The BiPolar Pendulum

When you tell people that you’re Bi Polar you get the look, followed by the questions.  “Are you sure you’re Bi Polar?  Have you been diagnosed by a doctor or self diagnosed?  Maybe you aren’t really Bi Polar, maybe you’re just really stressed out because of everything you’ve been going through and you just need a break”.   I just love those questions!  I just want to say “Yeah.. and maybe you’re just really stupid but don’t realize it yet.. maybe you should go get diagnosed by a doctor for it”.

If someone tells me that they have a mental health disorder my first response is never “Naw.. you don’t have one of those.. you’re just stressed and need a break!”  If you knew how extremely hard it is for a person to not only be diagnosed with a disorder but accept it and learn to live with it you wouldn’t say such stupid things.  No one wants to go through life knowing there is a problem with the chemistry in their brain and we damn sure don’t want to be questioned about it either!  It’s hard enough to just say we have it, and live through our daily lives trying to deal with the massive mood swings.  Don’t make us defend ourselves to it too.

I want to try to explain to my readers what it’s like to have a Bi Polar pendulum mood swing.  We all know that women can be a little moody when they are suffering from PMS.  No I’m not being sexist, I am a woman and I know what it’s like to have a period, be bloated and miserable wanting to cry one minute and scream and yell the next.  We’ve all gone through it.  A pendulum swing is not the same thing.  The best way I can think of to explain it is a visual explanation.  Did you ever see the movie “The Conjuring”?  If not you need to it’s a really good movie.. but that’s neither here nor there.. Anyways.. if you did then you remember the scene where the witch picks up Nancy by her hair and swings her around from one side of the room to the other, but at this point no one can actually see the witch so it appears as if she’s just being thrown around like a rag doll.  Well when you have that Bi Polar swing you are flying across the room, only its in your head and there’s nothing you can do about it.

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Most people stay in the “normal” range pretty much all the time, only ever swinging when something bad or good happens.  Say the death of a loved one, or maybe winning a large prize.  When we lose someone we swing to the depressed side, which is logical.  You expect to be depressed or have people depressed when a loved one passes away or because of an accident, house fire something that happened to swing them in that direction.  Just like you’d expect someone to be manic if say they won the lotto, or maybe found out they were going to have a baby or become a grandparent.  For someone like me, those mood swings happen for no reason, other than we are alive and breathing.  Sometimes the mood swings come on gradually, slowly creeping up on us a little more every day.  Sometimes we are thrown across the room into either depression or manic.  The massive quick swing is worse for me, because I have no time to process it.  This is what I am going through right now.  I felt the swing happen yesterday and it literally feels like I’ve been picked up and thrown against a wall.  I feel it happening but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.  Like I told my therapist today, I feel like I am plugged into the electrical outlet and the current is swimming through my veins and if I try to just hold those electrical impulses in I will explode but if I let them out I may end up in a hospital wearing a nice coat that makes me hug myself.  I want to lunge out at people, telling them every bad thought I’ve ever had about them.  I want to throat punch complete strangers.  I want to run a marathon.  I want to get in my car and drive off into the night leaving everyone and everything behind.  But I’m one of the lucky one’s, because I can recognize that I’ve been swung into the manic phase.  Or in my case the Hyper Manic Phase.. because ya know.. just being plain ol manic isn’t enough..nooo we gotta add hyper to it!  Because I can recognize it and put into words what and how I am feeling I can somewhat control my actions keeping the general public safe.  I can not however control my feelings, meaning I will continue to feel angry, and hyper and alone.  I will feel like the smallest problem is now the worlds biggest.  Like a mosquito bite is equivalent to a King Cobra strike.  There is no in between when you are manic and that is truly miserable.  I don’t want to hurt or stress my family, but being alone in my head will and can hurt me.  I suppose I should be thankful though, because manic is so much better than depressed.  Especially when you’ve become depressed for no reason what so ever.

All I can do is continue to take my weight gaining, diabetic causing medicine and hope for the best.  I already exercise, watch what I eat.  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke.  I see my therapist.. I do all the things people will tell you to do to help control the mood swings but they don’t last.  I just keep praying that one day my family and friends will truly understand that I loved them deeply, even when my mood kept me from showing them.

Some may wonder why I’m blogging about this today.  I am because I want to help spread awareness  Not everyone can just “get over it” or “chose to be happy”.  Some of us need a little more love and understanding in our “swing times”.

