Passive suicidal ideation


The other night I was watching a paranormal show (yes I watch them) and the lady on was discussing different things and she said “Passive Suicide” is when someone has thoughts of dying but would never do anything to hurt themselves.  I can’t explain the feelings that slammed into me when I heard this but it was like every light bulb came on at once and I wanted to scream out YES… THAT’S IT!  You see, if you follow my blog you know already that I suffer from Bipolar and all that entails.  I’m walking basket case that has learned how to somewhat keep it all together while in public but pretty much lose it when at home and especially when I’m alone.  Those hours between night and day or the worst.  I have anxiety disorder, anger displacement disorder, PTSD and Bipolar, I’m a blast at parties!  For the most part I deal with all of it with sarcasm and humor.  Even my therapist has told me more then once how hysterical I am and how she knows that the funnier I am being the worse off I am in my head.

Anyways, back to my original thought.  Sorry I shoulda added ADD in there to.  So apparently Passive Suicidal Ideation is when the thoughts of death go through the mind.  Like thinking “I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up”.  You’re in essence wishing to die but know you could never do something drastic like pulling the trigger or swallowing that bottle of pills.  I have these thoughts often, more often then I’ll ever admit to anyone.  Sometimes when I’m driving over a bridge or high over pass I’ll have a day dream of going over the side and smiling as I knew the pain would soon be over, but I never act on it.  I know too many would be so upset if I did so I put my mask of false bravado on and go through the motions of getting through the days.

Some days are better then others.  Not every day is bad, and not every day is a time of wishing for death.  Some days are all about living and watching those around you happy and healthy and enjoying life but being Bipolar means you never know when that mood will swing the other way.   When I’m manic I am on top of the world and everything is great. I’m full of energy and ready to take on the world, I’m 10 feet tall and bullet proof.  The problem is I also cannot sleep for days which means when the crash finally comes it’s one of epic proportion.  When I fall from the hilltop down into the valley there is literally nothing that can bring me out of it.  I have to ride the wave until that wave reaches the hilltop again.  During this time I find myself shrouded in the thoughts of death.  I stare at my endless supply of pills the doctors keep throwing at me for the many different ailments I have that they can’t figure out and fix so they just throw a band-aide on it in hopes that it’ll shut me up.  I have those day dreams of my car veering off the road and hitting a tree, or just going to sleep and having some kind of a massive heart attack and never waking up.  Anything to stop the hurting and the pain.  I thought I was the only one who had these thoughts, well not the only one I realize others with mental illness have these thoughts to but when I heard the name of it I was happy to know that it’s common enough that they named it.  I mean, I’m not happy that enough people suffer from it that they named it but happy that I’m not even crazier then I already think that I am.  Does that make sense?

Right now is a valley.  Last week was an escape from reality.  I was in NYC and there was no “normality” around me.  I got to be someone else for a few days which was fantastic, but now that I’m home and my family has gone home and life is back to normal reality has set in and it fucking sucks!  I’m stuck.  Literally stuck.  I can’t go anywhere or do anything because of financial reasons, I can’t get a job because of medical reasons, I can’t work on my book because of crappy equipment reasons, I can’t paint because I can’t afford the material to do so… you see… I’m stuck.  I get to watch TV.  I had planned on getting out and start walking and enjoying the sunshine and trying to help my hip but I had to have a Biopsy last Monday and they said “don’t get sweaty until this is healed up” so there goes that… stuck.  and I hate it.  So the thoughts are back.  The logical side of my brain realizes this is the mental illness talking but the illogical side of my brain is telling that logical side to shut the hell up and the anger and hatred and self loathing is taking over.  I hate being stuck, which makes me hate this life I live.. if that’s what you call what I do is living… I hate it all…and I want the pain to stop.. I want to disappear… just poof.. be gone.

