I went to the pool today to try to get some color so that I’m not quite so translucent and while I was sitting there with my tanning lotion on and my ear phones in trying very very hard to not be self conscious about my very out of shape lots of excess skin from massive weight loss body, when she walked in. You know her, she’s the size 2 chick with the perfect butt, perfect perky breast and the perfect hair and nails wearing the newest latest skimpy bikini from Victoria’s Secret. Her legs are long and toned, her butt is up in the air, almost like she’s purposely walking with it propped up but you know she isn’t it’s just the way she walks. I couldn’t help but admire her and envy her and silently call her “skinny bitch” in my head knowing it stemmed from the jealousy running through my veins. I couldn’t help but wonder if she knows just how lucky she is, does she even know that there are millions of women out there like me who are literally killing themselves to look like her. I know that I don’t know her story, she may exercise hours every day. Who knows, she may has had major plastic surgeries but most likely she was just born with really great genes. Lucky lucky girl.
It’s very hard not to feel a sense of frustration when I see women who looks like she did. I’ve wanted nothing more in this life then to be thin and beautiful on the outside and inside. I’ve tried everything, every diet known to man kind. I’ve eaten right, exercised and when that didn’t work I tried the pills and the starvation and pre-packaged meals. My weight yo-yo’d for years ending up at a highest of around 280 pounds. I finally hit a point that I realized surgery was in fact my only way out. I went through all the hell I mean tests they put me through and had that surgery in May 2011. Since then I’ve gone through hell and back! I’ve blogged about in the past and it hasn’t gotten any better. I have more and more doctors appointments to go to, physical therapy and possibly surgeries ahead of me. It’s never ending and it’s wearing me out. I feel like I’m literally dying to be thin.
So I had to wonder… does she know how truly blessed she is? Are those who are blessed with the body, the looks, the good health.. do they know how lucky they are?