Happy Fathers Day… Mom!

On June 25, 1978 my mother had to step into the shoe’s of both mom and dad after my dad was killed.  I was young and have very few memories of him so please don’t feel sadness for me.  My mother was the greatest!  She loved us with every ounce of her being.  She worked extremely hard and managed to open 2 successful business and owned multiple properties.  She was and always will be my inspiration to be and do better every day!  I always thought she would be here forever, that she was the strongest woman in the world and nothing would ever stop her.  Sadly the one thing that could was cancer.  I know that this day is for the dad’s out there but some of us didn’t have dad’s in our lives growing up, instead we had very strong women who stepped up and did the job of both parents.  So for those of you who have felt the sting of having no male role model, know you are not alone and its okay.  No, really it is okay.  Just because we didn’t have the “traditional” families doesn’t mean we are strange or were “denied” anything.  If you were as lucky as I was to have such an amazing mother or grandmother or aunt or whoever raised you in your life… then you are whole and complete.

I remember the first time I gave my mom flowers for Fathers Day.  I was 16 and it dawned on me that she was my mom and dad so I bought her some flowers and a card with my money from my paycheck and I drove out to her bar and gave them to her.  She started crying and my heart sank.  I thought I had done something wrong.  She had to step into the back to gather herself up and get her composure back.  After a few moments she came out with a huge smile on her face and hugged me so tightly and kissed my cheek and told me how much she loved me.  Looking back now I can see those tears in a totally different light.  She wasn’t upset with me, she was flooded with emotions of love and pride and felt like someone noticed how much she was doing.  Maybe it was the first time someone had said something or done something like that for her.  I know I was the first of us kids to do it so it probably just really took her by surprise.  I have had to be both parents to my kids.  After I left and divorced my ex he stopped having anything to do with his kids, but luckily I met and married a man who has stepped up and has been a great step father to my kids.

So to my mother who also played the part of my dad… HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO YOU IN HEAVEN DEAR MOTHER..  Words cannot express how grateful I am for having those short 29 years with you, or how angry I am that I was denied so many more that I should have had.  Growing up my biggest fear was losing you, now it’s losing the memory of you.

mom and me


To The Skinny Chick at the Pool

I went to the pool today to try to get some color so that I’m not quite so translucent and while I was sitting there with my tanning lotion on and my ear phones in trying very very hard to not be self conscious about my very out of shape lots of excess skin from massive weight loss body, when she walked in.  You know her, she’s the size 2 chick with the perfect butt, perfect perky breast and the perfect hair and nails wearing the newest latest skimpy bikini from Victoria’s Secret.  Her legs are long and toned, her butt is up in the air, almost like she’s purposely walking with it propped up but you know she isn’t it’s just the way she walks.  I couldn’t help but admire her and envy her and silently call her “skinny bitch” in my head knowing it stemmed from the jealousy running through my veins.  I couldn’t help but wonder if she knows just how lucky she is, does she even know that there are millions of women out there like me who are literally killing themselves to look like her.  I know that I don’t know her story, she may exercise hours every day.  Who knows, she may has had major plastic surgeries but most likely she was just born with really great genes.  Lucky lucky girl.

It’s very hard not to feel a sense of frustration when I see women who looks like she did.  I’ve wanted nothing more in this life then to be thin and beautiful on the outside and inside.  I’ve tried everything, every diet known to man kind.  I’ve eaten right, exercised and when that didn’t work I tried the pills and the starvation and pre-packaged meals.  My weight yo-yo’d for years ending up at a highest of around 280 pounds.  I finally hit a point that I realized surgery was in fact my only way out.  I went through all the hell I mean tests they put me through and had that surgery in May 2011.  Since then I’ve gone through hell and back!  I’ve blogged about in the past and it hasn’t gotten any better.  I have more and more doctors appointments to go to, physical therapy and possibly surgeries ahead of me.  It’s never ending and it’s wearing me out.  I feel like I’m literally dying to be thin.

So I had to wonder… does she know how truly blessed she is?  Are those who are blessed with the body, the looks, the good health.. do they know how lucky they are?

Granny Panties Anyone?

I came across this article today and my heart soared.. YES!!! I’M FINALLY IN “FASHION” NOW…



So long uncomfortable up my butt thongs!!! Hello sweet sweet comfy panties!  I knew if I waited long enough I’d come back in style at some point!