I’m not writing this for your pity, I don’t want that.  I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want a “You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, you have it so much better then some” lectures.  I’m writing this to let people know and understand that mental illness isn’t always that person who goes on a shooting spree, or a serial killer, or even that really strange kid in high school that ended up committing suicide.  Mental Illness is me.. it’s the estimated 57.7 million people in the USA who manage to make it through every day without hurting anyone except themselves.  You may not know this or realize it but someone in your life, someone you are close to suffers from some form of mental illness.  You’ll never know until they either lose their handle on life or they ask for help before that happens because we are excellent at hiding it when we need to.

Even though there is still a debate on whether or not Passive suicidal thoughts are as dangerous as “real” suicidal thoughts I will tell you from personal experience that they are.  I know this because I have held the gun to my head and pulled the trigger (playing Russian Roulette) and I’ve taken the bottle of pills and had to have my stomach pumped.  If the thoughts are there, the thoughts on how to carry it out are there to.

“An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older or about one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. When applied to the 2004 U.S. Census residential population estimate for ages 18 and older, this figure translates to 57.7 million people.”









New York.. Oh how I loved thee!

Last week my best friend in the world treated me to 4 day of fun and an escape from reality.  She took me to New York City, the Big Apple.. the city that never sleeps.  Some place I have always dreamed of going, but believing I would never get to.  Last Monday we loaded the truck and headed off to have our adventure.  Our first stop along the way was in Philadelphia!  As her and I are true foodies, we had to decide for ourselves which had the better cheese steak sandwich, Pats or Geno’s.

Geno’s won hand’s down!   The bread was buttery and soft, the cheese gooey, the meat was tender.  Oh we enjoyed every single bite of them.  I even have a “grease” stain on my pants from where it drained through the paper towels!   Now that’s how you know it’s good!

After she navigated through those extremely tiny car filled claustrophobic one way streets we were back on the highway heading north… singing “In west Philadelphia born and raised.. on the playground is where I spent most of my days”…  C’mon now, y’all sing it with me.  You know the words.

After several hours we made it to our hotel in New Jersey and I have to say… omg what a dump.  We couldn’t help but laugh!  The beds were hard as the ground, the carpet was obviously the same carpet they put in when they built the hotel and it has NEVER been cleaned.  The outlet in the bathroom didn’t work which meant no hair dryer because that was bolted to the wall in the bathroom.  The toilet had those stains down the sides that you could tell were not hard water stains.  Yeah, it was bad, but that’s okay because we didn’t plan on being in the room much.  We got there later in the afternoon so we figured we’d save Manhattan for Tuesday and instead decided to head to Carlo’s Bakery in Hoboken New Jersey.  12923187_10153333752425870_2609251800372207978_n

If you ever get the chance to go to one of his shops… go!  The Lobster Claw is to die for!  We got Lobster Claws, Cookies, an Eclair (there were 3 of us), a Macaroon… And we gobbled every bit up!  Yeah, we are greedy.  We spent the evening in the room, enjoying our goodies and chatting.. the excitement growing for NYC the next day.  I was finally going to see the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island and who knew what else.

Tuesday morning found us up and on the way to Liberty State Park where we caught the Ferry to Ellis Island then over to the Statue of Liberty.


Words cannot do justice the emotions that come over you seeing lady liberty in all her glory in person.

Yup, that’s me with the New York Skyline behind me ( I have no clue who the rugrat is, he photo bombed my pic).  There was the Statue of Liberty.  I’d seen her a million times in movies and photos but never in person.  She is stunning!  Walking through the inside, seeing the different things inside, how she stands.. just amazing.  We didn’t have the crown pass so we only got to go to the platform.  After touring around we hopped on to the New York Ferry and headed over to NYC.  It was so cold, and so windy but that wasn’t going to stop us.  After a few minutes we were in New York.  I couldn’t believe it.  Me, standing in New York’s Financial District.  After a few moments of walking we saw the Raging Bull.  I wanted to get my picture with it but there was a very long line and frankly, it was cold and we didn’t want to wait.  We made our way up to the 9/11 Memorial.  You can feel the pain, the fear.  The tears fall no matter how hard you try to hold them in.  You find yourself hurting for thousands you never even knew.  Knowing so many are reposed behind a wall because they could not be identified is truly heartbreaking.

