Where are you Christmas?

Growing up my mother did everything she could to make our Christmas’s the best ever.  As a single mother of 4 kids it was hard work to make sure there were plenty of gifts under the tree and amazing meals to look forward to with family and friends.  As we all grew older she still managed to pull us all together to celebrate with laughter in our conversations and love in our hearts.  I grew up and moved away and had children of my own, and even though I was 1000 miles away she still made me feel like I was there.  After she was gone and my family kind of just disappeared I did my best to make sure my kids had the best Christmas’s possible.  Through a horrible 2 yr divorce, a new marriage and step dad, a move 1500 miles away from everything I still tried to give them great Christmas memories.

This year however, I’m having a hard time mustering up the energy to even bother.  I just want to shrink away.  Medical issue’s have made this the hardest year physically ever.  I’m mentally worn out and physically exhausted and I just don’t have any Christmas spirit.  I don’t even want to put out the decorations and lord knows I have no desire to stand in the kitchen all day cooking and baking.  I’m just going through the motions waiting patiently for January to hurry up and get here.

I realize that I suffer from BiPolar disorder and Anxiety Disorder and these things are making it worse for me.  I try to fight the voices in my head telling me how nothing is going to make this holiday season worth celebrating.. but I’m losing this battle.    I’m not writing this blog for pity or “cheer up” messages… I’m writing this so that people who have their lives together, people who don’t suffer from depression and are full of the Christmas and Holiday spirit can hopefully understand that not everyone feels that way.  For some this is the hardest time of the year.  My mothers birthday is November 22 which always makes Thanksgiving hard for me and a dear friends birthday was December 5 and with him gone.. well it just adds to the rest of the things that are going wrong.

So if you see someone who appears to be anxious, or depressed.. maybe they just look lonely please don’t pity them.  Don’t give them some obnoxious “It’ll be okay” speech and whatever you do please don’t tell them “Just chose to be happy”…Just be understanding, patient and caring.  Not everyone looks forward to the “cheer” this time of year.. some of us just want to disappear until it’s all over.