I’ve been tested and retested over and over again over the last few years, especially the last few months and frankly.. I’m tired of it. There comes a time in one’s life where they just don’t want to go through yet another test! I keep hearing “God is testing you, preparing you for a better life. Blessings are coming your way, you just have to keep the faith”.. well… guess what. I don’t HAVE to keep anything. All I HAVE to do is pay taxes and die, and guess what.. right now I don’t even have the money needed to file my taxes so I can’t pay them which means I’ll end up most likely audited and thrown in jail over it (if not jail then just the legal system which I’ve seen first hand how screwed up that is), so there is no faith. There, I said it.. I have no faith. I’m not saying I don’t believe in God or miracles or Heaven and Hell.. I’m just saying for myself.. I have no faith left in me. It’s been all tested out of me.
A friend of mine tried to explain to me that God is just like parents. When you are a parent you will ask/tell your kids to do something and they don’t do it. So you raise your voice a little and they still don’t do it until you get to a point where you are screaming at them like a crazy person to do whatever it is you’ve told them to do. She said “Maybe God is screaming at you to do something but you aren’t hearing him”… well I’ve done EVERYTHING I can possibly think to do so if he is yelling at me either I’m deaf or he’s screaming it in a different language and that’s why I can’t understand him. Maybe if he showed me just a small break for us.. something to show me that we aren’t spiraling out of control to the earth getting ready to crash and burn, that he see’s how hard we are working and trying to survive and do the right thing and be good people then maybe.. just maybe I might have a little more faith. But he hasn’t done any of that, instead he keeps throwing up road blocks and sending more test from every direction and I’m just burned out! So screw it. I don’t pray for myself anymore and I really don’t think anyone needs to pray for me. He isn’t listening. He’s mad at me. Maybe I sacrificed small children and nuns in a past life? Or if it’s “Children pay for the sins of their parents”… well both my parents are dead so I can’t ask them if they were Satan worshipers and now I’m paying for it. (BTW.. my parents weren’t Satan worshipers).
So for right now I’m just surviving. I’m going through the motions of everyday. Get up, make sure I remember to shower and brush my teeth, get the kids ready and off to school or for this week (it’s Spring Break here) make sure they shower and brush their teeth and eat once in awhile and wear my mask of false bravado and get through the day until I can medicate and go to bed and say “fuck you reality” for a little while. And you know what? I”m okay with this. It’s being numb to everything, and right now numb is good.
Anyways.. this isn’t what I wanted to write about but I just had a conversation with someone I love dearly and I could hear the sadness in her voice when I said don’t pray for me, God doesn’t hear those prayers. I don’t want anyone sad for how I am right now. I just want to survive long enough to get through each day until I no longer have to.