 

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Generic VS Name Brand

I’ve always been the type of person who tries to save money any way I can.  I only buy things I need that are on sale or second hand, I try not to impulse buy anything and I buy generic brand groceries instead of those higher priced name brand foods, for the most part.  There are a few things however that I just cannot use the generics because they tastes just so bad!  I figured i’d give a list of a few things that in my opinion, the name brand is worth the extra money.

5) Tuna.  I just can’t deal with the cheaper brands anymore.  It has to be Bumble Bee or Starkist for me, the store brands are so discolored and just tastes so blah!  I have gotten to the point where I buy the Albacore only now.

4) Potato Chips.  I generally don’t eat potato chips, but on occasion I get a hankering for a good old salty crunch chip.  Every time I try generics I am completely let down.  They have burned ones in it, ones that are so hard you can’t hardly eat them.  Some are so salty it feels like you’re mouth is drying up and cracking or completely on the other end of the spectrum and no salt at all.  So I splurge and get me a bag of Ruffles or Lays.

3) Soda’s.  Now I haven’t had a soda in 8 years and I don’t miss them at all, but when I did drink them they had to be Coca Cola or Dr. Pepper!  No Dr. Perky, no Mt. Lion.. bleck.

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2) Peanut Butter.  Give me Jif or none at all! The store named peanut butters just seem so sugary and kinda tastes like cardboard disguised as peanut butter.  I’m finicky, what can I say!

And the number 1 thing that I just cannot do in generic brands is..

1)  Macaroni and Cheese!  About 6 months ago or so I decided to stop using boxed mac n cheese altogether and just spend the extra making it from scratch.  That powdered cheese stuff is kinda grossing me out.  I used to love Kraft mac n cheese but as I get older I’m finding more and more foods that I used to love now hate.. like Fast Food.. I’m down to Chick Fil A.. that’s it!  The rest are just gross to me.. but that’s a different blog..lol  Anyways.. have you tried the store bought mac n cheeses?  I have yet to find one that tastes even remotely close to Krafts!  None compare to my homemade but in a pinch.. it’s gonna have to be Kraft! (Velveeta is great but expensive!)

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So.. how about you?  Is there anything that’s not on my list that you just have to have the name brand only?  Let me know.

 

Through the bad comes the good

2016 was not a good year!  The USA has been so divided and fueled with anger and rage.  Riot after riot, protest, fake news and so much more.  The Celebrity world was rocked over and over again, right up to the last hours on the last day of the year with death after death.  For me personally, it was a very long year because of our financial situation.  Even though we were finally at the 12 yard line at our own goal.. it was still going to be a very long very hard year.   I’ve been out of work for almost 2 yrs now due to medical issue’s and this was the last year of our financial obligation.  The two mixed together has been impossible.  We barely made ends meet when I was working, when I had to stop those ends got further and further apart.  We have had to let every credit card go to the creditors (and those were only used to buy groceries and put gas in the cars).  We had a repossession and so many other things thrown on us that it just seemed like it was destined to be a year of heartache and failures… but it wasn’t.  Even through all the hell, heaven showed through.  So hear is my year in a nut shell.

The beginning of the year started out like the last 10, us at home ringing in the new year with lots of food and sitting at the table playing games, listening to music or whatever.  The only difference was my daughter went to her friends for the night.  They get older and suddenly sitting at home with the parents isn’t as much fun as it used to be!  So it was a quiet beginning.

Jan/Feb/March were all quiet.  Just us at home trying to survive.  The cold had me indoors most of the time.  Then in April I was given a fantastic surprise!  My sister.. my best friend in the whole wide world came to visit me… and she whisked me away to NYC.  I blogged about it so ummm.. you shoulda read it by now.  🙂  It was amazing.  I fell in love with the city and I can’t wait to go back and explore some more! I wish I could live there!  At least have a place that I could go stay whenever I wanted to!  1 thing off my bucket list!  And honestly it was something I never thought I would get to mark off.

May brought on my son’s 19th bday and my 7th wedding anniversary.  Both very low key because of that whole no money thing.  But we were alive and healthy so that was reason enough to celebrate.

June saw another thing I’d never been a part of before.. I got to witness the birth of my great nephew ( I blogged about it too).  Both of my kids were CSections so I never actually saw the births.  It was truly a miracle to see.  I stayed in tears with the biggest grin.  Such a blessing to be a part of it.

July took my babies to Texas to visit their family.  My son got to go this time, it’d been years since he went so he was very excited to go.  He really misses his poppy and grandma and Aunts and Uncles and cousins.. so he was in heaven to see them again. The rest of summer was pretty quite.  Most days at the pool trying to get slim and tan, neither was accomplished!  Got a lil red sometimes but managed to avoid the intense lobster red I’m so accustomed to turning into it.