After seeing the memorial then the Museum we realized we needed to head towards the ferry to make our way back to the car, problem was it was now 7:30 and the water taxi’s stopped at 5:15.  Oh the fun we had trying to figure out the subway system to get us to the metro to take us to the Path Train so we could get on the light rail.  Then when we FINALLY make it to the train platform in Jersey… but our car is about 2 miles away!  AND WE ARE OFF.. 3 women in the dark trying to find our way to the park to get to the car before the park closes.  LOL.  My best friend has an oxygen tank but that did not stop her from almost out right running to make it on time!  Somehow she managed to get to the car in time and we headed back to the hotel.  By this time all we had to eat was Subway.. yes, we make it all the way to NY and we eat Subway.

The next morning we all get up and head back into the city!  This time parking at the train platform so we had until 11:59 pm to make our way back.  Plenty of time!  We decide to go uptown this day, check out the Museum section of the city.  Our first stop was the Guggenheim.  If that is your idea of “art” then I can honestly say I don’t understand you at all.  This museum was less then interesting to say.


After our pretty much run through of this waste of our time museum we decided to head up to the Met.  Now this is a Museum.  It’s absolutely stunning!  I wanted to spend days in it.  I could spend days in it.  I want to go back and see every single piece of art in there.  I stood in awe of some of the most amazing art pieces in the world.  Before we made it to the Met we stopped by Central Park to take a quick picture.  You can’t go to NYC and not at least see Central Park, right?  We didn’t go through it because there just wasn’t enough time to do it all.  Before we crossed over to the park my bestie made me try a New York Hot Dog…..


Now to understand this you must understand that I a) do not like Hot Dogs and b) am disgusted at the thought of hotdogs sitting around in nasty water all day long.. but when in Rome.. so here we are.. me holding it getting ready to try it.. and me trying very hard to not gag and throw it up… lol.  She made me eat that bite!  So gross.. she however enjoyed the rest of it.

12963396_10153333767915870_786553458625323806_n She loved it!  🙂


Off to Central Park…


Now the Met!  There’s no slowing down in NYC.. even for someone using a cane and someone with an oxygen tank.  Okay, so we walked slowly… but that doesn’t slow the city down.  This is so beautiful…


After the met we hopped on a bus and headed up to the Empire State Building.  WOW.. what a beautiful building.  When we got to the top one side was nice.. the other two were so cold!  The wind was blowing so hard you could almost be blown over.


After this we hopped on a subway and headed to Time Square.  This was everything I’ve ever imagined.  The lights, the smells, the sounds.. the PIZZA.. the people.. It’s everything TV has made it out to be. Famous Ray’s Pizza.. yeah.. I’m going back there one day!

Believe it or not… we ended up doing a mad dash to find the right train to make it back in time  Making it back at 11:56 pm!  Three minutes to spare!  We laughed so much our stomachs hurt!  I had a true NY experience.  The only thing I didn’t see, was a NY rat.. you always see them on TV.  We didn’t see one!  We got in a pee soaked elevator, twice.  We had Pizza and  Hot Dog, saw the sights… but nope.. no rats.

Thursday had us exhausted and hardly able to walk!  Our feet hurt, our backs hurt.. everything hurt! Sleeping on those hard mattresses didn’t help at all.  We decided to just take our time going home instead of going back into the city then trying to find our way back home.  Of course we had to stop back by Carlo’s Bakery, ya know get some goodies for the road and some cupcakes for the kids.  We laughed and enjoyed our slow ride home..


TWINS!!!  She is my sister.. my best friend.. my soul mate (in friends).. I thank God for her every day… She’ll never know just how thankful I am for her.. for her friendship and her love… she’s my anchor when my waters are rough.. my sunshine when it rains…and my blanket when I’m cold.  I love her and.. I LOVE NEW YORK!!!  I can’t wait to get back!