My Wings

Born into the light

my wings carried me through

trusting and strong

full of life anew

growing more able by day

soaring higher each year

I loved my wings

for they kept me from fear

as quick as they were

they were gone just as fast

left stranded on Earth

I knew they wouldn’t last

For even Angels have fallen

from the Heavens above

as God turned his face

and denied them his love

the scars are still there

from where my wings were draped

my halo is broken and bent

all emotions inside raped…

My wings, how I miss them

the warmth wrapped around my soul

feelings of security never to return

left always feeling less then whole.

Have you ever thought about your own funeral?

The last few months have been just emotionally and physically exhausting.  It’s brought out deep dark seeded thoughts that I had thought were gone forever, but apparently they aren’t.  I had to run to the store today to buy crickets and worms for Draco when a song came on the radio and my mind went down that dark road… I started thinking of my funeral.  How it’s going to happen, where, who will come, who will even care.  I mean I know my husband will, and my kids will be devastated, and a few family members and friends.. but I doubt I’ll fill an entire funeral home, like my mother and father did. It’s not that I’m not as nice as they were, maybe I’m just not as well known. Maybe it’s because I suffer from severe depression and anxiety disorder and people can’t understand it and just discard me like yesterday’s trash because “I’m so negative”.  You’d be amazed at how many times I’m told “JUST GET OVER IT”… yeah if it were only that easy. Anyways, the song was..

Anyways, I got to thinking “Does my husband know everything I want for my funeral”.  I mean I know he knows I want to be cremated and I know he knows a couple of the songs I want so I figured, hey this would be a good blog.  This way when the times come not only does my husband and children know, my family knows.

First off, I don’t want a funeral.  I want those who come to say goodbye to me to be the opposite of how I’ve lived.  I want them to be happy.  To be worry free about me. To know that finally I have found peace and serenity.  I want them to have a party, if I were Irish I’d say have a Wake instead.  Celebrate the things I did manage to accomplish and forget the thing I failed on.

There are a few songs I want played, the first one is the video I posted earlier.  Here is my list for the rest.

1> Don’t you cry tonight .  Guns and Roses

2> November Rain.  Guns and Roses again

3> Don’t fear the reaper . Blue Oyster Cult

4> Dust in the wind.  Kansas

5> Home Sweet Home.. Motley Crue

That’s it… There are a hundred more I could list but I don’t think people will want to be there for hours so.. just those.  If anyone wants to request a song that reminds them of me, let em.  I mean they are there to celebrate my life so whatever makes them happy, let them have it.

There are a few people I do not want there.  I have thought about it and have decided that if they can’t be in my life while I am alive, they can’t celebrate my life after.  First off, I do not want my mothers other daughter there.  Now mom had 3 girls, and Michelle had better be there!!! As for that other one, no.  Absolutely not.  And my husband has direct orders to remove her should she show up, which I doubt she would anyways.  ANYONE who has unfriended me on facebook.  Fuck them.  If they couldn’t handle my “posts” they don’t get to celebrate my life.

I want to be cremated.  Don’t you dare put me in a box in the ground.  I will come back and haunt the shit out of anyone who puts me in the ground.  I really like the idea of having my ashes mixed in with soil and a tree planted.  I’d like to be a Weeping Willow if possible.

http://bigthink.com/design-for-good/this-awesome-urn-will-turn-you-into-a-tree-after-you-die

Let my kids and husband decide where to plant my tree.  My husband and kids get my possessions.  They get to decide what they want to do with them, as I don’t have much.  My son knows he gets my cross and necklace, Shelby gets my rings and earrings.  My clothes I want donated to a foundation that helps women who have manged to escape an abusive marriage/man and have to start all over again with nothing.

I don’t want anyone to give a Eulogy.. naw.. that’s a lot to put on one person.  I want everyone who wants to to tell a story about something we did.  Some craziness from our pasts together.  I want to look down and see everyone laughing at the stupid shit I managed to get away with.

So there ya have it. That’s what I want and now it’s forever written into universe.  Oh, and if my husband puts any pictures of me up, he’d better use the flattering one’s.