August found us in the ER with a facial wound!  My daughter was cleaning and rearranging her room when she accidentally hit the light with her mattress and looked up just in time to see the glass falling down.. right into her face!  Luckily she got clocked in the nose, a half an inch in either side she’d have gotten her eye!  She got a couple of stitches and worried constantly about the “scar” she was going to have.  I kept telling her it’s character but she kept freaking out about it.  She’s better now, even though she still complains that it sometimes hurts.  My birthday came and went in August too… I’ve decided I don’t wanna go up in age anymore..lol.  So from now on every birthday will be my 40th!

September was back to school and back to doing nothing for me!  The pool closed so I just stayed in.  I know.. I’m exciting.

October found us back in the ER.  Yup, my daughter again.  She’s very athletic, she is on the cheer squad, track team and basket ball team.  She’s always said he knee’s hurt some but you’d have to see her to understand why I never overly worried about it.. she’s all knee’s and elbows so I just thought she’d grow into her body.  Except she came home one day and her knee was super swollen.  The doctor came in and looked at me then looked at her and said “You’re just like your mother.. see how she’s weird shaped from the hips down? Well, you’re weird shaped to”.. she was being truthful but in a funny teasing way. She said “Your mother is knock kneed and pigeon toed.. you can see it clearly just by looking at her.. and you’ve inherited those qualities”.  Poor thing.  Not to mention she’s hyper extended so she looks like a Flamingo when she’s standing.  So as soon as I was discharged from my PT because there was nothing else they could do for me, she was sent!  They only thought they were rid of me! HA!   I also dressed up this Halloween.. something I haven’t done in years!  I decided to go as Negan and I think I did a pretty good job on my costume!  I even made my bat!

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November came and found us trying to prepare for the holidays as well as our daughters birthday.  Having a baby born in December makes parties difficult.  If you wait til after Thanksgiving everyone is busy and no one show’s up so we started doing her parties before Thanksgiving even though her birthday is mid December.  And because she’s such a spoiled diva this means she has multiple parties… lol.. I indulge when I can.  So we had her bday party and everyone showed up!  Which is always good and the kids had a blast.  Then we had Thanksgiving at home, very quiet.  Which leads us to December..

December was the FINALLY moment of the year.  We had made it!  10 years of purgatory was finally over!  The court ordered garnishment was done!  Everyone keeps asking us how it feels to be rich now.. but we are so far from that!  The first, second and third paychecks with out those payments were just in time to have Christmas, Birthday and rent!  So there’s been no extra money, but I’m not complaining.  Quite the opposite actually.  For the first time in more than 10 yrs we were able to finally have a good Christmas on our own.  Everyone always says “it’s the thought that counts” or “Christmas isn’t about giving gifts” but unless you are a parent who cannot do for your kids you don’t understand the feeling of failure that comes from not being able to do those things.  We’ve been graced with great friends who have helped us out many many times.. and I’ve been so thankful for those angels.. but I’ve wanted to be able to finally be at a place where I could buy the things my kids wanted on my own.. with no help and this year we did!  They didn’t have hundreds of gifts.. or the most expensive things in the world but they were happy and that filled my heart up!  Plus… my step son came to visit.  Y’all have no idea how happy that made my husband.  I don’t think his feet have touched the ground yet!  The fact that his son bought his own tickets and chose to spend the holiday with him was the greatest gift he could have ever gotten, other than if his daughters did the same thing!  It truly was a perfect Christmas.  My baby girl had her birthday and her sleep over party and she got the boots she wanted.  Well kind of.. she wanted Uggs but ain’t nobody got money for those! So instead we got her a really good pair from Kohls (with them on sale and Kohls 20% off with $10 Kohls cash!) so she was super excited!

So through a year of hardships and tragedies this year was really pretty good for us.. the most amazing thing of all.. My sister, the one who took me to NYC was diagnosed with cancer again this year.  It is her 5th time fighting this horrible disease.. she never let it get her down.. staying positive through everything.. she got her results from her pet scan the other day.. SHE IS CANCER FREE!!!! THANK YOU JESUS.  she is my rock.. my soul mate among friends.. she deserves so much good to come her way.. and getting those results is hopefully the start of good fortune windfall for her.

 

So happy new year all.  I hope 2016 wasn’t bad for you.. and if it was.. I hope 2017 will be so much better!

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