so much in our lives and I wish I could talk to you and tell you about it all!  I know you see it from where you spend your days, but I still wish I could just sit and talk to you about it.  Oh how I miss you..

Jonathan is going to turn 18 in a month!  Can you believe that?  He’s a senior in High School getting ready to graduate.  His dream of joining the military he has realized will not come true because of the medicine’s he takes every day so now he has decided he wants to be a police officer.  I won’t lie, it’s scary because it’s scary times right now for Law Enforcement, but I will support him in whatever he wants to do with his life.  The last time you saw him he was a chubby cheeked cherub who was running non stop and driving me crazy!  You only got to see him two times, once when he was just 12 weeks old and then again when he was a year old.  I managed to snap a picture of you holding him that last time we ever got to see you.  Do you remember this day?  I do, but sadly Jonathan does not.

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You left this Earth 2 years before Shelby graced us with her presence.  I’m positive you hand picked her out and sent her to me.  She has been my saving grace so many times.  Uncle Keith got to meet her a few years ago and he said she looked exactly like you did at that age.  In fact, he repeated it several times because he just couldn’t get over how much she resembled his lost sister.  I have to laugh at times when she’s talking non stop (I swear without stopping to breathe) because I can hear you saying “I hope you have a kid one day that talks as much as you do”!  Well you got your wish mom, because she never shuts up.  She hopes to one day be a famous actress.  Now who does that sound like?  She made the cheer squad this year!  I cried when she told me she made it because I was so happy for her.  She has so much more self esteem then I ever did especially at that age!  She’s on the honor roll every semester and she’s in the gifted program.  She defiantly takes after her me-maw. I really wish you would have gotten to meet her!  I know she would have adored you!

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The past few months have been extremely hard for me and I wish more then anything that I could pick up the phone and call you up.  I’d give anything to just hear your voice.  The last two weeks alone have been enough for me to wish I could just lay down and go to sleep and wake up in your arms.  I have a very long hard battle ahead of me and I really need you here more then ever.  I am trying to channel your strength to make it through it all, but I’m exhausted.

Rob is doing good.  He’s doing everything he can to help me heal and keep my anxieties down.  He keeps reminding me that right now I need to concentrate on my health and let him worry about everything else.  You would really like him.  He’s a good guy and he loves your baby girl with all his heart.

Sadly Jodi and I are no longer speaking.  Things just couldn’t work out so I cut her loose.  Sometimes you have to let someone go even if you love them.  I wish her well but I can’t have her in my life.  I’m truly sorry for it, I feel as though I have failed you but I gave it my honest all.  She just refuses to meet me in the middle and I can’t worry about her and take care of myself.  To bad you can’t come down and smack her!

This year you got to bring your best friend home with you.  Please tell Linda hi for me, and that I love her and I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore.  Tell grandma hi and let her know that Aunt J is doing well!

There’s so much more I’d like to tell you, but there just isn’t enough time to write it all down!  Keep your ears open for me because I’ve been talking to you a lot lately.  I love you so much and I miss you more and more.

“You are my sunshine.. my only sunshine.. you make me happy when skies are grey.. you’ll never know dear, how much I love you… please don’t take my sunshine away”….

Love forever and always,

Brat!

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In memorandum of the greatest mother ever.. Virginia Lee Underwood (aka Ginger Lee) 11.22.1945 to 03.31.2000.

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