Kitty Jail…

A few weeks ago out of nowhere our cats started fighting.. like seriously fighting.  We thought for awhile we were going to have to get rid of one of them, but they worked it out and started getting along again.  Until tonight when all hell broke loose between them again.  We have no clue what set them off tonight but they are growling and hissing and trying to kill each other again, so I’ve put the meaner one in “kitty jail”.   It’s so funny to sit here and watch her in the cage because she keeps trying to unlock the door…

She’s definitely trying..

Losing Faith

I’ve been tested and retested over and over again over the last few years, especially the last few months and frankly.. I’m tired of it.  There comes a time in one’s life where they just don’t want to go through yet another test!  I keep hearing “God is testing you, preparing you for a better life.   Blessings are coming your way, you just have to keep the faith”.. well… guess what.  I don’t HAVE to keep anything.  All I HAVE to do is pay taxes and die, and guess what.. right now I don’t even have the money needed to file my taxes so I can’t pay them which means I’ll end up most likely audited and thrown in jail over it (if not jail then just the legal system which I’ve seen first hand how screwed up that is), so there is no faith.  There, I said it.. I have no faith.  I’m not saying I don’t believe in God or miracles or Heaven and Hell.. I’m just saying for myself.. I have no faith left in me.  It’s been all tested out of me.

A friend of mine tried to explain to me that God is just like parents.  When you are a parent you will ask/tell your kids to do something and they don’t do it.  So you raise your voice a little and they still don’t do it until you get to a point where you are screaming at them like a crazy person to do whatever it is you’ve told them to do.  She said “Maybe God is screaming at you to do something but you aren’t hearing him”… well I’ve done EVERYTHING I can possibly think to do so if he is yelling at me either I’m deaf or he’s screaming it in a different language and that’s why I can’t understand him.  Maybe if he showed me just a small break for us.. something to show me that we aren’t spiraling out of control to the earth getting ready to crash and burn, that he see’s how hard we are working and trying to survive and do the right thing and be good people then maybe.. just maybe I might have a little more faith.  But he hasn’t done any of that, instead he keeps throwing up road blocks and sending more test from every direction and I’m just burned out!  So screw it.  I don’t pray for myself anymore and I really don’t think anyone needs to pray for me.  He isn’t listening.  He’s mad at me.  Maybe I sacrificed small children and nuns in a past life?  Or if it’s “Children pay for the sins of their parents”… well both my parents are dead so I can’t ask them if they were Satan worshipers and now I’m paying for it. (BTW.. my parents weren’t Satan worshipers).

So for right now I’m just surviving.  I’m going through the motions of everyday.  Get up, make sure I remember to shower and brush my teeth, get the kids ready and off to school or for this week (it’s Spring Break here) make sure they shower and brush their teeth and eat once in awhile and wear my mask of false bravado and get through the day until I can medicate and go to bed and say “fuck you reality” for a little while.   And you know what?  I”m okay with this.  It’s being numb to everything, and right now numb is good.

Anyways.. this isn’t what I wanted to write about but I just had a conversation with someone I love dearly and I could hear the sadness in her voice when I said don’t pray for me, God doesn’t hear those prayers.  I don’t want anyone sad for how I am right now. I just want to survive long enough to get through each day until I no longer have to.

I’m in the mood…

It’s 9 am and I’m the only one up.  Gotta love spring break, and a hubby working nights so he sleeps during the days.  There’s so much in my head I want to write about, it’s like someone flipped the switch in my head that had been turned off for so long.  I want to write about sex, about travel, about the weather warming up (finally).. about anything but the hell I have been going through for months.

I am still working on turning my Lacy’s Journal into a full book I just haven’t been too motivated to write lately.  Hopefully that is changing.  I’m also thinking of starting a new short story, it would be “Craig’s Journal”.  My idea is to write 3 books about the same story but from the 3 main characters points of view.  What do you all think?

Anyways… be on the lookout for new stuff.  I’m trying to get back into writing more and I hope that you will all enjoy what I have in the works.